October 17, 2005

Keepsies True or False

While we wait to hear who won B4B (Judge Jennifer O'Connell is touring, so we shall be patient like spiders...) Let's play round 2 of CONFERENCE TRUE OR FALSE. In Saturday's PRACTICE round, all those things, every one of them, was shamefully true. Even the butt thing. *sigh*

This time, we play for keepsies --- Prize is the long-ago promised signed UK edition of gods in Alabama.


-- If you were personally AT THE CONFERENCE, you cannot win.
-- No less than 1 and no more than 5 are false. Just write the number(s) of the FALSE ones in your comment. That's your entry. First to list all the Falses without listing any of the Trues wins.

1) Three people separately told me I look like Joan Cusack.

2) One person told me that, in my glasses, I look like Merryl Streep.

3) One person told me I look like Bernadette Peters.

4) One person told me I look like Jessica Simpson.

5) One person told me I look like Jessica RABBIT.

6) One person told me I SOUND like Kristin Chenoweth. In Wicked. As Good Witch Glenda. Heh.

7) One person, who was seated at the back for one of my sessions, came up to me with a copy of gods for me to sign after, and did a little double take. She said, "I hope you do not take this the wrong way, but you are prettier than I thought you were. I mean, you look better when you are CLOSE UP."

8) One person overheard me talking about the book and she said, "Wait, YOU wrote gods in Alabama?" And I said, "Yes." And she rallied a bunch of spit into her mouth and seemed to think about PUTTING the spit on me. After a long, spooky, freakishly charged moment, she gargled, "Congratulations" in the iciest tone she could muster through all that spit, and then pretty much turned her back on me. She didn't speak to me or look at me even once for the rest of the weekend and whenever I came into a room she seemed to be galloping out of it. I have NO idea what it was about, but my inner neurotic would construct a whole new 'nother elaborate why-she-hates-me scenario every time I caught a glimpse of her...

9) At 9:45 on Saturday. I went down to the B and N booth to buy a couple of books I wanted to get signed while I was there, and did not see my own book for sale. They told me that they hadn't been able to GET any copies of my book because INGRAM'S (which basically distributes for ALL THE SOUTH) told them they either didn' have or were not carrying my book. I can't tell you how bad this is. A large percentage of my sales are in the south. I PANICKED and left a LONG WEEPY, HOPELESSLY PATHETIC message on my editor's machine. The machine AT HER HOUSE. ON A WEEKEND. I SNUFFLED for the love of pete, SNUFFLED, and asked didn't Ingrams LIKE me anymore? What had I done? WHY! WHY! I had ALWAYS liked INGRAMS? Could we send Ingram's a NOTE asking if they still liked me with boxes to check that said yes and no and maybe? pulepuleweep. Then I went back downstairs and was told they had gotten my book mistaken with another that they had not been able to get. They actually HAD had copies of the book, it was just they sold every copy they had within 30 minutes of opening the bookstand. Heh. I considered leaping on a plane to my editoprs house and doign the Seinfeld-style break in answering machine tape swap, but settled for calling back to leave a chagrined "Um, nevermind. So, how about them Yankees" message.

10) The first thing I did when I got there was lose my nametag in the potty. Then it was returned to me. The second thing I did was lose it again. Into a black hole. They made a hand-written tag. I took it off at supper, put it back on later, wandered around for an hour, and then looked down to see my tag said I was JANET SOMEONE. I took it off and went to find Janet Someone, but lost THAT tag by the time I found her. HEH.

11) When I turned in my expenses, I basically added up my $16 soup-salad-iced-tea lunch as a $160.00 lunch. That must have been SOME good soup, huh? That gave the conference chair the DELIGHTFUL task of approaching me to try and delicately tell me my math might be the TINIEST BIT off. HEHE. How would you like that job? She was very polite and delicater about it, and I laughed and said, "Oh, see, the problem was you asked me to do math in the first place."

12) After standing at the front of a room leading a two and a half hour session, I began to SERIOUSLY hate my chocolate brown knee boots with the four inch heels.

13) After three Amstel lights and half a Mini-Bottle Super Madras, walking down to the beach in my chocolate brown leather knee boots with the four inch heels seemed like a GREAT IDEA, so now I need new chocolate brown leather knee boots with four inch heels.

14) The phospherous was active (although after three Amstel Lights and half a Mini-Bottle Super Madras, I couldn;t remember the word PHOSPHEROUS and called them/it "the diatoms, the light up diatoms, you know they are like diatoms in that they are little, but more, you know, ELECTRIC in that they light up, so not REALLY like diatoms but small like that. Also, I once ate diatoms. In earth. Diatomacious earth. Tasted kinda lemony, for dirt.") I am pretty dern blase about the whole "beauty of nature" thing, but it was SO spectacular that I kept interrupting whoever was speaking to shriek "LOOKIT THAT! LOOKIT THAT!" every time the phospherous popped and bloomed like a firework set off under the waves.

15) I had a SMASHING good time. It's a great conference.

Posted by joshilyn at October 17, 2005 10:49 AM

I think 4 & 5 are false and the rest are true.

Posted by: DebR at October 17, 2005 11:08 AM

I'm with Deb.

Posted by: Mir at October 17, 2005 11:10 AM

PS...UNLESS at any point in the conference you were wearing a really sexy red dress. If you wore a sexy red dress while there, then I would revise my guess to be that only number 4 is false and the rest are true.

But I really hope number 4 is false because Jessica Simpson?? Eeeuuuwwww!

Posted by: DebR at October 17, 2005 11:16 AM

3 and 4 are false

Has your editor called you back about #9 yet?


Posted by: Elizabeth at October 17, 2005 11:52 AM

I'm on the 4&5 team, but would like to THINK that 8 is also false, because YUCK, what an odious thing to have to think about happening.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at October 17, 2005 1:04 PM

1. True
2. True
3. True
4. False
5. False
6. True
7. True
8. True
9. True
10. True
11. True
12. True
13. True
14. true
15. True

Posted by: Heather at October 17, 2005 1:26 PM

4&6 are false. The rest sound true to me! (C'mon, she could be Jessica Rabbit! Just dye the hair red, add gravity defying dress and voila!) ;)

Posted by: Amy-GO at October 17, 2005 1:56 PM

I wish I had been at the conference if only to be there with you for #14. I've heard all about diatom bioluminescence but never seen it in person. We could've jumped up and down on the beach together (but hopefully without 4 inch heels). I can't believe you actually ATE diatomaceous earth. You mean you weren't joking when you wrote about that ages ago? Poor tulip!

Posted by: Elizabeth at October 17, 2005 2:34 PM

I say only #5 is false. Though I think #4 is too, but perhaps it is a trick! AHA! You can't fool me.

My final answer: Only #5 is false.

Posted by: FoFuSa at October 17, 2005 3:28 PM

I sincerely hope that number 14 is true. Because I've read it 8 times, and laughed each and every time. One of those times, I think I peed, a little.

I had a best friend who was funny like you are. But then she decided she wanted to be a Slimy Embezzler when she grew up, and now she's passing time in the POKEY. Tends to suck the wit right out of you, I'm thinking.

Posted by: seshat at October 17, 2005 4:24 PM

Okay, here goes. I'll say 3, 4, 5 & 12 are false.

Posted by: Aimee at October 17, 2005 4:34 PM

Only 2 is false. Your nose is much straighter than hers.

Posted by: rams at October 17, 2005 8:00 PM

5 and 13.

Amstel Light? No. Just no. Prettier drinks I'm sure. Not light beer. Even if it is an import.

Posted by: Lulu at October 17, 2005 9:07 PM

1, 4, & 5 are false.

I almost went to this conference. Damn, it sounds like fun. You're not coming up to Asheville for the NC Writers Conference in November, are you?

So, did you drop your nametag in the potty? Or just in the bathroom?

Posted by: Edgy Mama at October 17, 2005 9:34 PM

I think only #4 is false and all the rest are true. And as someone who HAS been told she looks like Jessica Rabbit, I sincerely hope you have too, because it's a fun experience.

Posted by: TrudyJ at October 18, 2005 5:33 AM

I'm not playing, cause you said I couldn't. But I'm dying here--who was the woman in #8? Just give a quicky description & I'll try to puzzle it out.

Posted by: Phyllis at October 18, 2005 6:56 AM

Just 5 is false...

Posted by: Donna at October 18, 2005 7:54 AM

Wait, spiders are patient?

Posted by: Cornelia Read at October 18, 2005 11:40 AM

Hey Joss, I'm sure it's too late to win the contest, but I just wanted to say you owe me a keyboard... I spit mocha all over it while I was laughing...

Also wanted to tell you that I used your title as an example today in an article I wrote about creating titles:


Posted by: Martha O'Connor at October 18, 2005 1:26 PM

It's ALL TRUE and I know this because FUNNY THINGS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO YOU and someday I want to be reincarnated as YOU except for the newts.

Posted by: Jilly at October 18, 2005 6:34 PM

There's a title: "You, Except for the Newts"

Posted by: rams at October 19, 2005 8:34 AM