September 22, 2005

Strange Meats

Part of VIRTUE is eating whack-job foods. Not just low fat or whole grain or whatever, but things that are actively bizarre and possibly awful. Because awfulness sure helps you cut those PORTION SIZES!

SO! TODAY at the Kroger I DISCOVERED A NEW MEAT! Yes. I did. A new and previously untasted (by me) anyway MEAT. For EATING. It is sitting by the lovely little veals that make me sad to think about, even though the little veals are so delicious that every couple of years my convictions fall slain before The Piccata Gods and I eat and eat and eat of them and then feel horrid and vow to never eat of them again. So I was staring down at the delicious little veals and thinking, POOR THINGS IN A BOX, WHY MUST YOU TASTE SO GOOD? and I tore my greedy evil eyes away to the LEFT and saw! They had GROUND bison.

BISON! I immediately wanted to eat it.
It has a sticker on the pack and the sicker says "This farm raised Bison contains no growth hormones or preservatives and is all natural and wholesome and and if you are a complete whackjob who is once again pretending that spelt is delicious because you are ridiculously vain (and shallow, did we mention shallow? With poor priorities?) and must lose five pounds, THEN THIS IS THE MEAT FOR YOU, especially if you call it BISON and not BUFFALO because anyone who has ever been 12 and obsessively read the novel Bless the Beasts and the Children over and over while fantasizing about kissing that one boy, we think his name was Cotton, on the MOUTH and SAVING HIM, then they won't be able to choke the meat down if you call it buffalo because their throat will clog with tears at the memory of those ragtag boys, standing at the cliff edge weeping and saying, 'Yah Yah Yah,' so just call it BISON and pretend that is a completely different animal. You tawdry, veal-eating trollop."

It was a big sticker.

I wish I was a vegetarian. I really don't like to think about where ANY of it comes from. I like meat to come from KROGER. In neat, plastic PACKETS. I remember Scott's first job post-grad school was at an event center and they had the EMU EXPO there...I came by to see Scott and we walked around looking at the Emu displays and trying Emu steaks and Emu casseroles and Emu Pate and Emu Puffs. Everything Emu. And it was all REMARKABLY delicious. It was disconcerting though, because they had pens and pens of ACTUAL ALIVE EMU there, too. They were milling about in cheerful little long-legged knots. So we walked around eating delicious emu and looking deep into the sweet long-lashed eyes of Emu who blinked at us sweetly and stupidly as we ate up their cousin Regina. It was very wrong. I haven't had Emu since.

ANYWAY -- I bought a bunch of BISON and then invited my friend Julie and her entire clan over for dinner. We are going to have TACOS. BISON Tacos. I am simultaneously fascinated and repelled and wonder if the children will eat it if we ALL pretend it is just regular ground beef...

I better make some fajita chicken, too, huh?

Posted by joshilyn at September 22, 2005 12:02 PM

NOW my book--previously titled TURGID BISCUIT IMAGERY if you will recall--shall be SUBtitled "Beyond Emu Puffs."

I can smell the bestseller list, I tell you.

Posted by: Mir at September 22, 2005 12:17 PM

Bison is good. So is Buffalo. In Oregon Kroger is a Fred Meyer's (never buy seafood there,) but their meats are usually fine. Especially their Buffalo, I will now have to look and see if they have Bison. Bison is better than beef, Elk is better than both. And I too wish I could stick to a vegetarian diet, I am sinfully bad at dieting.

SINFULLY, maybe if being fat is a sin I would find a way to successfully lose weight. But no instead I would just be losing wait. Drats, and there would go my only virtue by the wayside, or is that weightside?

Hmmmm, tacos sounds sooo good. But brocolli calls because I was SINFUL for breadfast.

Okay, Joss maybe I will have second thoughts about newts vs snakes if I could see the legs, and realize they are slimy and move very slowly,
Not sneak attack like lizards and snakes. You do know they slither at 60 plus miles an hour (snakes not newts) and lay in wait, er maybe that's weight, to catch me blindsided, er maybe that is broadsided.

Posted by: Cele at September 22, 2005 12:19 PM

Like, in Resturaunt at the End of the Universe (Douglas Adams) when they order, the cow comes out and tells them about himselof before they kill him for the steak. Only, with Emu.
I love Rabbit meat, but I wish they'd come up with another name for that. Maybe I can refer to it as Wild Hair. Then, I won't think of Thumper.

Posted by: Heather at September 22, 2005 12:40 PM

err... Wild HARE

Posted by: Heather at September 22, 2005 12:40 PM

Oh, my goodness, Joss. You are the living end! *laughing* Scott, you're saving all your quiet observations for inclusion in a book of your own, right? The one titled 'Living with a Southern, Guilt-inflicted Belle and Loving it?' Hmm. I wonder if anyone make Emu-and-Veal-flavored tofu.

Posted by: David at September 22, 2005 1:27 PM

ROFL Buffalo, er, bison makes good hamburgers ;)

Posted by: Angel at September 22, 2005 1:43 PM

Ok, all you people who said Bison was good: y'all are LIARS. I have had Bison and once was PLENTY. More than plenty. Ugh. *Shudder*

Joshilyn, without me you and Julie are COMPLETELY off the chain. How are you going to get me to move back if my celebratory "Welcome Home" dinner is Bison? Or EMU, for crying out loud? I'd rather eat wheatgrass (something else I'm sure you could arrange). At least out here in Kansas they eat MEAT and are unashamed.

Stop the madness! Stop the madness! *Goes to lie down* :)

Posted by: Amy-GO at September 22, 2005 3:31 PM

Bison's good, but because it's sooooo lean, it really needs some serious shredded cheese and sour cream to become a decent taco, thus, is virtue lost.

And, as all good Southerners know, pork is a gift from the gods. Don't try to deny it. You'll just suffer later.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at September 22, 2005 4:52 PM

Bison is definitely better than spelt. Spelt always sounds like rotting road kill, for some reason. Like a possum that's been on the blacktop in the hot sun for three days. "Isn't that a dead possum?" "Nope. Used to be a possum. Now it's a spelt."
Bison also makes good stroganoff! (of course, stroganoff is anything but virtuous.)

Posted by: Laura at September 22, 2005 6:53 PM

No, no, no. We don't EAT bison; we PHOTOGRAPH bison. It is also okay to let your dog out of the car and run INTO THE BISON, as long as you're not very fond of your dog.

Posted by: Jilly at September 22, 2005 10:17 PM

Ahhh, yes, at a popular restaurant here in town they have BUFFALO Burgers. The first time I ordered it I thought "buffalo" referred to the size, like, "Wow, that hamburger is the size of a freakin' buffalo." But it tasted different. Drier, kind of "wild". My husband asked how I liked the "buffalo". Yep, it was made FROM buffalo. Like the buffalo on our town's flag!Ick. Was not my thang. But, I do like Buffalo wings. Amazing that those wee tasty things can put a buffalo in flight, eh?
Yep, lots of sour cream and salsa and you'll be good.

Posted by: Carolyn at September 23, 2005 12:22 AM

Ok, it's the next day now, so....
How were the bison tacos?
The morbidly curious among us want to know.

Posted by: DebR at September 23, 2005 8:55 AM

Aren't buffalo endangered? At a steak house in Tuscaloosa, they had dolphin. I just couldn't bring myself to try it. Images of Flipper danced in my head. As if getting caught in tuna fish nets wasn't enough. Poor things. I wonder how lean they are, though...

Posted by: Steph at September 23, 2005 10:00 AM