August 24, 2005

5 Things that Seem True Today, But Are probably Not True (alternate title: Mental Illness # Goes Through Roof. Film at 11.)

1) I want to legally change my name to chicken child. Yes, with no capitol C's.

2) I have nothing to blog about. Some days, I can easily let flow 1,000 words on a single butt hair left by a plain brown dog on a beige rug. Today? The whole dog could come in and sit at my desk smoking Pall Malls and making prank phone calls to dead celebrities, and I would slump here in my chair saying, "DOG! CAN YOU HANG UP PLEASE? I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT TO BLOG ABOUT AND YOUR INCESSANT BARKBARKBARK-ING IS GETTING ON MY NERVES. ALSO? I CAN TELL YOU FROM HERE THAT NO, ELVIS'S REFRIGERATOR IS NOT RUNNING, AND JIM MORRISON DOES NOT HAVE PRINCE ALBERT IN A CAN. OKAY? OKAY???

3) The only thing worth eating in all of life is grits and cheese and tomato pie. Nothing else tastes good, nothing else ever has, nothing else ever will.

(It should here be noted that I have a single serving of grits/cheese/tomato pie, but it is QUESTIONABLE. I do not remember WHEN I made it. I do not, in point of fact, remember making it all, which makes me suspect that I made it QUITE some time ago. On the other hand, there is no visible mold and it smells innocuous. On a third [somewhat creepy] hand [because most things have either two or four, so third hand is a little....ugh, anyway,] on this rather creepy third hand, it has EGGS in it. It seems to me that if I do not eat it, I will die of starvation because nothing else in all the universe is remotely nice, and that if I do eat it, it will surely cause my internal organs to liquify and run out through my pores, which will hurt and also probably make me not smell good. So clearly I cannot choose the cup in front of YOU, etc etc.)

4) I want to be named Cornelia Read. Because THEN my name would be CORNELIA READ, which is so AUTHORIAL and UNUSUAL and yet is pronounced just as it is spelled. If I decide NOT to go with chicken child, Cornelia Read would be a good second choice. I say WOULD BE because it is NOT actually a good choice as it is already taken by a VERY fine writer named....yes, Cornelia Read, as the budding detectives among you may have already deduced using your innate detective deductivism. ANYWAY, I just finished the galleys for her debut novel last night and I say unto thee, REMEMBER the name Cornelia Read because 1) her work is funny and smart and dark and amazing and intense and 2) because it may be my name later if I don't pick chicken child and you will need to know it to find me. Or her.

***We interrupt these five things that seem true today but are probably not true to tell you one thing that seems true today and will actually remain true through all forseeable tomorrows: Cornelia Read's debut, FIELD OF DARKNESS, is hands down the best mystery/thriller I have read this year, or the year before, or really since Dennis LeHanes last Patrick and Angela novel. Yes. She's that good. I'll give you a heads up when it comes out. Now, back to it.***

5) I do not want a brand new hairdo, I don't care if my eyelashes curl, I am so far from floating on air I might as well call all walking I cannot avoid today "bitter mud-slogging" and I DO NOT ENJOY BEING A GIRL.

Nuff said.

Posted by joshilyn at August 24, 2005 1:14 PM
Comments

YOU, my dear chicken child, are brilliant when you are ***CENSORED BY ELVES****. Put THAT on a t-shirt. :D

Posted by: Mir at August 24, 2005 1:33 PM

Dear kind sweet pretty wonderful lovely amazing kind scathingly brilliant sweet pretty pretty pretty pretty sublime and lapidary Joshilyn OF MY PALPITATING UNWORTHY HEART...

I am just... I can't... GOOD LORD, WOMAN!!!

Got through the first sentence of your #4 and had to go stand out on my lawn and cry.

Holy.

Shit.

You are not chicken child. I am chicken child.

It is a good thing I am too repressed to be a stalker, because otherwise I would come to your house and lie face-down on your lawn, surrounded by humble strappy kitten-heeled shoe offerings arranged to spell out blessings upon you and all grits/cheese/tomato pies you survey.

I am so very honored by your kindness.

Thank you.

Sincerely,

chicken child

Posted by: Cornelia Read at August 24, 2005 2:07 PM

Oh shush. I'm not a bit kind. It's an exceptionally good book, or I wouldn't have said so. I won't go out of my way to SLAM a book I don't like, if a book I haven't read yet looks interesting to me I will say I am interested but make it plain I haven't read it, AND I don't say I truly love a book unless I truly loved the book.

I truly truly truly loved your book.

Now I am just trying to write a blurb that says so in an interesting manner and failing.

J.

Posted by: Joshilyn at August 24, 2005 2:45 PM

Should we assume you're pregnant?

Posted by: Nosey old lady from the Martha & Mary Guild at August 24, 2005 3:19 PM

Please be comforted by the thought that Cornelia's last name could possibly be pronounced as RED instead of READ. See, it is really not as unambiguously pronounced as it seems and thus not a name to steal (plus I don't want to be confused by two fabulous writers with the same name).

Posted by: Sara at August 24, 2005 3:58 PM

1. Maybe you could be chicken child Read, (or would that be chicken child read??), Cornelia's illegitimate (and possibly evil) twin sister.

2. Don't ask me how you could be both Cornelia's twin AND illegitimate while she's legit. I just have these ideas, I don't work out the details. Ask the dog.

3. Can you perhaps make a whole new grits and cheese and tomato pie rather than eating the old one and dying a horrid painful death? Because that part sounds Not Fun.

4. Wait a minute....I had a fourth point when I started....thinking...thinking...

5. Never mind.

Posted by: DebR at August 24, 2005 4:37 PM

Since I'm currently living in Harry Potter World (after having just reread all 6 books), I believe the Malfoys have put that mysterious tomatoe pie in your refrigerator and under no circumstances should you eat it!!!!

also . . . are you PMSing??? I don't get blue anymore when that happens, I just get angry and pick fights.

Posted by: Dana W at August 24, 2005 5:01 PM

If you're named Cornelia, the down side is getting called Corny all the time, which is no Swiss picnic. Also most of the other Cornelias you will ever hear about are suspiciously strapping and hirsute former East German Olympic swim team ladies.

And I don't CARE if it doesn't seem like a big deal to say you liked the book just because you are mildly delusional enough to have actually liked the book, dear Joss, you are still REALLY NICE to say so.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at August 24, 2005 5:02 PM

Oh, and then there's Cornelia Funke, whose name I've considered stealing for some time now... which would be even better now because I'd get to be "funke chicken child."

Posted by: Cornelia Read at August 24, 2005 5:07 PM

Be careful admitting you have nothing to blog about. I mentioned that yesterday to another blogger, and POOF! we have a tropical storm coming to visit. :::Giving the internet gods the evil eye::::

Posted by: Angel at August 24, 2005 5:40 PM

I dont' k now how to break it to you but you can't be Cornelia's evil twin, that position was already claimed months ago. Ahem. hi. We might have to hold auditions for other positions - and she CAN be bought. Cheap. Trust me.
BUT, speaking as someone who goes for DAYS without having ANYthing to say on her blog, and obsesses about it (oh very quietly) and then goes POOF (4 posts in 5 days but none of them is exactly ULYSSES), you so need to let yourself off the hook.

And yes, it's NOT like anyone out there will ever confuse "Cornelia Read" with someone else. I hadn't thought of the whole "Read/Red" thing - I recently read the newest Jasper Fforde which is set in "Reading" and I wondered lots which way to pronounce it; I mean I know the way it's probably supposed to be pronounced, but this is Jasper Fforde we're talking about) but at least they'll probably probaby spell it right. And there's some joke in there about "funky" and Cornelia, but i'm not up to it. But she emailed me to tell you how nice you were. I'm just not too sure about "chicken child". I suspect it's like a tattoo you MIGHT regret somewhere down the line.

And YES, Cornelia's book SO ROCKS. SO MUCH. I'm SO glad I am not in a position to blurb it because I get incoherent about it really quickly. It's THAT good.

Posted by: Andi at August 24, 2005 6:41 PM

Oh dear, it sounds like you are having a very bad day indeed. In fact, a terrible/no good/Alexander day. Cheer up, this too shall pass.

Posted by: Ray at August 24, 2005 8:28 PM

Don't cha hate it when you've read a book that is sooooooo good and no one else has read it yet? So you have
NO.ONE.TO.TALK.ABOUT.IT.WITH
argh, it's enough to make you pullout my bleach blondes by the dried roots.

Hmmmmm, what do you get when you cross a Cornelia Read with a Joshilyn Jackson...the conundrums are endless, but it sounds like she(they, them, its, and all the evil twins inbetween) will write great books about funky chicken child's tomato, grits, cheese pie. OHMIGOD! THE.SKY.IS.FALLING!

Sorry my northern's showing. Do they really put grits, cheese, and tomatoes in a pie?
oh the inhumanity of it all. And my sister says I have identity issues.

Posted by: Cele at August 24, 2005 8:34 PM

You kill me.

I GOT THE JOB!

Posted by: Heather at August 24, 2005 8:37 PM

4.(I finally remembered 4!) Maybe you could compromise on the name thing. You could be Josnelia Jackread while the writer-formerly-known-as-Cornelia could be Cornilyn Readson. Or versa visa.

Posted by: DebR at August 24, 2005 11:26 PM

Good Ol' Doc Hiai's Prescription:

1. 3 Advil gelcaps 250 mg for those nasty crampy/bloaty/headachy things.

2. AVOID ALL CHEESE. For at least 24 hours. Instead, power up on things with better nutritional value, i.e.; chocolate. and chocolate with carmel and/or nuts. Oh, but cheeseCAKE would be ok, so long as there is chocolate involved as well.

3. No name changes. Unless firmly committed to tattooing it on the small of your back, like the stupid designs one must wear low rise jeans to show off, if one is absurdly self-hating and pretentious, at the same time. THAT will give you pause.

4. At least one hour of playing with Sonoma House Deco, Elven Style. That, or the fierce slaying of at least three Tokuno creatures. Either is a balm to the soul.

5. Close your eyes and remember, for a full count of 10, that you know people like, say, Cornelia Read, and they know you..AND they LIKE you, immensely! Because...YOU! ARE! PRETTY! And since people like that are never wrong... you must submit to the truth! :D

Posted by: hiai at August 25, 2005 2:23 AM

I'M BAAAAA-AAAACK! With a fully operational computer! Woot!

Ahhhh, PMS. Recently I too have enjoyed its onslaught after a fifteen month reprieve. I had forgotten how much fun it can be. Over the weekend I quite seriously considered the purchase of a flamethrower to use on my husband during - he STARTED it! - an argument. Ahem. *blush* But I got over it. This too shall pass, Tulip!

Posted by: Amy at August 25, 2005 9:45 AM

Isn't amazing how when you start writing a blog entry with no topic, you came up with Cornelia Read? However, I'd buy a book by Joshilyn Jackson over Chicken Child any day of the week. And I don't eat food containing eggs when I can't remember how long ago I cooked it, either. I'd call you Smart Sister for that, having once suffered through food poisoning.

As for being an illegitmate twin, technically it is possible. Let's say a woman slept with both her husband and another man on the same day, then, while all that sperm was spending it's time there, she ovulated with two eggs...I think you get the picture.

Posted by: Karin at August 25, 2005 1:46 PM

Joshilyn,

Somehow I think that somewhere here in the backwoods of the South, there is a person named chicken child. I think they may live in the very small dot on the map called Marvel, Alabama. Where there is a sign on the side of the road that says "Do ALL pigs go to heaven?" Thank goodness, I live on the other side of the river from that place and try to live life as a hermit until we get at least one day that is below 95 and with humidity of 89.72546%.

If you can't remember making the pie, do not eat it! You need M&M's! (Just not the mysterious ones!)

Posted by: Robbie at August 25, 2005 4:56 PM