FIRST, for the record, if 1) you thought Tuesday's entry was a TOUCH risque and 2) you are my mother (I suspect these two states of being will coincide), let me assure you that I did not actually GET Kira's joke about the Patriarch and Egypt, and indeed only included it because Mir said it was very funny and not to worry my pretty head about it.
Glad we cleared THAT up.
As you know, Oh My Best Beloveds, most of the GCC members (including me) have auctions up on E-Bay to raise money for one of our own who lost EVERYTHING but her dog in a lightening-meets-cottage-whoops-no-renter's-insurance accident. My auction for a signed first ed of gods in Alabama and a crit, is now over 100 bucks and I am rethinking it. On the one hand, it's flattering and more importantly, Marianne has NO earthly goods so, YAY! But then----YIKES! I have to come up with a crit so detailed and insightful that it is WORTH over 100 bucks. DOH! I am thinking I better go WORD BY WORD. So, if you WIN, perhaps your crit will look something like this:
"Her" --- Good word to begin a sentence with, as long as the subject of the sentence is female. If male, you might want to try "His." Or if the subject turns out to be, say, a spaceship or a rhododendron, "Its" is a handy word.
"canine" -- A little formal. Try "dog."
"teeth" -- Oh, wait. ix-nay on the og-day suggestion. That's fine then.
"were" --- Hmmm, I am suspicious of were and all related be verbs. Can an active verb go here?
"pointy," -- YES IT CAN! Cut the WERE and just say, "Her canine teeth pointed" which, wow, she must have some freakishly prehensile canine teeth! I am now very interested in this character! WELL DONE! But I am a very insightful reader, so you may want to help the less schooled out here and say UP FRONT that they are freakishly prehensile. Also? Maybe you should get some ADJECTIVES in there so we can better picture these acrobatic mouth pointers. I like PALLID AND VENOMOUS for her (or its or his, as the case may be) teeth, personally.
"indicating"-- AH good, I was dying to know what the teeth were pointing at, but indicated is FORMAL again and can probably be cut, because if they are pointing they are by definition indicating something. Let's now SURGE forward and see how the sentence ends...
"a randy nature." Hmmm, Well, little grammar foible here. A PROPER NOUN like "Randy Nature" needs caps and doesn't take an article, so cut the "a." Also, don't you think NATURE is a little...obvious for a last name? Like, let me guess. This Randy guy will be some sort of vegetarian tree enthusiast, RIGHT? Thought so. Try something a little less heavy handed. Like, Finkelbeir. OKAY so. Let's look at how this first sentence shapes up.
You had: Her canine teeth were pointy, indicating a randy nature.
Now it reads: Her pallid, venomous canine teeth pointed in a freakishly prehensile manner at Randy Finkelbeir.
Hey, I know. It's amazing what a pro can do. Stop crying! You are WELCOME, already! No, really, stop crying....
Bid early, bid often, and if I have just terrified you, there are PLENTY MORE THINGS up for grabs in the Marianne Mancusi Fire Fund Auction-Gallery of Charm.Posted by joshilyn at August 18, 2005 4:10 PM