August 16, 2005

Three Random Neurons Firing

1) I need two simple, small things to be completely happy for the rest of my life: A Quadspillion Dollars and for the powers that be to build a Whole Foods near me. OR actually, since I am going to have a Quadspillion dollars, the Whole Foods can stay where it is. I can just hire a man to drive me to Whole Foods and stand outside (sweating up the livery and holding my obligatory purse-dog) while I spend 20 bucks on a a pound and a half of organic cherries. OR I can buy a a small in-town home, like a FUNKISH LOFT that I can stay in when I venture into Atlanta to buy the cherries. We will "winter" in Maui, "summer" in Provence, and "Grocery" at Whole Foods. *sigh*

ACTUALLY I just need a 300 dollar a week grocery budget, which I can easily arrange to have by simply not paying my mortgage anymore. We will live in a box, but LORDY we will eat like KINGS!

HEY! NEW DIET!!! Want to eat yourself sick and still lose a pound in three days? All you have to do is sell some plasma and then go to Whole Foods and get the grilled asparagus salad, Vegetarian Stuffed Portabellos, Organic Cherries, Rudi's bread, Smoked Salmon Salad, a box of Cheese Crabby-Crab Spicy Mushroom Thing, and a lot of bottles of Mandarin orange Sparkling Mineral Water and red wine (for the anti-oxidants and the....Kira told me red wine has something else good in it. Like...I want to say "Funkanoids." That can't be right, can it? Funkanoids? Or maybe Flavonots? SOMETHING--I don't know what it is called or what it purportedly DOES for your healthiness, but Kira says it is GOOD FOR YOU and it is in RED WINE and so I choose to believe her. Fervently.) Eat all this stuff for three days, eat until you are SICK, eateateateat, screaming in ecstasy after every bite, then get tremulously on the scale after the 3 day party-of-eating is over and lo and behold. You'll be down a pound. Maybe screaming is ecstasy is aerobic? Whatever. Just sell the plasma.

2) Scott and I were sitting in the office trying to decide what plays we want to see in London (We are thinking ON THE CEILING and maybe THEATER OF BLOOD, but for the record we are BLACKLY SAD that THE TEMPEST is playing at the Globe the day before we arrive and the day after we leave but NOT ONCE while we are in town, and Kevin Spacey won't be Richard the Thirding while we are there either, BAH!) Sam was with us. SUDDENLY! We heard the unmistakable crash of glass shattering on a hardwood floor. The sound came from the dining room, and it was followed by a conspicuous silence.

I ran across the hall, yelling, "MAISY JANE, DO NOT MOVE! DO NOT TAKE ONE STEP!" because I knew that she was barefoot. We skidded to a stop and there stood our daughter, frozen in place, entirely surrounded by the remains of a crystal pitcher. She looked up at us, wide-eyed with panic, and before either of us could say a word, she hollered, "IT BROKE-DED BY IT'S OWN!"

I had to IMMEDIATELY turn my back and let Scott handle it because it would have been deadly to let her see that that I was practically suffocating myself trying not to laugh.

3) In the car, Kira and Mir and I were listening to a CD called THE PATRIARCH'S ONE TRUE PLAN or something. I got it for Scott to listen to, because it's a very handy instruction manual you men can use to stamp out vile feminism before it infests your home, and also explains why it is morally wrong to use birth control. Scott should just insist that I have as many babies as God wants me to have. Also, I should stop with all the BOOK WRITING NONSENSE because that's not actually very fulfilling for me like 12 or 14 babies would be. It was being handed out for free by a Concerned Citizen, and after I had heard it once and THOROUGHLY enjoyed the BIZARRO way the speaker pauses in between entirely inappropriate words (SAMPLE. AND!...THE MAN ...MUST!... SAY TO HIS...FAMILY! I...Have A...PLAN!!...AN UNDERSTANDING!..OF!...TRUTH!...Like THE PATRIRACHS!....OF!...THE OLD TEST!...AMENT!! etc etc) I REALLY wanted Scott to hear it too. I had this plan where I was going to be very sincere and ask him to listen to it and act like I thought it was all very smart and nifty, and see how long it took him to clue in that his chain was being yanked.

Alas, it never got out of the box. I oversold it---made the mistake of calling it "Life Altering " Scott immediately got the skeptical eyebrows and said, "Yeah. That's what they told the cat before his operation, baby. I'll pass."

SO ANYWAY, Mir and Kira and I were listening to it in the car and Mir was all, "They need to put this to MUSIC!" And you know, it DOES have kind of a catchy backbeat what with all the odd long pauses. And we listened a little more...

Preacher: AND! ... The Patriarch!... WENT DOWN!...
Kira: Suddenly I feel more amenable towards this whole "Patriarch" movement.
Preacher: ...INTO EGYPT!
Kira: Oh. Never mind.

We are all three going to hell...

Posted by joshilyn at August 16, 2005 9:29 AM

I? Will save you a SEAT. For surely I will be the first to... PERISH! (HOW could you leave out the part about all the people who PERISHED? I'm certain it was a result of all the GOING DOWN... but they died happy, I'll wager.)

Posted by: Mir at August 16, 2005 10:10 AM

And you're going to have such a fun, red-wine fueled time down there! Please save space:) (Because I'm sure it's really just a lovely corner of heaven reserved for us deserving few ... who can laugh with and at God ... just as he laughs at and with us!)

Posted by: Leslie at August 16, 2005 10:30 AM

Well, as Mark Twain said, "Heaven for climate, hell for society."

Posted by: rams at August 16, 2005 11:50 AM

The narrator obviously went to the William Shatner school of elocution.

Posted by: Bob at August 16, 2005 3:08 PM

Flavanoids, I think? They're in red wine? Yea!

I feel for you, Joshilyn. I have the same organic grocery addiction. I spent $200 this morning on school lunchbox fixings--tiny boxes of organic raisins, Happy Cox milk cartons, individual packages of organic peanut butter crackers, bags of bulk items like yoghurt pretzels, rice crackers, and carob-coated peanuts. I then read the riot act to my first grader. "You will eat everything in your lunchbox or bring the leftovers home. You will not throw a single 5 cent raisin nor half of a $1 Happy Cow milk box away. You will be healthy, even if we do have to live in a box."

Posted by: Edgy Mama at August 16, 2005 3:09 PM

Happy Cox? I need me some of that. (Talk about perishing).


Posted by: Kismet at August 16, 2005 3:33 PM

I wonder if the Patriarch guy is related to Barbara Cartland? That's exactly how I remember the love scenes from her books back when I read a few in my early teens --- "Oh, god! I...never this!" Maybe BC was really the Patriarch guy in drag!

Posted by: DebR at August 16, 2005 3:58 PM


(oh, but not the patriarchs. they just made me mad mad mad)

Posted by: dynagirl at August 16, 2005 5:53 PM

Oh. My. Goodness. Someone come pick my crumpled body off the floor. Can Kira come to my house next?

Posted by: Heather at August 16, 2005 6:17 PM

Oh, the PATRIARCH GUYS!! They are here in Idaho too!! When I see them I always say there's no way I could be their woman because they don't BATHE ENOUGH nor do they have acceptable teeth for KISSING and then I start talking about about more kissing and what THAT leads to and then they call me a whore and then I laugh and leave.

Posted by: Jilly at August 16, 2005 6:22 PM

You know, I actually kept it together until I read the last line of this post, and then I laughed so hard, I snorted flavonoid-ladened red wine up my nose!

Posted by: Miz Rufel at August 16, 2005 9:33 PM

Peeing...myself...laughing...cannot...breathe...suffocating...not fair...will miss...reading hell...*grin*

Posted by: Amy at August 16, 2005 9:52 PM

It was the WALKING. The pound lost? It was from the way we ATTACKED those trails, it was.
When I got home, Clay asked me what you guys were like in person, and I burbled enthusiastically about you both for a while, then added, "And Joss - I LIKE the way that girl walks."
This earned me a LOOK, and then I had to explain myself for a while.
But I DO.

Posted by: Kira at August 17, 2005 12:25 AM

Where is Whole Foods? 12 or 14 babies!!! I will now notice how you walk...? I am also very curious about Mir and Kira.

Posted by: Jane F. at August 17, 2005 2:32 PM

ROFLMAO..."But it broked-ded by itself!"...I would have cracked up before I even turned around!

Posted by: Dorothy at August 18, 2005 2:11 PM

Joss, I'm so sorry that I used the phrase "Happy Cox" in your comment section. It was a typo, I swear. Although it does seem that we need to find Kismet a boyfriend.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at August 18, 2005 3:26 PM

Here I was innocently reading CCN and look what I found:
It's not exactly a guilt-free pleasure, but food researchers say cocoa beans could be good for you. The health potential is real. Cocoa beans have natural compounds called flavanols, and a growing pile of scientific research suggests they do good things to blood vessels

SSSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOO- Red Wine & Chocolate are good for us!!!!! I love it!!!!!

Posted by: Chris at August 19, 2005 2:43 PM

I...will be...right you.

Posted by: Dawn at August 20, 2005 11:02 AM