August 2, 2005

I am TOFU! Hear Me ....Sit Damply in a Box.

I AM tofu---this from an earlier entry: "If you set me next to anything for even a little time, I pick up its flavors. This means I have to choose my friends a little bit....carefully. It's not good to set an open tofu package near the cat box, metaphorically speaking. So that's why I don't spend a lot of time with, say, crack smoking, venereal disease addled violent felons. I mean, there are some things you KNOW you do not want to pick up."

So I BLEW the 20 days of virtue---remember the 20 days of virtue??? -- and I blame my friend Julie. The Twenty Days of Virtue was supposed to get the 4 pounds I gained on tour OFF MY BUTT, remember? But it turned into two days of virtue followed by a month long carnival of cheesy popcorn and Darkside M&M snarfing. NOT GOOD. But see, this self-same Julie, who is one of my closest friends, is breast feeding. Which means she can eat anything that MOVES and she is still starving after that so she eats all the inanimate objects and then has PIE and yet she NEVER GAINS A POUND. Breast feeding is MAGIC like that.

Julie is usually a GOOD influence on me because she's a little bit crunchy, you know? She's down with the macrobiotic granola, and so when I hang out with her we usually spend our time nibbling sunflower seeds and bench pressing our children. It's GREAT. BUT in recent weeks, since the baby, she invites me over and we pretty much hang out basking in HER placid nursing hormones and I obligingly help her eat up vats of buttered meat. Even with my crazed exorcise schedule, I went up another pound and change. I became unamused and wailed and whined to my friend Matt.

Me: Since all the fat is already in my buttocks, maybe I could squeeze some more of it down there and split it off into a whole separate other person. Lord knows there's enough butt back there already to make Dr. Ruth.
Matt: Ah, good plan. Would that be Meiosis or Mitosis?
Me: I don't know, but the butt-person could be handy to have around. You know, for cleaning out the litter box.
Matt: I think that form of reproduction is actually called "Rumptual Budding."

BUT A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO! AT LAST! HURRAY!! Julie became unhappy with her new EAT IT ALL AND THEN EAT MORE plan. She's very sporty and outdoorsy and athletic, and she says its really bothering her that she is storing an extra five pounds. (I suspect she means she is storing five pounds in a box under her bed because I certainly don't see them on her body. Or maybe she means she is storing them on MY butt. I certainly see proof of THAT!) Her response has been to go on this program called BODY BY GOD where you eat NATURAL foods and shun anything MAN-TAMPERED, no preservatives or hormones or white flour and sugar, and you use SEA SALT and get serious with the nuts and roots and berries and wild-caught ocean fish etc. etc. And I, with my tofu-ish and characteristic lack of gorm, am becoming a complete whackjob Whole Foods loon right along with her. HUZZAH!

Actually I can't follow her program exactly because it's anti-dairy which I think is crap. I think dairy is wholesome and kindly. Milk---assuming you spring for the second mortgage so you can afford the hormone-free organic --- is NOT a FOOD BY MAN. It's by God, dernit. Or at least, it's by COW. Close enough. But I have gone along with the rest of it, and am living on almond butter and organic veggies and free range chicken raised without hormones and this frozen LOAF thing that is best described as GLUTEN FREE SOY UNWHEAT BERRY SPELT BREAD SUBSTITUTE WITH FLAX RENDERINGS. That last one tastes like SOUR DEATH, but man, do I feel VIRTUOUS! I practically glow with a white light as I choke it down. And my pants are getting looser, so shut up and pass me another slice.

I was telling Matt about the breadlike substance and he said I should skip this intermediate step and go straight to burying myself in the soil and getting all my nutrients through photosynthesis. Hehe. He gets off some pretty dern good lines, that Matt.

BUT TOO BAD, MATT! I stick my fingers in my ears and ignore you. You big carnivore. My course is set and you can't argue with looser pants. Nothing encourages me like a smaller butt. I fear for my children. I am starting to wonder why I would feed something to my precious kids that I won't eat myself because I KNOW it has the same nutritional value as a clump of dog hair dipped in festering lard. I am now casting a jaundiced eye upon Maisy's beloved Snak-Paks and Sam's addiction to canned mandarin oranges. If I don't get hold of myself, they are going to end up just like those kids you see in California wearing hemp pants and rubber shoes and licking desperately at their rock hard yeast-and-sugar-free soy isolate protein muffins as they wait by the side of the road for their mom to come take them home to the co-op in the electric car.

So far all I have done is trade the store brand mac-n-cheese for Annie's Organic White Cheddar Whole Wheat kind, but hey, THEY ATE IT UP LIKE MOTHER'S BISCUITS. And every journey---even the internal journey from Cheeto-junkie to CrunchHead---begins with a single step.

Posted by joshilyn at August 2, 2005 12:16 PM

M-kay. So does this mean you don't want to hear about my daily, when-I-get-home snack of a couple slices of nearly white, Honey Wheat toast, buttered liberally with real live, honest to goodness (by God) butter and slathered with oh-so-sweet-but-tart apricot jam? 'Cause, you know, I wouldn't want to make you weep or anything. ;-)

Posted by: David at August 2, 2005 1:36 PM

We're pretty crunchy, but I let my kids eat pretty much anything, as long as it doesn't contain either high fructose corn syrup (diabetes-inducing poison) or hydrogenated oils (brain and artery clogging lipids), which, of course, cuts out 90% of packaged and processed foods at your typical grocery store. Then when Enviro-spouse wonders how I manage to spend $200 a week at Green Life, all I have to do is hold up a 5 ounce box of $4 crackerss!

Good work, Joshilyn--you definitely can't argue with looser pants! Does Matt have a blog?

Posted by: Edgy Mama at August 2, 2005 1:48 PM

"crazed exorcise schedule"

Probably my favorite quote EVER from this site. I can hear it now: "In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit I cast thee out, fat butt! Be gone!"

Posted by: Karry at August 2, 2005 2:11 PM

You dare to mock my malopropisms!??!?! 10 points from Gryffindor!


Posted by: Joshilyn at August 2, 2005 2:16 PM

My son (who is now able to live on his own being an adult & all) far prefers "Annie Rabbit"* pasta to the flourescent regular grocery store stuff. The Alfredo version and the Mexican version are especially good.

O-course I am still packing an extra 20 pounds from birthing him. (Oh, you mean those aren't single-serving boxes?)

*We were sure for years that the Rabbit on the box front is named Annie. But now I think we were wrong. It's Bob or something....

Posted by: tyreese at August 2, 2005 5:22 PM

OMG you're eating EZEKIEL BREAD!!!

I used to buy that for Monkey on account of his deep love of carbs and the lady at the health food store promising me that it would cure his constipation. Maybe if I had jammed it directly up his-- oh, nevermind. He refused to eat it no matter what I did. I don't blame him.

If I bring my rollerblades, can I have real bread? ;)

Posted by: Mir at August 2, 2005 6:00 PM

I had chicken fried calories with a sugar lick at lunch. I think I like your plan better, and I could certainly use looser pants. It's harder to find free range hormoneless chicken out in the sticks (how backwards is that?), so I might have to trek to the big city, but I've been mulling it over for a while. You inspiration, you.

Posted by: Andi at August 2, 2005 6:14 PM

OMG! For the sake of your children, you need a dose of me! I'm still in the breastfeeding-so-eat-it-if-you-can-catch-it stage. Today I've had Peanut Butter Crunch cereal, a biscuit with butter and honey, a (healthy) turkey sandwich, some strawberry ice cream, raspberries mashed together with whipped cream, and will soon have black bean espresso chili with mounds of cheese and sour cream, and ice cream cake for dessert!

And yes, I'm still losing weight. Zoe may be breastfed til she's 12! (Kidding. But boy, I love the calorie burning!)

Posted by: Laura at August 2, 2005 7:40 PM

Sounds like the Maker's Diet, which I spent some time cowering in fear because of. I thought the hubster was going to really do it, meaning I would be doing it too. Scary. I must have milk, thankyouverymuch.

Posted by: Heather at August 2, 2005 8:13 PM

God Almighty, you crack me up. That's all I have to say. Loved the book, have told all my friends about it, even--especially?-- my Yankee friends. Love the blog. Keep writing, keep writing, keep writing. Lord, you are a funny person.

Posted by: Ray at August 2, 2005 8:48 PM

Every sentence in this post had me cracking up. You are hilarious!

Posted by: Katie at August 2, 2005 11:53 PM

God made fruit, didn't he? Please tell me you are eating good wholesome natural sugary fruit!

Posted by: Heather McCutcheon at August 3, 2005 10:25 AM

Read the "exorcise" segment to my Catholic co-worker and she laughed and then said with interest "Think it would work?"

Posted by: rams at August 3, 2005 10:54 AM

20 minutes later, after much laughter and having ONCE.AGAIN to reapply my makeup - I have to say with all love - green envy and good old fashioned skinny cell lust - I hate Julie and Laura.

Question: Why does both Ezekial and Spelt bread smell so good, but taste like gleanings left over after bucking season? They say eggs are cheaper in the country, but not organic eggs or chickens. Why is it that something not man tampered is more expensive than God Made? Why? I live in Oregon the home of green and goodness (because you do know that old Hippies and Granola people never die they just move to Oregon,) but organic sends you straight to the poor house. Hmmm, that could explain the state's welfare roles. Okay so if it is a virtuous God Made diet I will die because I eat tons of virtuous fiber - I mean like 40 grams a day - but still eat ice cream. I mean what is life without ice cream? I'll give up extramarital sex first - oh wait I did that three husbands ago - wait I'll give up darn, I'll give up. I just give up because life does not go on without ice cream.

Let's all pray for Rumptual Budding and that Matt has a blog.

Lane County watch out, five more butt people will soon be on the census roles.

Uh-oh! Butter Lovers popcorn isn't God Made is it? I'd like to appeal this ruling - it has fiber!

Posted by: Cele at August 3, 2005 11:55 AM

Just so you know, we're from California and my kids practically live off Spicy Cheetos. And they don't wear hemp pants and rubber shoes. They wear Converse. It's their jewelry that's hemp, silly.

Posted by: Julia at August 3, 2005 6:15 PM

We live in California too (BERKELEY, even), and we all wear Converse. And think hemp is lame. Our jewelry is made of Spicy Cheetos, though. Despite the fact that I specifically requested Cheddar 'n' Sour Cream *Ruffles* earrings for my birthday this year.

Husbands. Feh.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at August 4, 2005 8:37 PM

OMG I HAVE to find a way to move back to you before you and Julie ENTIRELY DISAPPEAR from too much exercise and diet....if it tastes like crap, it ain't worth eating! Save the calories!
And btw, Julie's extra five and your imaginary five landed MONTHS ago on MY behind. And I'm STILL going to have a doughnut when I finish this. So revel in your virtousness (which is AMAZING when compared to mine)!

Posted by: Amy at August 9, 2005 10:39 PM