July 26, 2005

Lazzzzzy ZZzzzzzzzzz

AH YOU PHILISTINES, dissing Pigeon Forge in the comments! Pigeon Forge is FANTASTIC, just as long as you don't go down into the actual town, which is constantly mired in traffic as people zoom frantically from the Ripley's Museum of Toe-Wax to Mungo Bob's Weed-in-the-Teeth Musical Comedy Hoedown. I can honestly say my desire to see Mungo Bob hoe his musical way down some comedy is equal to my desire to have my feet chewed off by irradiated, fanged Bowl Weevils, but hey, to each his own.

My children, for example, have been pouring over a huge stack of what I call The-Brochures-of-the-Damned, and they are RABID to see Mungo Bob. It looks GREAT to them, and hey, you have to tip your hat. After all, Mungo Bob is a very rare and exotic creature---a Working Actor. Go, Bob, Go. And forgive us, Bob, if we mock you a little and worse, if we do not pay out to see you, but I suspect that 10 minutes in I would begin to BEG for the Bowl Weevils to come and chew me free, so I could hop frantically away on my bloody stumps. If there MUST be a show (my children assure me that there MUST, and my mother is backing them) I think we will pick something a tad bit less prat-fall and fart-joke laden. Black Bear Jamboree anyone?

But that is for another night....today? What has Mungo Bob to do with us? We are in a cabin clinging to the side of an undetermined Smokey Mountain. We have a hot tub. We have a pool. We have a big supply of a VERY decent Shiraz-Grenache, we have views that I am assured are breathtaking, we have X-Box, and between us over 50 books, and we all NetFlixxed movies and brought them, and last night we watched A Very Long Engagement on the big screen TV (two thumbs WAYWAYWAY up --- The movie captures the spirit of the book, and the book is pretty much perfect. So.) and we have steaks for grilling, and we have a grill. It's all good, baby. So Hurricane Dennis destroyed one vacation, we shrug in a Gallic fashion (after all we DID just watch a superlative French film) and go to Tennessee. Stupid Hurricane. We are undefeated. We are JACKSONS. We can have fun ANYPLACE. Well, as long as we have an internet connection. SO THERE.

My turn to make dinner happened last night, but I fell asleep on my face for two hours after my wine-laden hot tub lunch, so for dinner I chose to make "order some Pizza." I found a local Pizza Parlor and LORDY but it was VERY good --- they do a brewer's special with chicken and garlic and roasted tomatoes and spinach. It was fantastic and not something we can get at home. DIGRESSION: What’s up with all the OLIVE GARDENS and CHILI'S in a TOURIST town? Why would you drive halfway across the country to eat at an Olive Garden??? I can eat at Olive Garden at HOME and it will be just like every other Olive Garden that ever was, world without end, amen. Eating there on vacation makes NO sense, and yet in comes Olive Garden to a tourist town, peddling ersatz soup-n-breadsticks and faux-Italian Un Po De' MUSICA (as Lucia would say) and some local eatery goes belly up. PLEASE when you go on vacation, TAKE A CHANCE! GO NATIVE! EAT SOMETHING WEIRD!

OH! SOMETHING IRKED ME! BUT there are MILD HARRY POTTER SPOILERS in the following so, if you (like me) hate even the mildest of spoilers, stop here. Nothing SPECIFIC, but there is some info of a general nature that you may not know, and may I say, I envy you your ignorance.

I went to pick the pizzas up because I had NO idea where to tell them to deliver them. (um...Just find a really tall mountain and hurl them toward the little cabin that looks like it is about to slide down kill us all! Aim at the tiddley chick in the hot tub! OKAY!) I took Harry Potter with me (I have left my son behind and am shamelessly reading it MYSELF) and I sat on the pizza-waiting bench and this woman sat by me and said, “Oh, it’s so sad, this new one.”

Me: Oh, um, Hi. Yeah, I just started it. Please don’t tell me anything about it. I’ve really avoided reading about it or hearing about it---If I know too much it spoils the book for me.
Her: So, like, you don’t know which main character dies?
Me: Heh. Um no. I REALLY do not like to know things ahead of time. Like, say, that a main character dies. That’s something I wouldn’t want to know. So, please, do not tell me anything else about the book. It really does spoil it for me.
Her: Oh Okay. Sorry.
*brief pause*
Her: But you should know that the end is SUCH a cliff hanger! I could hardly believe it---See,I was thinking—

Then I pulled off my shoe and beat her to death with it.

Well,no. But I WANTED to. What actually happened was, I interrupted her and said, “HAVE YOU SEEN MUNGO BOB’S MUSICAL COMEDY HOEHOWN? Because you ABSOLUTELY should. It’s the best show ever!”
I hope she goes. And I hope the Bowl Weevils get her.

Posted by joshilyn at July 26, 2005 8:36 AM

LOL! Which part of "I don't want to know anything" does this chick not understand??

But good save on your part! I am MOST impressed with you!

I would also add that if you ever vacation in a place with perfectly HORRID food [for example, oh... I don't know... a place in Idaho I won't mention by name] You'll be QUITE glad for all of those chain restaurants. Oh, yes, ma'am. You truly will!


Posted by: Alicia at July 26, 2005 9:37 AM

What an evil woman! I just finished the latest Potter last night, and I know how you feel. It's especially hard with a book like this that has so much hipe.

I think with each book in the series I have been forced to put my fingers in my ears and shout "LALALALA" at a family member or complete stranger.

Posted by: Bonnie at July 26, 2005 10:20 AM

Ergh...I *hate* people who just blather about spoilers when you SPECIFICALLY tell them you don't want to hear. I'm reviewing the Potter book for a little magazine, and even though my review will be in the August issue by which time most of the die-hard fans will have already read it, I still loaded it with bells and whistles and spoiler alerts so that anybody who wanted to could, you know, stop reading. I hope the shoe you beat her with was POINTY.

Posted by: Aimee at July 26, 2005 10:49 AM

I went around with my fingers in my ears for three days saying, "LA LA LA LA -- I don't want to hear it!" Finally I just stayed home and finished the darn book.

Posted by: Tracy at July 26, 2005 11:33 AM

I have been SO good and not told my teenager ANYTHING except that it is a great book with and amazing ending and I can't wait to read the next one. Oh, and I'm impressed with how she handles Harry growing up. But I can't wait for him to finish it, so we can talk about ... oops! ;)

Posted by: Jensgalore at July 26, 2005 11:34 AM

I maybe the only person - oops, wrong, my husband reads NOTHING! - that hasn't and won't (at least for a long time) read Potter. I'm not sure why, but I know there are sooooo many good books out there demanding my attention. That and I know the movie will be out in two years.....or whenever. Plus I am in the midst of a critique - that requires two to three reads, and another coming up next week.

So imagine my dismay when I ask my daughter and her roomie, who both took the day off - stood in line waiting for the midnight buying season, just to indulge their Potter craving, about the book.

They were so good, it drove me crazy. I had to threaten teeth pulling and a visit from crazy aunt Maria to get the spoil riddled details. Argh! Then they didn't tell me all. YOU would have been proud of them.

Posted by: Cele at July 26, 2005 12:20 PM

The woman in the pizza parlor must have been the same one that kept staring at me during our last trip to Pigeon Forge. Actually it was like 3 years ago, hubby and I went for our 10th anniversary. Two days before we left, I was wearing a dress at work and fell and skinned my knees going into the main office. So, here I am 35 yrs old and have huge gobby scabs on my knees. This woman keeps staring at me, then my knees, then hubby, then starts back over. Hubby is 17 years older than me and has always had white/gray hair. So you can imagine what we looked like...lol. Long story short, I finally looked down at my knees, up at hubby and declared rather loudly "I told you, you were too rough last night!" She stopped staring...LOL. Oh, Dixie Stampede is kinda of cool, you get to eat with your hands, the kids will probably like it. I did, scabby knees and all...LOL

Posted by: Robbie at July 26, 2005 1:11 PM

(No spoilers in this comment. Just rants.)My daughter's friend is reading the book and peaked ahead (can you imagine?) and shared a major spoiler with my daughter even though my daughter told her not to. I was so furious that I seriously considered calling the other gal's mom and complaining. It's just not right. You wait for more than a year for the latest book, you buy it right away, and someone goes and spoils it for you.

Luckily, I had already read the book (and refused to share any details), so it didn't ruin my reading experience.

Is it any surprise that this same friend is the one who told my daughter there is no Santa Claus? Grrrr.

Posted by: Linda Sherwood at July 26, 2005 1:21 PM

*sigh* Gone are the days when you could simply grab a person up by their shirt front and say "Shut. Up." and they'd get your drift without feeling self-righteously authorized to sue. More's the pity.

Posted by: David at July 26, 2005 1:31 PM

I believe it's Boll Weevils, friend. Sounds blissful. Hope it's cooler than it is here in the Blue Ridge.

I told E-spouse that he could read HP first, so I could read gods! How generous am I?

Posted by: Edgy Mama at July 26, 2005 1:45 PM

In case anyone's interested in the most famous Boll Weevil in the world: http://www.auburn.edu/academic/classes/jrnl/4480001/bollweevil/

Posted by: Edgy Mama at July 26, 2005 1:47 PM

I am so jealous of you right now. LOL!

Posted by: Heather at July 26, 2005 3:05 PM

I think people who blab spoilers about either books or movies without asking if it's ok first (or giving a spoiler warning if it's online, so people can stop reading if they want to) should be sent off to their own continent or planet or something....like a leper colony, only for Spoilerites.

I hereby nomintate my hubby's younger brother to be mayor of Spoiler Island, since he seems to LIVE to blab things like "oh, wait till this next part where the guy jumps out of the closet with the knife! that was such a shock!" Gggrrrr....

Posted by: DebR at July 26, 2005 3:05 PM

What do you mean there is NO SANTA CLAUS?????? ARE YOU SERIOUS? I mean, your friend, or former friend, why would she just LIE to you like that??? WHY? WHY? WHY? Why would she target a nice guy like SANTA of all people? WHY? That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard! I wouldn't stay friends with her if I were you, and I'd seriously rethink carpooling as well. I'm so mad about this Santa lie that I can't even remember what I was originally writing Joshilyn about! Buy your friend some Mungo Bob tickets...

Posted by: Diana at July 26, 2005 3:13 PM

Edgy Mama, it IS "Boll Weevils" but technically they're both right. A bowl weevil eats your cereal. A boll weevil chews off your foot during that Bob thingy.

Posted by: Diana at July 26, 2005 3:17 PM

OK, now that I realize that Santa thing was all a big fat lie made up by Linda's friend, I remember that I wanted to ask Joshilyn if she ate that Ghirardelli 3oz Dark Chocolate Bar I brought her, and whether she agrees with me that it was only half a serving, not "2 servings" as they imply on that false, typo-laden, lying, so called nutritional chart on the back. Since I couldn't play my drum for you that day, the chocolate bar was the best I could do. Thanks again for letting me breathe the same air as you for 2 hours, and thank GOD for air conditioning. Enjoy your LAzzzzzzzy Dayzzzzz! You DESERVE IT...

P.S. There's no such thing as Harry Potter.

Posted by: Diana at July 26, 2005 3:35 PM

OK...Pretend the two "x's" below are boll weevils.


What's the difference between them?
(Wait for it, wait for it....)

The one on the left is the lesser of two weevils.

Posted by: Jan in Norman, OK at July 26, 2005 4:10 PM

That sounds like those little toys. You know, Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. And it's true. I swear. They wobble, but they won't fall down. I mean, like, you can throw them down, like fling them off a cliff or something, but they won't fall on their own. So I guess if weebles wobble, then weevils wovil? What I can't believe (besides that SANTA lie!) is that Joshilyn had the nerve to OPEN THIS CAN OF WEEVILS, just KNOWING we'd grab the bait, run with it, and discuss it until the sun goes down on that mountain of hers where we all wish we were, but instead we're stuck here inside this blog discussing BUGS. We've fallen and we can't get up.

Posted by: Diana at July 26, 2005 4:51 PM

Jan in Norman,

For the record I am so jealous that I didn't think of that one first.

...lesser of two weevils... Brilliant!

Posted by: Mr. Husband at July 26, 2005 7:51 PM

Lesser of two weevils is brilliant. Now I'm going to have to write about BOLL weevils on my blog!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at July 27, 2005 10:28 AM

Dixie Stampede is a hit (like Medieval Times....only North vs South), and you've got to go to Dollywood. And shopping at the outlets. Oh, and the Apple Barn (at Light #4, I think).

Man, this makes me want to go to Pigeon Forge (says the girl who can go any time she wants since she lives less than an hour away but who refuses to drive there because of the cruddy traffic).

Posted by: Jana Hanson at July 27, 2005 4:41 PM

Ok, at the risk of sounding like a total geek, they have a picture of the lesser of two weevils on Fark.com. I couldn't help but think of this posting:)

Posted by: Chris at July 28, 2005 10:32 AM

Yours is my favorite new blog. Dang, you're funny!

Posted by: Breakup Babe at July 28, 2005 4:48 PM