July 25, 2005


OKAY. I am in the mountains on vacation and I bet it's gorgeous, but as you may recall, I am dead inside. The SPLENDOR OF NATURE leaves me quite, quite cold. It all looks like EMPTY HABITATS to me. I LIKE habitats with little alive cheerful animals bouncing about in them, but the deer and the bears have yet to appear (except PARTS of the deer have been used to make FASCINATING antler lamps that are ALL OVER this cabin!!!!!) So for now, all there is to see is trees and I have pretty good-looking trees in my backyard. The majestic whatever of this pine here is much like the majestic whatever of the pine by my bedroom window.

BUT MAN AM I RELAXED AND HAPPY. I am having a hard time doing anything but lounging out on the deck in the warm sun, reading and having various family members come by and exhort me to unbury my nose and drink in some natural-beauty-of-the-earth. Later I plan to climb into the hot-tub (conviently located on the same deck) and soak and read and ignore what I am sure will be a spectacular sundown. Tomorrow I plan to be drowned in a terrible white water rafting accident because I will forget to tuck my feet up when I popped out of the boat. I am sure the rapids that drown me will be quite, quite lovely, and I am equaly sure I will have failed to notice their beauty even before the fact that they are ending my life makes me feel a little jaded toward them.

I don't want to leave the cabin very often because Pigeon Forge is down there. OH Lordy. It is CHOCK FULL of sunburned people who share my disinterest in the-natural-beauty-of-the-earth and wish to instead experience The-Natural-Beauty-of-the-AS-SEEN-ON-TELEVISION-STORE (where you can AS GOD IS MY WITNESS see and touch a FLOWBEE and sniff the placistene mystery-can that holds SPRAY ON HAIR and anything else you ever saw on TV and didn't order, or did order because you were drinking at it was 2 am and it seemed like a good idea at the time). But all the CARS pointing themselves at stores and shark museums and amusement parks and what-nots makes it a traffic nightmare and I like it here, on the deck, hot tub beside me, children gamboling friskily on the grass within eyeshot, Pinot Grigio chilling in the fridge for the very SECOND I can declare it to be lunchtime. Which---is now actually. NOON HAS COME!

More tomorrow, if I surive rafting.

Posted by joshilyn at July 25, 2005 12:15 PM

Sounds like a FABULOUS way to spend a vacation! Wish I was there with you, but I'm at a conference having the mother of all allergy attacks. Sigh.

Soak in the hot tub for me!

Posted by: Beth at July 25, 2005 1:01 PM

Ohh! If they have a Rotato, buy one - best thing for peeling apples for pies and potatos for potato...things.

Enjoy your relaxing. I hope you don't die in the lovely white water.

Posted by: Em at July 25, 2005 1:32 PM

I am also dead inside. I was once alive inside but then at the age of 13 my father force marched me around a mountain for SEVEN DAYS without a shower or make-up and whatever was alive inside was killed dead.

Posted by: Heather McCutcheon at July 25, 2005 1:40 PM

What Heather said.

Posted by: Jilly at July 25, 2005 1:54 PM

Smart of you to stay away from Pigeon Forge, otherwise known as the Neon capital of the Smokies.

Have fun rafting. At least it will be cool in the water.

Posted by: Edgy Mama at July 25, 2005 1:59 PM

But... have you seen my three-handled, family pudenda? I believe it was wrapped up in the cover of your book. *ducking*

Posted by: Mir at July 25, 2005 3:08 PM

Believe or not, I have seen the FLOWBEE in action! Someone in my office actually owns one, so they brought it in and we did a demo as a fundraiser. We got two brave volunteers, and charged a dollar admission. I swear a good 2 dozen folks showed up. It was a hoot.

Posted by: Bonnie at July 25, 2005 5:27 PM

*sputter* But...but....isn't Pigeon Forge the location of DOLLYWOOD?!?!? Closest I got was Gatlinburg TN where they sold Dollypops - bust and head of Dolly Parton on a stick, I kid you not.

Posted by: Dara at July 25, 2005 6:21 PM

Vacations are all about relaxation. Sometimes it is most especially NOT about the scenery, but what you can choose to do or not do while you're there. Enjoy your Calgon-like pleasures, writer-ess, with or without the pine trees!

Posted by: David at July 25, 2005 6:51 PM

I almost went to Pigeon Forge once. Notice the key word: almost. Enjoy your rafting and your soaking and your drinking. That part sounds like heaven!

If I was in the As-Seen-on-TV store, I would spring for the set of tupperware that's not actually tupperware that fits neatly on its own lazy susan. *sigh*

Posted by: Andi at July 25, 2005 7:20 PM

A word of advice: Beware the Bailing Bucket when rafting! It may look innocent and potentially helpful, BUT DON'T BE FOOLED! One broken shin and everlasting big wave phobia later, I can say that bailing buckets are pernicious in every way. I recommend you slip it quietly overboard while everyone else is admiring the scenery and rescue yourself and your loved ones from its terrible wrath!

Posted by: Yvonne at July 25, 2005 8:17 PM

Ooohhhh....I love hot tubs, and books, and Pinot Grigio, and rafting, and even pine trees.

Pigeon Forge? Not so much. But that Rotato thing sounds interesting....

Posted by: DebR at July 25, 2005 11:24 PM

Okay, what am I missing (not Pigeon Forge - or Dollywood, obviously, though my husband wants a dozen of those Dollypops please) you said Tennessee? Land lock. SHARK MUSEUM?

I live smack dab in the middle of the Oregon Coast, we don't even have a SHARK MUSEUM! Pass the Pinot please, I need to get over this.

Oh, enjoy the rafting, ah I loved rafting in my unplumper days. I also loved bicycle riding, exercise, and parasailing....ah the umplumper days, when I still smoked.

Posted by: Cele at July 26, 2005 12:31 PM

OOOOH, I LOVE the "As Seen On TV" Store! And Andi, I GOT the tupperware-that's-not-tupperware-on-a-lazy-susan thing and it's GREAT!

Jos, I'm on vacation, too - so I've got computer access! Yippee! Hope you are having a great time. Enjoy the hot tub and wine for me. But rafting? Um, yeah. I think you're on your own, there. Can't wait to hear about it, though!

Posted by: Amy at July 27, 2005 9:53 PM