July 22, 2005

Two Notes/Two Conversations

NOTE 1: I am on the road, so if you e-mailed me in the last week or plan to e-mail me in the next few days, you may not hear back for a goodly chunk of time.

Note 2: I have HELL DAY on Saturday -- oil up your pity glands and excrete some genuine sorrow on my sad, sad, sad behalf. I have to get up at about oh-dark-thirty and drive 5 hours to Dothan to do a signing that I booked when my family vacation was in DESTIN. Then Hurricane Dennis removed the house we had rented from the earth only 2 weeks before we were set to leave, so my dad called the travel agent and he found us a desperation lake house we can have with a pontoon boat and all manner of fun-ness...BUT IT IS IN THE SMOKEY MOUNTAINS. Heh. So instead of leaving the signing and driving 90 minutes to the beach house, I leave the signing, go BACK the way I came, and drive for ANOTHER 9.5 hours. I am SO unamused. The good news is, the desperation lake house has internet, so I will be blogging from vacation. The BAD news is...IT IS DIAL UP. UGH! I might as well gnaw raw meat and give up opposable thumbs.(I am a technology snob, and completely SPOILED by cable.)

Conversation 1:

I cannot believe how many of you filthy minded people have sent e-mails to ask me to tell you SPECIFICALLY what A-Very-Bad-Word-Indeed I used on the phone with my editor. AND THEN my sainted mother asked me what word it was last night. Lordy. But my 13 year old nephew sometimes reads this blog, so I ain't saying. It is bad role modeling to even admit I said it, much less break it DOWN.

Tell you what, I will paraphrase the conversation and you can figure out from context what word it was, how is that for a compromise? And dearest nephew, please note the word CRAP fits in there with grammatically correct perfection. Thank you.

Editor: But can you elocute?
Me: I can elocute the A-Very-Bad-Word-Indeed out of anything running.
Editor: You are completely off the chain. Did you just say you could elocute the A-Very-Bad-Word-Indeed out of anything running?
Me: I don't know. I wasn't listening.

That's pretty close, but I can tell it is a paraphase becausemy editor did NOT say elocute because elocute is not technically a word. But it started with an E. Also, my editor lives in the north-east and she would never say "Off the chain." I don't know what they say for off the chain up there. I do know this: Down here if you are in the market and you pass someone who has irked you and you go by them without seeming to realize that you know them or even that they exist, that's called "cutting dead." As in "I cut Frieda dead in the market today." My editor hadn't heard that one. Up there, if you have successfully cut someone dead you say, "I beat her to the ignore." Which cracks me up -- I added it to my lexicon.

conversation 2:

Maisy climbed in the bed with me yesterday morning and snuggled up close for a talk.

Maisy: Mommy, I love you.
Me: I love YOU.
Maisy: I think you are GWEAT.
Me: I think YOU are great.
Masiy: Mommy, you are so beautiful.
Me: Maisy, YOU are so beautiful.

Then she rolled away from me onto her back, kicked her legs joyously up into the air and then let them fall back down akimbo and yelled, "OH MY GOODNESS, MOMMY! WE ARE SO BEAUTIFUL!"

And we were.

Posted by joshilyn at July 22, 2005 11:44 AM

Don't you just love knowing your kids have a healthy self-image? :) It cracks me up when my daughter says things like that.

Posted by: Jensgalore at July 22, 2005 12:09 PM

Odious Woman turned me on to your blog and your book! I love the blog and can't wait to read the book.

Posted by: Breakup Babe at July 22, 2005 12:31 PM

I was leaving the grocery store this morning. One that is located in Tuscaloosa, and on the bench in the front there was a woman. She was reading a book.....YOURS!!!!!!!! gods in Alabama....

Iasked her if she was enjoying it and she said she had just started it and was really getting into it. I then told her about your website. So, see I am helping make your website worth the while! Have fun in the mountains, I am so jealous....the heat index at the moment in the middle of nowhere outside of Tuscaloosa is now 104....I may wilt....wait I did that this morning.

And for Maisy, you are right, both of you are beautiful!

Posted by: Robbie at July 22, 2005 2:37 PM

Isn't that Maisy just precious! And smart too!

Posted by: Peek at July 22, 2005 5:25 PM

And you are! the both of you! :)

Posted by: lizardek at July 22, 2005 5:54 PM

I have been trying to work "good on ya" into my daily conversations since we met. You have way better expressions down south, you know.

Also, I would like to come have a slumber party with you and Maisy.

Posted by: Mir at July 22, 2005 10:21 PM

It is not one world we live in...to paraphrase a man whose politics drive me dirty words crazy

Ya'll in the south have interesting and quite often colourful vocabularies. And I usually understand what you say despite the fact I've never been to a Shonies, will not live in a state that has tornadoes, and well of course there is that unreasonable fear of snakes thingy going on.

Cut dead = shined on, okay no prob - I liked beat her to the ignor. But what on God's Green Earth is "Off the Chain?"

I an accused of having a large vocabulary and flaunting it, but I am always learning something new from you. Beginning with Thews and Posit, although I've not discovered how to inject them into my daily conversation.

Maisy is too precious

Posted by: Cele at July 23, 2005 11:04 AM

Having used very bad words on occasion myself, a throwback to my less than stellar teen years, I empathise with you completely. I think your Maisy is wonderful and right on. I hope you comforted yourself with thoughts of her on your drive to your book signing (since it's already Saturday) and that it goes very well. All copies of your book (minus the large print one) are currently in use at our local library...one of them being the copy I donated.

Posted by: Karin at July 23, 2005 11:45 AM

Loved the Maisy moment...she sounds a lot like my 5 y.o. daughter. One morning we were lying in bed and Emma leaned over and said, "Mommy, your eyes are like beautiful blue jewels in your precious face." I said, "Why thank you darling, that's sweet." She looked at me with a long, expectant pause and then said, "And MINE, of course...?" Quickly I realized what was required and assured her that her eyes were ALSO like beautiful blue jewels in her precious face!

Posted by: TrudyJ at July 24, 2005 10:45 AM

Can I just tell you that you amuse me to NO END? I've had your book on my list of things to read for sometime now. However, it is a LONG b/c, of course, there's an infinite number of things I want to read. Each time I read your blog, I want to just push your book to top of my reading list.

I've never heard "off the chain" and I'm a Southerner too. But I LOVE it. That's a great expression.

Posted by: Alicia at July 24, 2005 11:50 AM