July 6, 2005

The True and Unholy Story of the Black M&M

M&M made DARK SIDE OF THE FORCE dark chocolate M&Ms for a little while. Which is just cruel because to me they were a poem, they were a song, they were a swan in flight, but in my mouth. And they were "Limited Edition Movie Promo" which means, you know, they are gone now. Gone like Alderaan. Gone like Anakin's goodness. Gone like my childhood ability to watch episode 6 and not want to commit violence against Ewoks. GONE!

The first time I went into my local drugstore and saw they had sold out, I crumpled my eyebrows and thrust them heavenward JUST like Natalie Portman and cried out, "M and M! You are breaking my heart!" GONE, DO YOU HEAR ME, GONE.

Then the other day, I realized I had ALMOST no gas, so I stopped at a gas station far far away----one I do not normally frequent. LO, when I went in to pay and snag a diet cherry coke-----THEY HAD THREE LITTLE BAGS OF DARK CHOCOLATE M&M's SITTING BY THE REGISTER! I snatched them up, cackling, and took them to Mr. and Mrs. Smith. ONE I gave to my friend Pam (that's just the kind of girl I am *glows with holy light*). One I ate in a rictus of ecstasy. And ONE was purportedly for my friend Pam's husband, Thomas. But Thomas FOREVER endeared himself to me by NOT LIKING DARK CHOCOLATE, so they remained in my loving if carnivorous custody.

The next day, I waited until my children were asleep (because they are M&M HOOVERS) and then I lay on the sofa and ate dark M&Ms and read a book that is SO amazingly good the words TOUR DE FORCE come to mind. (And by Tour de Force I mean the helps-destroy-the-Deathstar-and-battery-that-Yoda-Powers-Is kind of force, not the Darth-Respirator-No-More-Dark-M&Ms-Destroys-Planets force) If you want to read it, and you do, it's called URSULA, UNDER It was excruciatingly pleasurable, slowly melting perfect chocolate in my mouth while reading perfectly crafted sentences. Just the memory...*choke*...I may need to be alone for a minute.

ANYWAY. It was my true and good intention to save a couple of M&Ms for Scott to eat as he NEVER ONCE GOT TO TASTE THEM. But we all know what the road to hell is paved with, right? In short, I ate them all. Oops. It was an accident. I reached into the bag and POOF, there were no more there.

SO the next day I am feeling still bad about this and Maisy runs up to me holding an M&M and she says, "MOMMY! LOOK! A CANDY! I FINDED A CANDY ON THE FLOOR!" I couldn't believe it! One had escaped me!

Now normally, I subscribe to the 8 second rule. If it is on the floor for less than 8 seconds, then you can eat it. This M&M had been on the floor for more than 8 HOURS. I virtuously said to Maisy, "We don't eat things we find on the floor, princess." She handed it over. I WAS carrying it to the trash, I SWEAR I WAS, but then I thought about how they don't MAKE them anymore, and about how this might be Scott's VERY LAST CHANCE to try the darkside M&M. SO. I set it on top of the sugar canister on the kitchen counter and decided to decide later.

The M&M sat there ALL DAY, and then Scott came home from work and we were in the kitchen and he saw it.

Him: Why is there an M&M on the sugar canister?
Me: OH! I forgot about that -- you need to eat it.
Him: Why do I need to eat it.
Me: Don't question! Just eat it, you really NEED TO. *Picks up the M&M and tries to insert it into his mouth*
Him: *Lip-clamping and head-twisting like a cat being pilled*
Me: NO, NO! Really, you HAVE to try it.
Him: *suspiciously* Why?
Me: JUST TRY IT!
Him: I am not eating that until I know where it came from and why I have to eat that M&M particularly.
Me: OH GOOD GRIEF, just eat it. Look, here, I will eat HALF. *Bites off half the candy and then puts the rest in his mouth* Now PAY ATTENTION. It's just half an M&M so really, you know, SUCK IT earnestly and try to really TASTE it---you need to EXPERIENCE THE FLAVOR.

So we stand in the kitchen earnestly sucking and flavor experiencing...and....

Him: It's...it tastes just like...an M&M.

AND IT DID! HE WAS RIGHT!
IT WAS NOT ONE OF THE DARK ONES I HAD EATEN ONLY A DAY AGO, PLUCKED FROM THE FRESHLY VACUUMED CARPET! IT WAS SOME REGULAR M&M FROM GOD ONLY KNOWS WHEN THAT MAISY HAD EXCAVATED ON AN ARCHEOLOGICAL UNDER-THE-SOFA DIG, LYING NO DOUBT UNDER A DRIFT OF FILTH AND BUG HAIR AND THE BONES OF LONG DEAD MICE. GAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! GAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! THIS IS WHY GOD MADE THE 8 SECOND RULE!!!! *shudders*

So, basically, Scott and I are waiting to develop bubonic anthrax and die.
*Salute* I'll miss you.

Posted by joshilyn at July 6, 2005 8:30 AM
Comments

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....Death by M & M!!!!!! I think I just busted a gut!!

Posted by: Angela at July 6, 2005 9:01 AM

Ditto.

Posted by: David at July 6, 2005 10:38 AM

Ohmigosh too much, you're ruining my eyeliner.

Hey *IT'S ONLY EIGHT SECONDS? I THOUGHT IT WAS TEN!* now I have to take restock of my morals, what if they are all wrong and it really is okay to do all those things my mom said I CAN'T DO

Posted by: Cele at July 6, 2005 11:19 AM

Joshilyn....you're starting to twitch...right there, on the left side of your mouth...

Posted by: Jilly at July 6, 2005 11:27 AM

Did you get to try the Dark Chocolate Kit Kats for the short time they were on drugstore shelves? I bought a case (don't tell my husband, okay--he doesn't understand how I'm able to spend half of our monthly paycheck at Eckerd's).

Posted by: Edgy Mama at July 6, 2005 11:35 AM

Hilarious!

Posted by: katie at July 6, 2005 12:24 PM

I'm going broke clicking to Amazon when I read your site! However, I am thankful for your introductions to so many great writers - many of which I would have missed while staring in a glazed fashion at the miles of book spines at Barnes and Noble. Oh, have you ever found an fuzzy M&M in the bottom of your purse and popped it right in your mouth, knowing you would have snatched it right out of your child's hand and lectured her mercilessly had SHE produced it with the intent of consumption?

Posted by: Rebekah at July 6, 2005 1:10 PM

I was assured by a Target checker that the M&M rep told him that if the Darth M&Ms sold well, they were considering making a dark chocolate version part of the regular M&M lineup. Considering that they had to put the Jedi milk chocolate version on clearance, while the Darth M&Ms were snatched up in a heartbeat, I think the chances are pretty good.

I still have one bag that I'm hoarding. I also find the regular M&Ms unsatisfying now. I need my dark chocolate fix!!!!

Posted by: Shanna Swendson at July 6, 2005 3:46 PM

HILARIOUS! Gotta love Scott for questioning why he had to have THAT M&M.

Oh, and thanks for the *8* second rule. We always had a *5* second rule here. I just gained 3 whole seconds to snarf food off of the floor! Oh yeah!

Posted by: Jenn at July 6, 2005 5:46 PM

oh man... that is so disgusting! HAHA Poor Scott!

Posted by: Mary Jo at July 6, 2005 7:20 PM

Oh, would that Miss Maisy could have walked in while you were force-feeding Scott that half an M&M. It could've been classic.
"What are you eating, Mommy?"
"Muffing, fweetie." *chokes trying to swallow quickly, hiccups to ensue*

Posted by: David at July 6, 2005 9:39 PM

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA OMG as a fan of the Darkside M&M's this is so freakin' hysterical! (Doesn't hurt that I'm on vicodin right now either ::wink::)

And I can only hope they do add these to the regular M&M lineup--I have one lonely little package left.....

Posted by: Angel at July 6, 2005 10:03 PM

Ack! I am half way through 'Enchanted, Inc.' and here's another book recommendation... and it looks goooood!

My bookshelf shelves are buckling... I shall not give in.

Yes, I shall, actually and my boyfriend will think I'm a nutter again.

Posted by: Heather McCutcheon at July 7, 2005 8:35 AM

Ahahahahahaha... can't... breathe....

Posted by: Mir at July 7, 2005 11:25 AM

Bwahahahahahahahahaha!!! You are too much. I am choking over here.

Speaking of perfectly crafted sentences... Have you read My Sister's Keeper by Jodi Picoult?

Posted by: Heather at July 7, 2005 12:44 PM

What I would've given for one dark M&M. (*sigh*) My husband and I have been on a mission to find a pack for me and we haven't seen 'em yet. (And we live in a so-called major metro. area. WHATever.)

Posted by: Darcie at July 7, 2005 9:17 PM

Never fear: Dark Chocolate M&M's are for sale on EBay.
Like here:
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=874&item=7167211658&rd=1

eew. i hope that link works better than it looks.

Posted by: Tyreese at July 8, 2005 7:20 PM

Steve Almond (teaches writing at Boston College) wrote a book called Candy Freak. He buys limited edition candy (by the case)and I think I remember on-line. EBay?

Posted by: Nancy at July 8, 2005 8:20 PM