July 4, 2005

How to go see Mr. and Mrs. Smith

Snatch up your little children and thrust them at your husband and holler, "PLEASE GET THESE THINGS OUT OF MY HOUSE. THEY TALK A LOT! I NEED TO WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORK."

It's more compelling if you can foam a little bit. Also gibbering adds that little touch of violent hysteria that makes him run for the suitcases.

ONCE the van full people with MOUTHS THAT TALK (Scott is not included in this number. Scott was indeed in the van, but no one has ever accused his mouth of talking. In fact, sometimes getting his mouth to talk requires both wheedling and an act of Congress, and have I ever mentioned that I LOVE THAT MAN????) has backed out of the driveway and you are left with only your own mouth (blessedly silent at the moment) and the one on the cat (which is currently being used in an extensive grooming project and is therefore ALSO blessedly silent and as a bonus it contains a feline-ly shaped soft palate that guarantees it will never physically be able to form the words, "But there is only one Bounce Banana yogurt drink left and LAST TIME she got it and why can't she have the vanilla one, she likes the vanilla a lot, LOOK MAISY! LOOK! WANT THE VANILLA? YUM! YOU LIKE IT!" or even "WAAAAAAAAIL I WANT THE BOUNCE BANA YO-GUT!") you can WORK. Workworkwork. Thrust your massive to do list AWAY and think about what you WANT to work on, and it is writing. So.

Spend two days on lines edits and on re-revising the third and fourth and fifth chapters of your new book, and be very very busy and important and unstoppable. Pretend you are not home and don't even answer the phone unless caller ID says it is your husband calling with the mandatory "LO, I have kept your children alive for another 6 hours, you are welcome!" update. Throw some salad and a piece of a chicken in your maw at one point, and call it MEAL, because you aren't sure what time of day it is. Sleep at some point. Get up. Workworkwork.

Wordkworkworkworkworkworkwork. Become lonely and put a tv on in another room, so you can HEAR yacketty talk noises but not make out the words, and work, and work, until at one point, your brain will implode in your head, leaving you a grinning puppet of your former self, and you will say to yourself, SELF! You will say. YOU NEED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. Because you now realize you have not left the house in DAYS. You haven't even stepped out onto the PORCH to blink up at the sun. In fact, you now suspect your eyes are growing over into those creepy KNOBS you always see sticking out of the faces of blind cave fish.

Go to Johnny's pizza with friends. Order the four cheese, but since one of the friends has a Y chromosome, you'll need to ask them to toss a bunch of meat on one side of the pizza. Before the pizza comes, ask for a beer and drink most of it. This is important, because your stomach is very very empty, and you need to get a nice BEER pad down before you put all that alcohol absorbing crust in there. Once you have laid down the beer pad, you may eat exactly ONE slice of pizza, which is enough to make you comfortably full, but not so much that it will interfere with the beer pad. Especially if you eat the slice WITH another beer.

If you have followed all these steps, you will be exactly perfectly ready to see Mr. and Mrs. Smith, which is quiote possibly the STUPIDEST movie ever made....ever. It has plot holes SO BIG that WHOLE TRIBES of dinosaurs could march through the holes while STANDING ON EACH OTHER'S SHOULDERS, no, while making GIANT CHEERLEADER-STYLE DINOSAUR PYRAMIDS and the littlest dinosaur on top wouldn't even need to DUCK.

But if you have followed my instructions, that won't matter.

Because it is funny. Because the humor is SMART even if the plot is not. Because it is spicy-saucy-hot without being PORNY. Because it has the ONLY love scene in the universe to EVER equal the extreme perfect hotness of Buffy-and-Spike-Tear-Up-The-Condemned-House. In fact it is a LOT like that, but with more explosives. Because it is beautifully filmed. And because the stars are so physically attractive that it is almost RESTFUL to put your eyes on them --- there isn't anything wrong with either of them, ever. No matter how you fold them, they go into pleasing shapes. (Angelina Jolie, by the way, is SO beautiful that I think she suspends the laws of physics and forces light to bend differently around her so that on top of the perfect body and the glossy hair and the cheekbones and the mouth and the huge eyes, she also seems to be incandescent. She's so beautiful that I can't even hate her, not even a LITTLE bit, because she's too far out of the average woman's league to be even remotely threatening.) The film is just plain mindless fun.

Two thumbs up, with two beers first.

Posted by joshilyn at July 4, 2005 8:34 AM

Ok, I didn't think I wanted to see Mr & Mrs Smith, but since the words "Buffy-and-Spike-Tear-Up-The-Condemned-House" make me need to fan myself at the very thought I will now have to see it for that scene alone.

I hate beer, but tequila should work, right?

Posted by: DebR at July 4, 2005 9:03 AM

I will dream of dinosaur pyramids tonight.

Posted by: Mir at July 4, 2005 10:20 AM

Any movie review that gets a "two beers up" is worth seeing. By the way, I don't have to do that whole "workworkworkwork" thing first, do I? Just the beer and pizza first, right?

Posted by: Jenn at July 4, 2005 12:19 PM

Now I *know* you're an awesome author, because you're a Buffy fan ;)

I was supposed to see that movie this weekend, but decided to fall and spend the weekend with icepacks on my knees instead. Good times LOL.

Posted by: Angel at July 4, 2005 12:54 PM

Well I will certainly now rent Mr & Mrs when it comes out on dvd, it was questionable before.

I will forgo the beer (don't die of shock - I'm allergic) but I will have the pizza and a bucket of margaritas first. I will then be upset because I will find no dinosaur pyramids in the flick, just incredibly large plot holes that will drive me insane.

I of course will find myself justified when the Duck (aka hubby) notices and comments on the holes himself. (he on the other hand gets annoyed because I can't just enjoy a movie for it being a movie - what the....?)

Oh wait, Angelina's in this flick he'll never see the holes.

Posted by: Cele at July 4, 2005 2:10 PM

Ha! You're really just trying to distract us from that last Bounce Banana yogurt drink, aren't you? Nice try, Joshilyn. Back to work!;-)

Posted by: David at July 4, 2005 3:24 PM

I like a woman who evinces such nuanced command of successful pizza/beer alchemy.

And can we get those Koreans cracking, already, on the enclonement of Mr. Husband?

Posted by: Cornelia Read at July 4, 2005 3:27 PM

Seen it and quite agree with you... but nothing can top Buffy & Spike... everything else is pedestrian in comparison!

Posted by: Jenny Michael at July 4, 2005 9:57 PM

*Looks in vain for Buffy and Spike on DVD at Blockbuster* *pouts ferociously*

Posted by: hiai at July 6, 2005 12:06 AM

ROFLMAO! I knew you were a kindred spirit! I just about wore out my DVD with the Buffy-and-Spike-finally-have-sex scene!! I was resisting Mr. and Mrs. Smith but now I think I shall have to see it although without the benefit of alcoholic enhancement as I am clean and sober 14 years!

Posted by: Rachel Kitterman at July 6, 2005 11:50 PM