June 18, 2005

What Comes Before "Boom, Bang?"

That would be crash. As in I stupid crashed my stupid van stupid. DERNIT. I have these LONG LONG keys --- the keys are all in bunches hanging on a kilt pin, and now that it is SUMMER I am in shorts and the long keys swing and dandle and every now again they BRUSH my thigh in this revolting manner and it was driving me NUTZZZZZZZZZ so I got to a traffic light and I stopped and I was struggling to get the kilt pin open to take the NON-ignition key-bundles OFF so that they would stop TOUCHING ME and somehow while I was doing that my foot came off the brake, or it went on the gas or SOMETHING. I have no idea. Let's just say, my foot did A BAD THING and my van began GOING again and whanged into a truck in front of me.

And SPEAKING of stupid, I think the woman I rammed into thought I was mentally defective. I was in SUCH SHOCK. I made sure my kids were fine, and then I leapt out and she got out too.

Woman I Hit: Yeah. It was just a bump.
Me: Because I just crashed into the back of your truck?!?!
WIH: Yeah I know. I was sitting in it.
WIH: Yeah...and look my car has no damage.
Me: I just hit you! WITH MY CAR! HOLY CATS!
WIH: I do not see any damage to MY car at all, in fact. But look, your bumper got pushed down and your hood is buckled.
WIH: Yes well, you hit me from behind so I didn't see it, no. *edges away from me*
Me: Should I call my husband? Or State Farm? SHOULD I CALL THE POLICE??? I HIT YOUR TRUCK! ARE YOU OKAY????
WIH: Yes, I am okay, and my truck looks to be okay, so um, you call whoever you want.
Me: I can call my husband! Want me to call my husband??? Or State Farm? I AM SO SORRY! ARE YOU OKAY?

She leapt in her truck and fled with me calling SORRY! SORRY! ARE YOU OKAY??? after her. I looked at my poor buckled hood and and took three deep breaths and got myself together and climbed back in the van. Maisy was nervous and Sam was righteously idignant.

Sam: Mom. You crashed Vincent. (The van's name is Vincent Van-Go. BLAME SCOTT! He cannot, God love him, resist a pun)
Me: I am aware.
Maisy: I don't LIKE that bump, Mommy.
Sam: Was that my very first crash? Ever? or did you crash me into anything when I was a baby and I don't remember.
Me: No, I did not CRASH YOU as an infant.
Maisy: Don't make that bump no more.
Sam: Mom, we could have been completely killed.
Me: Oh, for the love of Pete, Sam, we were going 6 miles an hour.
Sam: Maybe you should try to drive a bit more carefully, Mom.

Then I turned around and snatched him out of his seat and ate him in two bites. Is there anything more delicious than a sanctimonious 8 year old? Piquant yet sly, with a smooth oaky finish. AHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Posted by joshilyn at June 18, 2005 9:18 AM

Oh sweetie, it's just a THING, and THINGS can be fixed. I'm sorry you had the worry and the hassle, but I'm glad everyone is okay.

I once did a very similar thing (was at a stoplight, somehow just spaced and rammed the guy ahead of me) in my ex's car, and he (ex) threw a MAJOR HISSY when I returned, and then a few months later he totalled the car entirely. Happy ending!

Um, yeah, I dunno what relevance that had. I have to go take some more drugs now.

Posted by: Mir at June 18, 2005 10:47 AM


I would tell you "I feel your pain" about right now (because people always seem annoyed when I say, "I'm sorry that happened to you.") But, I can't because I am flumoxed, oh and laughing too hard.

You are just like my ex-mother in law (the one I would have kept after the divorce, except ex-number 2 wanted her back and he doesn't share well.) She is just like you and can turn an incident into a funny story with ease giving everyone fits of giggles and tears.

I hope you didn't leave any teeth marks and remembered to spit out the splinters.
Van-go too funny.

Posted by: Cele at June 18, 2005 12:05 PM

Oh but look at the GOOD side of this!! Now we have someone else we can gossip about and descend to a new level of hell!! Doesn't anyone ELSE find it odd that the woman in the truck wanted to leave the scene of the accident without getting insurance info, etc?? (putting aside the fact she wished to escape an insane person) Well, the reason I heard that she left in SUCH a hurry was that she is a married woman who was having a sizzling affair. She had JUST left her lover (who is not her husband) at the Notell Motel and she wasn't supposed to be anywhere NEAR where the accident took place. Plus, I heard her husband is mean to their dog.

Joshilyn - thanks again for providing the fodder for my gossip habit....and all it cost was some sheet metal and paint!!! Not to be greedy or anything, but is there any chance you could go out and do this again tomorrow....or later on in the week??

Posted by: Ron at June 18, 2005 1:23 PM

Were you wearing you Lucky Kudzu earrings? Apparently not. Let this be a lesson to you.

Posted by: Jilly at June 18, 2005 1:25 PM

How many times can one post make me laugh out loud, for pete's sake? If it's this one...MANY! hahahaha!

Posted by: lizardek at June 18, 2005 3:46 PM

OK, but see, you're only looking at the surface funny of Van-gogh. It gets better. It's got these side view mirrors on either side that fold in if you push on them. If you collapse one of them it looks like he's only got one ear.

I really shouldn't be that amused. I should seek counseling.

Posted by: Mr. Husband at June 18, 2005 4:09 PM

Are you sure we couldn't talk you into writing a one-off Fantasy Spec Fic story ala Hansel and Grettle? Piquant yet sly... ROFLMAO

Oh, and we gotta have a picture of the real culprit here: The Flirting Kilt Pin and its shameless dandling keys.

Posted by: David at June 18, 2005 4:19 PM


I know that tickly, keys rubbing on the thigh feeling. It's just so creepy!! And distracting!!

Fortunately, in trying to fix it, no persons were injured.. no innocent property was damaged... and vincent is fixable (though I bet it costs you about $3000). Luck was sitting on your shoulder.

That 8 year old is charming... and a pistol. Glad you ate him up. Next time, try the child with a little wasabi.

Posted by: Debra at June 18, 2005 5:13 PM

I laughed so hard I spit Pepsi all over the screen. Thanks. Now I'm going to have to get up to get the paper towels. LOL

Posted by: Dorothy at June 18, 2005 10:08 PM

My reaction:
Oh, that SUCKS!
*reads Mr. Husband's post*
Now I am going to hell for laughing at your misfortune. But smooth oaky finish! I may never recover!

Posted by: Amy at June 18, 2005 11:18 PM

OH!! I can't believe I forgot! I was at the pool today and stopped to chat with a lady and peeking out of her bag was *dances about* gods in Alabama! And I stopped mid-sentence and BRAGGED SHAMELESSLY that I know you and will in fact be visiting you soon! And she was suitably impressed! AND she said she was completely hooked from the first sentence! Now, what's a little van-mishap compared to THAT? (Ok, I know, it still sucks. But still.)

Posted by: Amy at June 18, 2005 11:30 PM

I really wonder about people like yourself, didn't your parents have anything better to do!?

I mean look....involved in a dangerous and sudden stop in your van....

And then devouring small children is just two bites.

This is such as bad example to all the other folks out there....as the level of indigestion you could have acquired from "rushing" teh devouring of a child, after such a shock, could have been terrible.

Remember to chew your children at least ten times before shallowing, and consume them in small bites.

I mean, really, what is the world coming to!!

Posted by: Dyvan at June 20, 2005 3:04 AM

Hmm, I think a little light torture would have increased the piquancy of said offspring prior to the devouring incident.

Sorry about the van, but at least you're all ok.

Posted by: Kitty at June 20, 2005 5:23 AM