Pam McNew has some poems in an upcoming anthology, and the editors-that-be asked her (as these people often do) for a short AUTHOR BIO. She wrote the usual, "Pam lives here, does this, wrote that, and now I shall close with a detail, Small and Personal." The end. I AM FOR THAT. I never like author bios that try to be all wacky-funky..."James Blade wears only purple in protest of injustice and lives entirely on seeds and punk music," or worse, mystical..."Joanna Everpoo spends her days dancing off moonbeams, word collecting, and heeding the siren call of her muse..." Yeah. Sure she does, and can someone please pass her a big glass candy jar full of lithium?
I always suspect people with bios like that are 19, and this is their first poem/story/piece published, and that they are going to want to DIE when they look at it again in ten years. Also, I am ANTI muse. I don't like writers to say that their MUSE is lost or that she is loud or demanding or that they cannot find her. I realize this will get me killed. I realize people LIKE to talk about their muse, and everyone does it, and they do not wish to be asked not to. It is a meaningless convention so in use that it's practically conversational shorthand---heck, EVERYONE gives muse updates, many people I GENUINELY ADORE and respect claim to have one, but I cannot resign myself to it. In fact, if I was a multi-bulti-twillionaire, I would pass out big fat checks to anyone who promised sincerely to STOP IT. I find talk about people's muses to be embarrassing, as if they are casually nattering on about their troubles with a hairy butt mole. If you HAVE one, okay, but why bring it up? Like that.
ANYWAY, Pam McNew wanted to write herself a DREAM BIO, you know, uncensored and, more importantly, UNTRUE. A writer friend, James Stevens Arce, picked it up and told me about it, and now I feel it is officially a MEME. So here is mine, and I breathlessly await yours:
Some people call author Joshilyn Jackson The Space Cowboy. This is probably because she has been to space, and also paradise, and also to the desert (on a horse with no name), and she has even been to me. In a former life, she was the Egyptian Sun God Ra, and that's why she holds her hands like that. She currently captures her prey by half pouncing and half lassoing them, and she can capture several prey items at one time. She feeds on one specimen while retaining the others in her quivering, lashing appendages. She thinks you look tasty.
Okay I stole some of that from a description of the common house centipede. But it is MY dream bio and I can have quivering, lashing appendages IF I WANT. Also I love how it says it HALF POUNCES and HALF LASSOS. How do you half pounce? How do you half lasso? Any creature that can do BOTH AT ONCE is something I want to be, even it does look like the fanged and gelid hairball of my cat's worst nightmares. ALSO IT IS VENOMOUS! LOOK at this thing:
But the description, what with all the half-lassoing, reminds me of that Oscar Wilde short, The Picture of Dorian Gray; Wilde can't keep up with what his characters are doing physically. He'll have a man who is standing in the garden with a cane in one hand and a hat in the other begin casually lighting cigarettes and fumbling with his pocket watch, apparently with his spare tentacles. I betcha Oscar Wilde's prose characters could half-pounce-half-lasso in their sleep.
I better go...the PRO-MUSE-RS have probably already launched their grecian draped assassins to send me to sleep with the fishes.
Or worse, with the common house centipedes. *shudder*