June 12, 2005

The Perfect Meme

Pam McNew has some poems in an upcoming anthology, and the editors-that-be asked her (as these people often do) for a short AUTHOR BIO. She wrote the usual, "Pam lives here, does this, wrote that, and now I shall close with a detail, Small and Personal." The end. I AM FOR THAT. I never like author bios that try to be all wacky-funky..."James Blade wears only purple in protest of injustice and lives entirely on seeds and punk music," or worse, mystical..."Joanna Everpoo spends her days dancing off moonbeams, word collecting, and heeding the siren call of her muse..." Yeah. Sure she does, and can someone please pass her a big glass candy jar full of lithium?

I always suspect people with bios like that are 19, and this is their first poem/story/piece published, and that they are going to want to DIE when they look at it again in ten years. Also, I am ANTI muse. I don't like writers to say that their MUSE is lost or that she is loud or demanding or that they cannot find her. I realize this will get me killed. I realize people LIKE to talk about their muse, and everyone does it, and they do not wish to be asked not to. It is a meaningless convention so in use that it's practically conversational shorthand---heck, EVERYONE gives muse updates, many people I GENUINELY ADORE and respect claim to have one, but I cannot resign myself to it. In fact, if I was a multi-bulti-twillionaire, I would pass out big fat checks to anyone who promised sincerely to STOP IT. I find talk about people's muses to be embarrassing, as if they are casually nattering on about their troubles with a hairy butt mole. If you HAVE one, okay, but why bring it up? Like that.

ANYWAY, Pam McNew wanted to write herself a DREAM BIO, you know, uncensored and, more importantly, UNTRUE. A writer friend, James Stevens Arce, picked it up and told me about it, and now I feel it is officially a MEME. So here is mine, and I breathlessly await yours:

Some people call author Joshilyn Jackson The Space Cowboy. This is probably because she has been to space, and also paradise, and also to the desert (on a horse with no name), and she has even been to me. In a former life, she was the Egyptian Sun God Ra, and that's why she holds her hands like that. She currently captures her prey by half pouncing and half lassoing them, and she can capture several prey items at one time. She feeds on one specimen while retaining the others in her quivering, lashing appendages. She thinks you look tasty.

Okay I stole some of that from a description of the common house centipede. But it is MY dream bio and I can have quivering, lashing appendages IF I WANT. Also I love how it says it HALF POUNCES and HALF LASSOS. How do you half pounce? How do you half lasso? Any creature that can do BOTH AT ONCE is something I want to be, even it does look like the fanged and gelid hairball of my cat's worst nightmares. ALSO IT IS VENOMOUS! LOOK at this thing:


But the description, what with all the half-lassoing, reminds me of that Oscar Wilde short, The Picture of Dorian Gray; Wilde can't keep up with what his characters are doing physically. He'll have a man who is standing in the garden with a cane in one hand and a hat in the other begin casually lighting cigarettes and fumbling with his pocket watch, apparently with his spare tentacles. I betcha Oscar Wilde's prose characters could half-pounce-half-lasso in their sleep.

I better go...the PRO-MUSE-RS have probably already launched their grecian draped assassins to send me to sleep with the fishes.
Or worse, with the common house centipedes. *shudder*

Posted by joshilyn at June 12, 2005 8:57 AM

Hilarious outlook on bios, Joshilyn, and darn if you're not right.

Posted by: Dorothy at June 12, 2005 10:13 AM

Pro-muse reply: Oh! Oh! Can I do one now? Can I, huh? Can I? *jumping up and down excitedly*
Anti-muse reply:
And just how does Ra hold his hands, huh? More descriptions please. Oh, and that centipede? I only counted thirty legs, bubba. Somebody got ripped off seventy legs worth. On the other hand, the lady (that's you) can write up a storm (as evidenced in the previous blog), so I guess she's entitled. Give 'em hell, Ra!

Posted by: David at June 12, 2005 11:36 AM

Marilyn's previous book, The Art of Doppelganging, was a bestseller at Lola's Beauty Nook. Before becoming a writer, she devoted her life to showing beauty queen contestants how to slather Vaseline on their teeth and gracefully hold bouquets of gladiolas. When not working at the feed store, Marilyn likes to practice the art of hand waving in front of her kitchen appliances. She strongly suggests you call first...just in case her meds haven't kicked in.

Posted by: Marilyn at June 12, 2005 12:08 PM

Ha Ha Ha (I've never brought myself to type LOL with any consistancy)the day mainstream 'tooners paint bubbles with LOL over Zitts head I will contemplate it.

My muse is so bad it caught a train with my Karma and left town.

I write poetry, most not so good, some moderately readable, and one or two maybe discovered after I'm dead. Therefore, I will reside the rest of my days on the Central Oregon coast in unknown poet heaven. And one place I know of where there are no heaps. Read me after I'm dead....please.
But sheesh, I ramble.

I would look at the back flap of gods Of Alabama to read your bio, but it is at work because a co-worker couldn't resist. Now I have to buy another copy, before I can re-read your bio. But I like your dream bio it draws pictures of a haloed Guinevere riding bareback on a Paleozoic fossil with lacey wings into the sunset with a satisfied smile on her face. Or wait maybe that is a centipede wiggling out of her mouth.

So how do you feel about black t-shirts, ants, and bottle rockets?

Posted by: Cele at June 12, 2005 12:29 PM

Ok, I'm game to play. I posted my "bio" at my blog, with a link back to both yours and Pam's:
Red Shoe Ramblings

The centipede pic is creeeeepy!

Posted by: DebR at June 12, 2005 1:27 PM

Hmmm...thought that would come through clickable...oh well. Addy is http://debrichardson.blogspot.com

Posted by: DebR at June 12, 2005 1:29 PM

LOL! I had a muse... when I was 15 and thought my poems were deep and dark and full of the pain of the world. That wa sback when I danced on moonbeams and spent my days weaving words and dreaming beautiful images into being. heh

Now, I write. ;) A lot actually. Will hit 40,000 words in the next few days and YA novels average 45-65,000 words, so the first step is almost done. WOOT! Anywho, no muse for me either. I have God and myself. *shrugs*

Posted by: Heather at June 12, 2005 9:55 PM

bio meme!

everything comes together at 2 a.m.: bio meme

ps - please, Ms. Jackson, don't lash me with your appendages.
pps - Ms. Richardson, can you spare a pair of shoes, please? I haven't any.

Posted by: monkey0 at June 12, 2005 10:41 PM

I'll be seeing that centipede in my nightmares!

Posted by: Josie at June 12, 2005 10:47 PM

*applauds loudly*

Posted by: PamM at June 12, 2005 10:58 PM

I'm cackling at work...disturbing everything in the library lucid enough to notice, and I'll shortly be writing my own "if I were a published author this would not be my bio" bio. Thanks for the giggle!

Posted by: Andi at June 13, 2005 7:18 PM

I'm late to the game, but couldn't resist, though I bow before Joss' tentacles...


Posted by: Caitlin at June 13, 2005 11:06 PM

YAY! I am Anti-Muse too! Or maybe that's just my way of saying that mine abandoned me as an infant or something.

Posted by: Heather McCutcheon at June 15, 2005 1:03 PM