June 3, 2005


First, a confession...This is a reconstruction of an actual conversation I had yesterday at a shameful 3 pm...

Kira: So how is your vow of VIRTUE going?
Me: Very well. Except I am drunk.


I pretty much STAYED mildly drunk yesterday. I had about 18 people coming over to my house for potluck supper, and I needed to make chicken and (whole wheat) pasta and etc, but I was incapacited by (I am trying to be delicate here) Lady-Type Abdominal Pain. And people, the motrin was not cutting it. SO. I had Scott make me the most virtuous cocktail I could think of (Absolute Citron with club soda, lime, and a splash of cranberry.) Which, one cocktail SHOULD NOT = hooty, come on! EVEN I AM USUALLY A MORE EXPENSIVE DATE THAN THAT! Except I was being SO virtuous because I knew I was going to eat ECLAIR CAKE LATER, so all I had eaten was a bowl of (high fiber, low sugar, whole grain) cereal early and then a big salad at about noon. I had no HELPFUL FOOD PAD to cut the alcohol. The vodka came roaring pure and undiluted directly into my blood stream, so that I still had the Lady-Type Abdominal pain, but I did. not. care. I was a very cheerful and obliging hostess, I am sure. ("I love you guys...you guys are, like, my best friends," etc etc)

I DO NOT COUNT the cocktails (yes, plural, as I administered them "as needed" from 3 pm on yesterday) against my VIRTUE-NESS, because they were CLEARLY medicinal. As for the rest, I did...okay. I mean, there was eclair cake, people. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? But I made people LEAVE with all the sugar they had brought into my house, and expect to be both more virtuous (and hopefully more sober) today.

AS FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE FALLEN OFF THE VIRTUE WAGON, I ask you again, SO WHAT? There is no START OVER. There is no FAIL. There is only, "shrug it off and do better today."

Meanwhile, here is all the news that is fit to print from Chez Mild Headache We Are Pretending Is Not a Hangover.

1) REMEMBER THE CRAPULANCE? It was squatting on my house at the end of last year. Well....It has LIFTED. Scott starts his NEW BEAUTIFUL DREAM JOB on Monday. HUZZAH! HUZZAH! The pink shoes were kinda in celebration of the offer letter coming, so really if I complete 20 days of virtue I should get a completely different reward pair. <---girl logic is a beautiful thing. And anyway, nothing says VIRTUE like lettuce-green slingbacks.

2) After only three days of Virtue (one of which I spent pretty much BOMBED as previously confessed, film at 11) My fresh-from-the-dryer favorite jeans slid on more easily and buttoned with no need to lie down on the bed and make savage-piglet-being-killed grunting noises. It's the water. 8 glasses of water a day will peel the water-bloat right off IMMEDIATELY, which is very satisfying and motivating.

3) The battle cry of NEWT'S FOREVER has prompted my children into giving The Little Pets individual names. The smallest newt is Maisy's, and she named it Daisy Flower. Sam's medium sized little pet is called Spotty Newt, and my newt, the biggest, is now known as Fig. (Think about it.) I think they are TOO SMALL to show up in pictures. FIG is maybe a half-inch?

4) I wish I had stayed mildly drunk TODAY as well. ALL I WANT FOR DINNER IN THE WHOLE WORLD IS TATER TOTS, and no one will let me have them.

Posted by joshilyn at June 3, 2005 6:32 PM

Well, Lady-Pain and Eclair Cake visiting you at the same time are quite formidable challenges, indeed. Back in the saddle again! And thank you for naming your newt Fig and not Gingrich.

Posted by: Dara at June 3, 2005 6:49 PM

Have you ever tried Orudis for Lady-Pain? Silly name, but it WORKS. It is getting very hard to find, so I wish everyone in the world would pester their stores into stocking it. If it ever gets discontinued, I will have to go find a nice bridge to go jump off....

Of course chocolate is good too. :)

Posted by: kate q at June 3, 2005 8:07 PM

1) If I wasn't being disgustingly virtuous, I would reallyREALLY want to know the details of what an eclair cake is like. But I am. So...damn.

2) Girl-logic rules. OBVIOUSLY the pink shoes are a combination "Yay Yahoo about Mr. Husband getting a new job" celebratory shoes and "time to get virtuous" motivational shoes. New and different shoes will be required at the end of the 20 days.

3 - 947) Day 3 was a Bad Day. Day 3 involved major cravings. But Day 4 has actually not been tooooo bad for me. (I'm almost afraid to say that. I'll jinx myself) When I was walking this evening, I was already past the worst, steepest part of the uphill climb before I remembered it was hard. (That means I'm supposed to walk longer now, doesn't it? Bugger.) Anyway...you said to say if we blogged it, so today I blogged my "here's why I'm doing this post" and I plan to post updates to keep myself honest.

948) Fig is the absolute perfect name for a newt. But Spotty and Daisy FLower are good too. :-)

Posted by: DebR at June 3, 2005 8:52 PM

My goal is to be a little drunk all the time. I am just in a better MOOD when I am tipsy. Win/win, right? I suck at it, though, because I am rarely even a little drunk. I have big plans but I have these *kids* to take care of and I keep having to DRIVE them places. I am many things but a drunk driver, I am not. So I am failing miserably at my goal to be a little drunk all day. This must be what they mean when they say alcoholism is hard!

Posted by: Em at June 3, 2005 8:55 PM

You are a loon! But my FAVORITE loon! :)

I am SO VIRTUOUS I am starting to scare myself. But, like you, I discovered today that my jeans fit better. HOOOOORAY! So for that, I can be virtuous.

Today was pizza day and I had SALAD and a BIG PILE OF BROCCOLI and--wait for it--JUST THE CHEESE off of ONE slice. I was powered by that little extra bit of wiggle room in the seat of my jeans!

But tonight? I really want a beer. Boohoo.

Posted by: Mir at June 3, 2005 10:36 PM

i agree with you on the bit about slipping a wee bit off the virtue wagon - so what!?! :)

and can i just say YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE to Scott (and also to the rest of youse!) i'm delighted and overjoyed to hear that he got the job. and OF COURSE you had to get the beautimous shoes!

the little pets sound loverly.

Posted by: kristen at June 4, 2005 1:03 AM

I am cheering all of you on... good luck through your days of Virtue. But I will hold off joining the campaign until the 20 days of non-virtue commence... that is next month right? ; )

I thoroughly enjoy when I find the time to come back here and read up! Newts Fowebahhh... Hoooway!!

Posted by: critter at June 4, 2005 3:13 AM

Fig!! hahahah! I adore you :)

Posted by: lizardek at June 4, 2005 6:43 AM

Congratulations about the new job! I am so excited for you! Yippee!!!!! It is good to be employed. It is even better to be employed at a dream job. :)

Posted by: Jensgalore at June 4, 2005 7:40 AM

Yea Scott! I say eclair cake, alcohol, pretty shoes AND tater tots in celebration! But you know me, I don't like to do anything half-assed - or smaller-assed, for that matter...;)

Posted by: Amy at June 4, 2005 9:32 AM

I could be all like a crazy fan and say, "Oh my golly gosh, we're cycling together!"...but then that would be weird, so I won't.

Congrats on your good news! Someone give the woman a tater tot!

Posted by: AGK at June 4, 2005 11:38 AM

I think they should make Tater-Tot shoes, with ankle straps, and then you could have your virtue and *wear* it too.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at June 4, 2005 12:41 PM

I would totally make you tater tots.

I hit 13,000 words today.

Posted by: Heather at June 4, 2005 8:58 PM

Lady-pain = alcohol in my house. Period.

*snort* That's a really stupid pun, and it was totally unintentional.

I got all excited about your days of virtue, and blocked them off on my master calendar in pink. And then I had a margarita, and booked an appointment for a pedicure.

Posted by: Jenny at June 4, 2005 9:03 PM

If drunk=virtuous, then I was extra virtuous last night and may still be a little virtuous now. And woman, alcohol is a drug, and drugs are medicine, is what I always say. ALWAYS. Oops, I just said it again.

Posted by: laura at June 5, 2005 5:07 PM

I have no tater tots. But I have something MUCH better. Your book was the discussion book for my local libraries book club, the PageTurners. Local library is in rural northern Michigan (Houghton Lake) and for some reason they read Gods in Alabama during Michigan week. OH, and I lent my copy to my editor (mid 20s, single guy) and he told me he didn't think it'd be his kind of book, but the WRITING hooked him, and he LOVED it. ;) And I've been meaning to tell you these things forever. Better than a tater tot, right?

Posted by: Linda Sherwood at June 6, 2005 9:07 AM

OMG I'm such a dolt - it took me like 15 minutes to figure out Fig.


Posted by: Karry at June 7, 2005 1:56 PM