May 18, 2005

Viva la pR0n Spams

I just spent TWO HOURS OF MY LIFE I WILL NEVER GET BACK cleaning spams out of my pending comments on this blog. I know exactly where to go now to look at boobs, to get bigger boobs, to look at naked butts, to get a smaller butt, to maintain an erection (although if I maintain it for more than four hours I should seek immediate medical attention), to join a naked hot teen asian spanking bubble bath party, to play Texas Holdem, to play naked hot teen asian spanking Texas Holdem, to clear my nasal passages...I know it ALL, baby. TWO. HOURS. OF. MY. LIFE. And I am MAYBE halfway done. And this is just the spams that accumulated while I was on TOUR. I stopped cleansing daily because trying to cleanse from the laptop led to me banning everyone whose email had a .COM in it. HEH. So. It built up.

My least fave spammer is this SMUG POOHEAD who hides his pR0n urls in a "comment" that says, "Great blog! Thanks for keeping all the spammers off it."

Haha. That's hysterical. I was laughing so hard at that clever bit of repartee I almost hired an ex-con to beat that spammer into a fine, white powder. Most people, when they REALLY become amused, laugh so hard they spray coffee on their monitor, or they wet themselves...not me. When a spammer is THAT dern funny, I accidentally hire a violent felon. So, please, spam me some more.

DO I SOUND CRABBY???? I am a single mom for another ten days, I have deadlines coming out my EARS, I am still nominally on tour, my house is MIRED IN FILTH, and here I sit cleansing spam for two hours because I do NOT want to pay extra because smart guys like him are USING MY BANDWIDTH to sit in my pending comments. BUT since there is NO STOPPING THE SPIDERS, I ask you, Must they also be SMUG??? I SO want to be able to say to him, "YOU ARE WELCOME! And PS, your REPUGNANT CRAP never ONCE showed up on my blog, Mr. Pending Porny Dorkwad."

He is one of the "Bigger Pieces-Parts People." He is hawking "natural male anhancement." If I did not try to keep this blog rated PG-ish because my 14 year old nephew often reads it, I would be VERY tempted to make some sort of pun about how he doesn't need his own product because he couldn't POSSIBLY be a bigger dick.

Oh. Oops. Viva la I AM crabby. NEPHEW! AVERT THINE EYES!

Posted by joshilyn at May 18, 2005 7:46 AM

I found your site through "Woulda Coulda Shoulda" and just had to delurk and say I Love Your Place!

Posted by: Chickie at May 18, 2005 8:00 AM

Gee, and with a family in the bail bonds business, I thought we were the only ones who looked to ex-cons to do our dirty work. :) I suppose it's no consolation (re getting those TWO HOURS back) that this is the funniest "I hate spammers" post I've read (and I've read quite a few)...but I'll say it anyway.

Posted by: Marilyn at May 18, 2005 9:16 AM

Geez, do you know what kind of Googles you are going to be the subject of now? I pity you ;-)

Posted by: Em at May 18, 2005 10:18 AM


Your blogs are so funny! I thoroughly enjoy reading them. Can't wait to read your book -- Mom got a signed copy in Pensacola. Great comercial here in Tuscaloosa! Best of luck to you...and keep blogging!


Posted by: Karen Caples at May 18, 2005 11:19 AM

You know those teenage Asians? I hear the whole spanking/bathtub thing is just a front for this assassins-for-hire business-- kind of a "Crouching Bubbles, Hidden Nunchuks & AK-47s" situation.

The beauty part is how much the bubble chicks hate spammers, too, because they think the whole cover story they've been stuck with is freakin' lame. Especially Xiumei. Xiumei is ULTRA pissed.

Anyway, Xiumei et al are SO ready to leap out of the froth and kick some spammer butt, what with their fingers and toes getting all pruney and having to wear their hair in perky pigtails with big huge bows all the time. Not to mention the little white socks.

Bet they would cut you a sweet deal under the table if you gave them an excuse to take out a few Natural Male Enhancement creeps. (They really appreciate tipping, though. All saving up for boob jobs because if the bloodthirsty professional killer thing doesn't work out, they can make way more over at Hot BODACIOUS TATA Asian Teen Bubble Spankers dot bada bing.)

Um. Just a thought... I want you to have more time for BOOKS and BLOG ENTRIES, here, because you are most excellent.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at May 18, 2005 12:03 PM

Can we take Cornelia with us, the next time we go shopping?

Deep breaths. I don't think any judge in the country would convict in the white powder scenario, personally. And barring that, save your energy for where it matters. Also so you can go see the sweater I had to buy without you (*sniffle*) which I am certain you would've had a long conversation with, given the opportunity (p.s. it matches the aubergine shoes!!).

Just think of the spammers as more popularity than any one person should be forced to endure. This is the price of being FABULOUS!

Posted by: Mir at May 18, 2005 12:15 PM

Oh lordy, Joshilyn/Cornelia, you simple cannot say things like that when I'm eating -- the food keeps falling out when I laugh. *still rolling on the floor*

Posted by: David at May 18, 2005 1:20 PM

Oh, Mir, I would so totally love to shop with you guys, if it were ever possible. Even have an uncle in Manchester who might know SHOE-SHOPPING SECRET DISCOUNT HANDSHAKES or something.

Sorry about the spit-take, David.

As for you, O fabulous Empress Joshilyn Mr.-Husband, just please keep posting continued greatness... you are my fave blog-stop with each morning's coffee.

Posted by: Cornelia Read at May 18, 2005 3:01 PM

I like ur site...ur funny....sry u wasted 2 hours cleanin crap of ur comp. later!

Posted by: kristin at May 18, 2005 3:11 PM

omg omg omg!!! You used MY pejorative!!! NOBODY uses dorkwad anymore, and yet here it is!! Woot! I am now fulfilled in life, knowing that dorkwad is alive and well in the world. Yay for me. :D

P.S. ooo I think Cornelia is now my new one true love. Well, after Josh and Mir and Mr. Husband, of course. And well, maybe one or two, yknow, MALES. Oh well, still...woohoo!

Posted by: hiai at May 18, 2005 3:25 PM

While looking through the news, I found an article stating that Kutzu may curb drinking. Thought you would enjoy it :) Really, I am not hinting at anything :)

Posted by: MW Amanda at May 19, 2005 2:57 AM

You had me at Viva...
Dara ( mentioned your blog and book so many times I had to come visit. I love it after reading just one post! I thought I was the only one receiving the asian bubble bath offers though... I kind of prided myself on being so poorly marketed to! You know I almost fall for the one e-mail everytime:

Hi Cshodgsonmail, mee$t me fo^r some ac$tion to*night!

If it weren't for the tourette's syndrome of symbols interspersed... I might actually believe I had planned a rendezvous with Oh yeah except the fact taht I'm only into GUYS is usually a dead giveaway too!

Thanks for your great humor and wit!

Posted by: critter at May 19, 2005 4:25 AM

You are hilarious--and spammers suck!

Posted by: Edgy Mama at May 19, 2005 11:17 AM

I wish I could help you out!!! (((HUGS)))

Posted by: Heather at May 19, 2005 1:24 PM

"I ask you, Must they also be SMUG???"
LMAO. Indeed! I think it is now time to share my favorite spam header "These little blues are a festival to my johnson" sent by Emely Longoria. I have visions of Frank Sinatra singing to a hybrid of Emily Litella from SNL and Eva Longoria from Desperate Housewives.

Posted by: Dara at May 19, 2005 2:05 PM

What about spam for spamblockers!! Lurve that. And the emails you get saying "Due to extreme world situations where I am, I have ten billion dollars I really need to deposit in your account. Please send me the infomation for your bank account and I will deposit this ten billion dollars into it." I'm sure somewhere there are people falling for that one. Sad.

Posted by: cindy at May 20, 2005 10:41 AM