May 12, 2005

In Which I Feel Sorry Myself

I am pit sitting.
I am WALLOWING in it.
I am weepy and pathetic and damp and pink eyed and sorrowful in Chicago at a hotel I hate with even more vim than the Moneysuck one because...oh HOW DO YOU COME TO HATE A HOTEL WITH VIM! LET ME COUNT THE WAYS...

1) They send loud people to bang all over with hammers in the room next to yours while you are still sleeping and

2) A GIANT spider, and I mean GIANT, like, you could get enough spider material to make about four perfectly respectable garden spiders out of just this one, attacks when you are naked in the shower and

3) You beat the spider to death using the metal trash can, slamming it repeatedly against the TILE SHOWER, creating a MIGHTY RACKET and as you bang you SCREAM AND SCREAM, you scream like the DAMNED ON FIRE IN HELL while you beat the spider into chunks, and then later you realize that if, instead of a spider, it had been, say, AN AXE MURDERER, and if, instead of a trashcan ringing against the tile it had been, SAY, an axe ringing against the tile as it hacked you into chunks, and you had been screaming and screaming exactly like the damed on fire in hell...the construction workers tearing the room up next to you would have cheerfully continued banging away and NOT RESCUED YOU AT ALL...

4) NOT that you wanted 50 construction workers to come in and see you naked and beating a spider into about 9 pieces, BUT STILL, they HAD to hear you because you heard them, and if it IS an axe murderer next time, you better just say a quick hail mary and prepare to be the one beaten into 9 separate pieces BECAUSE NO ONE AT THIS HOTEL IS GOING TO COME AND SAVE YOU, nor are they going to...

5) GIVE YOU A RIDE TO THE GYM. Even if their own gym is under construction and they SAY upon a NOTE in your ROOM that all you have to do is GO TO THE LOBBY and ASK for a ride to the gym, and so you go, and it is 50 degrees and pouring rain outside, and you say you need to go to the gym and they DO NOT offer you a ride at ALL, but they look at you as you stand in your T-Shirt and shorts, and they say, "UM IT IS ONLY SIX BLOCKS YOU CAN WALK IT IN TEN MINUTES" and you say "BUT IT IS RAINING" and they say "NOT HARD" and send you off into the rain to get IMMEDIATELY LOST and people in BOOTS AND OVERCOATS huddled under UMBRELLAS look at you like you are a moron because OH MY LORD YOU ARE!!! You ARE a moron to let the doorman intimidate you out into this weather in a T-SHirt and you will wander the streets of chicago CRYING and FREEZING and WET and LOST and wishing ONSTAR made ENDEMIC BIOLOGICAL BLOOD-INFESTING NANOTECH SYSTEMS that you could have implanted into your SPINE so you could press your belly button and someone could would come save you because


I'm just saying.


THIS HOTEL IS VERY FANCY. It has a PLASMA TV in it. A HUGE ONE! I am trying to figure out how to get that puppy into my luggage because HELLO!!! Spider. And CONSTRUCTION. And imminent unrescued death by the same construction workers who WOKE YOU UP. And NO GYM. And mean intimiating doorman who says the freezing rain is "NOT HARD." And lost and wet and feeling SICK now and NEVER HAVE I HATED A HOTEL WITH SUCH VIM.

This hotel? Forget chips. I want to win PLASMA TEEVEE.

Posted by joshilyn at May 12, 2005 10:19 AM

I so badly want to pet your hair and holler at the mean doorman for you! I have an idea. If they have a comment card, leave the pieces of the spider displayed prominently on it.

Posted by: Amy at May 12, 2005 10:05 PM

How appalling!

Insist on speaking to the manager this very moment -- that is just nonsense.

#1) Workmen are not allowed to start making dreadful noise in the guest areas until after 9am. And even that is early, given the schedule hotel guests are often on. Insist that they change the time they start work.
#2) The presence of a spider that big in a "fancy" hotel? Uhhh... hello? Vermin! And use that term, too. It'll make the manager cringe. And added to the fact that noone even came to knock on your door with you making all that noise? That's a safety concern.
#3) Making you walk to the gym IN THE RAIN when they clearly say they'll give you a ride is false advertising. And downright RUDE! And you'd hate to have to tell your publishing house about your treatment. They might stop using said "fancy" hotel, and possibly even tell other publishing houses to do the same.

OK, so I sound like I'm being somewhat sarcastic here. I'm not; I'm dead serious. The manager needs to know that you are NOT pleased for these particular reasons, and what are they going to do to fix this? I would insist on at LEAST free room-service and a reprimand for the person who shipped you outside in a strange city IN THE RAIN.

And please make sure that you're telling your editor about the bullshit hotels you've been dealing with. It's obvious you aren't being a prima donna. There are certain levels of service that you expect, however, and if they're not being met, the people paying for the room need to know this.

(oh, and I'll be in Chicago next month for a conference. Would you be willing to email me with the name of the hotel you're at? I'd hate to wind up there unknowingly...)

Have I told you lately I LOVED gods?

Posted by: Beth at May 12, 2005 10:09 PM

Ahhh, but which is worse? The Hotel or Kimberly?

Loving gods, by the way. Reading it is sooo improving my vocabulary, too, you Big Smarty.

Posted by: Sheri Guyse at May 12, 2005 10:18 PM

AAAHH!! That is inexcusable about the gym. What a bunch of dorks. I think you are perfectly within your moral rights to smuggle home that plasma TV as compensation.

But seriously, tell you editors how badly this hotel sucks.

Posted by: katie at May 12, 2005 11:01 PM

Alright, that's IT! Next trip, we're sending Arlene's Aunt Flo with you. If she were along this trip, all rude, obnoxious and unacceptable treatment of our little Georgia peach would halt, cease and desist instantaneously. The spider would have been pulped; the construction workers would have been cowering (quietly, I might add) in their steel-toed boots; and the doorman would have carried you to the gym on his own back AND held the umbrella for you. Oh, and wouldn't Aunt Flo just love to get a-hold of Kimberly. Ha!

Posted by: David at May 12, 2005 11:19 PM

Oh my darling, I am incensed on your behalf. Like Amy, I want to pet your hair and rip the doorman a new one (I'm sure that's what Amy would've said if she wasn't so genteel-like). Instead I will have to settle for a day of telling you that you are pretty.

Because, HI, I will call you later but I will SEE YOU FOR LUNCH tomorrow, k? And if there are scary spiders at your expensive lodging, you can come hang out with me in my cheap-ass motel where I hear that all of the cockroaches ate the spiders already. Also we could just drink a lot and then not care so much. I'm just sayin'.

Posted by: Mir at May 13, 2005 9:33 AM

I never even thought about siccing Aunt Flo on them! That's wonderful! If she did that, they'd be offering to ship that plasma tv home for her, just "please get her off of me (whimper whimper)"

Posted by: Beth at May 13, 2005 10:08 AM

I think I will have to get your book for summer reading, I love southern books. I saw a full page add for your book in People yesterday. You rock

Posted by: Susan at May 13, 2005 10:59 AM

I'm with Beth on this one, Joss. I think it's time to channel your inner belle and Make A Fuss. AND to tell your publisher (maybe your media escort?) about your experiences.

Big hugs to you. I hope the next stop is better. It sure as hell better not be worse!!

Posted by: DebR at May 13, 2005 11:17 AM

yes, make a ladylike fuss. Speak to the manager and explain that you are not happy and why. Be very matter of fact and calm and sound Reasonable but Stern. You are only a doormat if you lie down for it!! I have traveled on business and it is always within your rights to complain and get satisfaction. That's the way these things work.
For the incipient cold, try some (not sure how to spell it) Courvasier - it is a liquer that will knock your socks off, even sniffing it will clear your sinuses all the way to Paris. And then you'll sleep well.

Posted by: peggy spence at May 13, 2005 11:27 AM

Had a dream about you last night. In it I was telling you that due to the demands being made on your life, the unpleasantness, the cold, the spider, rude people, being away from your husband and babies (yada, yada, yada) you needed to order ROOM SERVICE. I have never done it myself, but if I were in your circumstances, for my mental health, I might be a little more likely to need that kind of pampering. You are earning it. You deserve it. Really.

Posted by: dana w at May 13, 2005 9:46 PM


I would give you a ride to the gym.

Posted by: Heather at May 15, 2005 1:46 AM