April 12, 2005

By Tomorrow

We all have our coping mechanisms. Distressed Millionaire Rock stars, for example, like to huff up great heaping spoonfuls of cocaine and Do It with gaggles of bikini models. Gaggles of Bikini Models binge eat, sucking down the WHOLE olive instead of just the pimento. Hamster mamas eat the heads right off their babies. Lemmings march cheerfully into the sea. Me? I make lists.


A list of things I need to accomplish before my first novel comes out. Which happens tomorrow. By the way.

1) The GOAL: Lose five pounds. Preferably five pounds of butt.

The PLAN: Sensible diet and exercise.

The EXECUTION: Last night for dinner I had 3 glasses of water and a platter of Asian Broccoli Nut Stir Fry. An excellent beginning, since it is nuthin' but delicious, fresh veggies with nuts and olive oil for good fat and protein. But then I followed it up with half a pound of cookie dough and another half pound of finished cookies and then I had to FROST the meagre troop of cookies I did not eat and at around 10 PM when I had put all the cookies AWAY and instructed my husband to HIDE THEM from me, I found myself crouched over the sink LICKING FROSTING DREGS DIRECTLY FROM THE BOWL.

The PROGNOSIS: You can take your ice skates to hell and wear them out before this one happens.

2) The GOAL: Get BETWEEN, GEORGIA finished and locked and loaded and back to my editor before I leave on tour so I can get my head set to talk-think-opine about gods in Alabama.

The Plan: Sit on my five pounds of spare butt facing my computer and do the work.

The Execution: I sat. The butt was comfy. Of course, I BROKE A CHUNK OFF MY LAYZZZZZER PRINTER! HEH. A VITAL chunk. A chunk that made it STOP being a printer and become, instead, a box that makes a terrible grinding noise and spits out inky shreds of masticated paper. BUT Scott went out to COMP CITY and BOUGHT ME A NEW ONE. So. (PS If you are thinking "Didn't she have to replace her ancient crappy printer while working on gods only a year ago so how on earth did she manage to UTTERLY DESTROY IT so fast?" then um WOW you have a good memory and have been hanging here a long time. And also You are CORRECT.. And ALSO??? SHUT UP.)

Prognosis: I DID IT! CHECK! Mailing today! LA LA LA LA LA!

3) The GOAL: Write a DIFFERENT first novel, one that is gentle and inspiring, where the main character is a cheerful nun or perhaps a talking rabbit. And not one of those WATERSHIP DOWN-style fighting mythological doe-wanting-sexed-up VIOLENT rabbits either. A NICE rabbit. A SINGING rabbit. Preferably on PROZAC. Sell book to big NYC publishing house and have them get it into a finished product and promote it like MAD and release it TODAY and become this sort of FOLKSY, KIND icon who is known for her ladylike ways and delightful tea parties and then later release gods under the name SLUTZY CARMICHAEL and hire Orphaned Agnostic Bikini Model with TINY TINY BUTT to pretend to be the author.

The Plan: This seems hard. Get Scott to do it.

The Execution: I'll ask Scott how it is going, one sec....He says "GREAT!"

Prognosis: Scott can do anything, so no worries on this score. Maybe he can talk to Mischa Barton and see if she is agnostic! And an orphan! CHECK!

4) The GOAL: Get new HEALTH INSURANCE via NASE so that our coverage costs less than our mortgage.

The Plan: FOR MONTHS say to husband "we need to get new health insurance." For MONTHS AND MONTHS, nod wisely in response when he says "Yes, we do." Do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to accomplish this. INSTEAD, wait until the DAY BEFORE your first novel releases, and then when an agent CALLS YOU, out of the blue, MAKE AN APPOINTMENT to have him COME TO YOUR HOUSE and TALK TO YOU ABOUT YOUR INSURANCE NEEDS on the VERY DAY when you need to make 3000 more desserts for your hometown mini-book launch in the evening, when you have a radio interview scheduled, when you are getting the FIRST PEDICURE of your life, when you need to PACK FOR YOUR WHOLE FAMILY for five days and pack YOU for the first week of touring, when you need to go to four different stores to get things you NEED before you can travel, and when you have not scrubbed out the toilets in WEEKS --- It helps if you can BE SURE you were raised in the south by a woman whose MAD HOUSEKEEPING SKILLZ make Donna Reed look like a FILTHY SLAG, so that you are pathological about having the house look SHINY AND NICE and FREE OF LICE when strangers come over and HEY! What you need right now is a another way to feel like STRANGERS ARE JUDGING YOU AND THINKING YOU MUST BE A BIG CUSSY HO-BAG WITH DIRTY THOUGHTS AND TOILETS, and by the way, oh gentle reader, while you are over by that sideboard, could you PASS ME THE COCAINE??? And a fistful of Bikini Models, too, so I can chew THEIR heads off and spare my children. THANKS!

The Execution: Yes, please. I will take lethal injection, or a simple beheading is fine too because WHAT CRACK WAS I SMOKING???

Prognosis: I have to stop blogging now and go clean out my toilets.

Posted by joshilyn at April 12, 2005 7:19 AM

You crack me up! Good luck on your tour :)

Posted by: Kris at April 12, 2005 9:28 AM

Hey, at least you actually COMPLETED goal #2. Good on you! And living with an aspiring writer, I understand completely how you can go through a printer a year. So those of you who can't understand? Shu'p!

Tomorrow! Tomorrow! Wheeeeeee!

Posted by: Kestralyn at April 12, 2005 10:27 AM

Sku # Product Name Shipping Quantity Total Price

3290559 Gods In Alabama US Postal Service $12.81

I just ordered the BOOK. I can't wait to get it. Good luck getting all your errands done, sounds like you'll have a slow day! XO XO

Posted by: Peek at April 12, 2005 10:30 AM

I ordered the book yesterday! Sold! And good luck on those coping mechanisms.

Posted by: laura at April 12, 2005 11:19 AM

Hey chica! When you are in Oxford MS on the 28th, you HAVE to eat at Two Sticks. Do you like sushi and that sort of thing? It is a sushi bar but they also have a full menu. My pastor's daughter owns it. She has an authentick Japanese cook and does some of the recipes herself. The crab cakes are to die for. Anyhow, Two Sticks, it's in the square. Soemtimes they have life entertainment even.

Posted by: Heather at April 12, 2005 12:19 PM

NASE - a good place to get insurance. Used to be a member and then I married the husband and got covered by his insurance. But yes, I highly recommend NASE. If only they also provided dental coverage. Sigh.

Posted by: Jensgalore at April 12, 2005 1:56 PM

Yes we are excited in the Tar Heel state about the release of a book that for some reason I can't remember the name of.....(grins)....but we are totally multiorgasmic about NEXT week when said book tour will bring someone we almost know and already love within hugging distance. You have the number, if you think of anything you need en route, call and it will be there darlin....Bless your heart I bet your are about to spontaneously combust. BTW, I'm level 13 in WoW.....want me to bring the laptop so you can get a fix next week? Hugs and will see you soon!!!

Oh, I heard something today that I thought would bring you a giggle. "She has to put lipstick on her forehead in order to makeup her mind."

Posted by: Gabi at April 12, 2005 2:15 PM

Oh, aside from all that other stuff, enjoy your first pedicure! Warning: it tickles.

Posted by: Em at April 12, 2005 2:27 PM

You poor dear! On a happy note....I bought a copy of your book! And downright excited about it too!

Good luck on your book tour,


Posted by: Dana at April 12, 2005 4:01 PM


#3 is my favorite. I can SOOOO relate.

But Gods in Alabama is perfect just like it is. I don't like bunnies.

Posted by: Katrina at April 12, 2005 4:38 PM

Jensgalore - You can get dental through NASE. Vision too!

Posted by: Mr. Husband at April 12, 2005 5:27 PM

#1Donna Reed is a Filthy Slag in comparison to my mother.
#2 BEWARE! BEWARE! I went by the bookstore that is hosting the launch on Thur. and the place is coated with "giA". They are thickly racked in the front window and there is a HUGE pallet of them in the main aisle, never been opened and smelling sooo good. I'm so excited i cannot stand it!
#3Just a heads up. I sabotaged the pallet load with about 2 dozen randomly inserted Chick tracts touting God's love for the purchaser and including a step by step process by which they can avoid the flames of Hell.

Posted by: Bobby at April 12, 2005 6:20 PM

Is your mental illness number still going to be this high in Vermont? Not that I'm judging. I mean, it's very entertaining, and all, but I just want to know if I should clear away any sharp objects before I ask you to sign my copy. ;)

Posted by: Mir at April 12, 2005 9:05 PM