March 6, 2005

The Toddler Socks

I woke up yesterday with cold feet. I rolled blearily out of bed, rummaged around in my sock drawer, and came up with The Toddler Socks in my hand. The Toddler Socks are PINK. Not, like, soft petal pink or a lovely dusky rose, I'm talkin' REAL for true-true pinketty-pink. They began their exciting career in the world of "Being Socks" over a decade ago, at which point they were FUZZY, like cheerful caterpillars, but as the years passed, they shriveled and lost their figures and their fuzz is matted and pilled in places. The Toddler Socks look like hair-balls that the cat yacked up right after he got dosed with Pepto-Bismol. BUT MAN THEY ARE STILL THE WARMEST SOFTEST MOST COMFY SOCKS EVER EVER.

I am not a morning person. I poured a bunch of coffee and cereal down my gullet, pulled on black shorts and a gray T-shirt, stuffed my feet into backless tennies from Target, and drove over to the trail for a good, long skate. Still wearing...The Toddler Socks. I didn't notice until I had occasion to look at my feet, which one must do in order to strap skates on. I said a bad word. Now, maybe had I been wearing some COLORS it wouldn't have looked so odd, but I almost never do. My friend Julie says my favorite color is, "Drab." I AM TRYING TO CHANGE THAT! Over the last I have been buying prettier things in COLORS for book tour events and such, but left to my own devices, I'll roll myself neck to knees in charcoal and call it a day. Against the clear canvas of my outfit and my black and gray skates, the toddler socks were a little...noticeable.

Driving home to change would have eaten into my skate-time, so I sucked it up, and took off down the bike trail hoping that no one would be AROUND this early. ALAS, it was loaded; you've never SEEN a prettier morning---March in TOTAL LAMB MODE. Sunny and warm with a nice crisp wind...EVERYONE was on the bike path, EVERYONE and everyone's hateful mother and everyone's hateful mother's JUDGMENTAL DOG, all the dogs trotting along on SOCK LEVEL thinking ill of my shins, in one case BARKING HYSTERICALLY to see shins encased in Flamingo pink fronded tubes. I tried to concentrate on all the scenic nature that I am sure would have lifted the heart of anyone who a) wasn't dead inside and b) wasn't experiencing extreme sock mortification.

OKAY, I know rationally that not everyone I passed was RIVETED by my socks and laughing their butts off at me. BUT I was so CONSCIOUS of my glaring feet that IT FELT LIKE THEY ALL WERE. You know? You know. And it doesn't help that I am SUCH A DORK anyway. I always feel a little bit...mock-worthy because my skates are REALLY skates, not BLADES like the cool kids wear. Why? you ask? Because...well here I really want to say that because blades are so EXPENSIVE and I got these skates for 6 bucks at the goodwill...but truthfully it's because I have all the innate grace of a drunken stork, a drunken, flailing, lunatic, off-kilter stork who has a cowboy shooting at his feet and screaming, "DANCE, BIRD!" So I would absolutely KILL myself if I had rollerblades. I would dead within hours of purchase. But on REGULAR skates you cannot work up the kind of speed you need for a truly spectacular bloody explosion into death.

GAH I AM OUT OF TIME! I cannot believe I am going to have do a TO BE CONTINUED on a story...ABOUT SOCKS. It's hard to do a cliffhanger ending that will call people back when the topic is SOCKS. You really need to send Flash Gordon hurtling off a cliff in a welded-shut car that has been wired with explosives to justify continuing until next day...oh well. Let's pretend I got welded to my skates and wired with explosives and pushed off a cliff, okay? Come back tomorrow.

PS I know I said that Faster than Kudzu would be ONE on MARCH 6th, and OH LOOK, it is MARCH SIXTH, but I decided not to count THIS ENTRY as the start of Kudzu. SO. Coupla DAYS til we turn ONE! TRA LA!

Posted by joshilyn at March 6, 2005 7:22 AM

Hey congrats on not heading back home to change your socks and doing the skate thing. That is courage. I myself would have turned back, fidgeted carefully when around vehicles that were higher than mine and maybe sat in the driveway and looked around to make sure that nobody was on the street before rushing inside. So thumbs up for you. :)

You did what you had to do and ignored something as silly (note what I just said and not what I would have done) as the visualness of your comfy socks. You did the right thing when you were most nervous. That is a courageous incident.

Anyway happy pre-birthday to the site. And to paraphrase the 'brown bear in the ring' song from the OMG documentary "Touching The Void" (now on DVD) I sing 'There's a pink bear in the ring.. tra-la la-lala..' :)

Posted by: Klint at March 6, 2005 9:31 AM

See now, this is where we're different. I LOVE color, and would have chosen those socks intentionally. If they actually had flamingos on them? Even better! I am a teenager of the 80's through and through -- I love me some crazy socks!

Good on yer for getting up and skating first thing, though. I'm with you (not a morning person) and the thought of actually trying to work out first thing just gives me the itchies. And a strong desire to go back to bed.

As for skates vs. blades? I can't do either, so if you're on skates, you're already a cool kid as far as I'm concerned!

Posted by: Kestralyn at March 6, 2005 11:49 AM

I love skates... I bought 4 pairs of blades, but each time I couldn't stand up. I bought 4 pairs because I thought it would get better if I got a different kind. Plus yeah... $70. Crazy. I don't own skates at the moment, but they make some really cute ones now. They tried to "come back" into style a few years back, but I don't think it took hold. Even Britney Spears had a line of skates.

Posted by: Mary Jo at March 6, 2005 5:01 PM

I'm with Kestralyn! I recently bought a pair of Crocs in BRIGHT SCREAMING YELLOW totally on purpose. Kevin calls them my "duck feet". Pinketty pink socks? Huzzah!! You probably put a smile on a lot of faces...and there's nothing wrong about that. :)

Posted by: Amy at March 6, 2005 5:50 PM

I'm with Kestralyn in congratulating you for doing any physical activity first thing in the morning..especially a SUNDAY morning. If GOD really is in Alabama, He should have mentioned somethin' 'bout a day of rest. And I don't think by "rest" He means "rollerskating like a damned fool" in florescent socks! If God WAS in Alabama and didn't mention this 24-hours of ordered REST, y'all are really missin' out!

Me, today, I vaccumed the entire house, cleaned three bathrooms, walked the dog, did two loads of laundry, and I'm in the middle of cooking Sunday dinner, roast and all the fixen's. But, I ain't rollerskating. I is RESTIN'!

Posted by: Carolyn H at March 6, 2005 7:24 PM

I first read this title as "Squeaky Socks" which had me heading straight for the back arrow since it's the title of a Boobah episode we have on DVD and it SCARES me. Really. Boobah is the devil. But your pink fuzzy socks sound far less scary. I'll stay tuned for tomorrow.

Posted by: Amanda at March 7, 2005 1:45 AM