February 28, 2005

Southern Fried English (Rated PG-15)

I FEEL BETTER. One of the nice things about being a moody person is that even the bad ones are a flash of light, a puff of smoke, and then before you can say Boom Chicka Ta! I have moved to other moods. THANK YOU for all the kind happy birthday wishes. I took to my bed with Chocolate and the Oscars and except for Johnny Depp not winning AGAIN, I had a lovely time. Two of my hometeam guys I was double-super-rooting for came through: GO CHARLIE KAUFMAN! GO MORGAN FREEMAN!

In other news, I heard from my friend Geoffrey that he is moving to Alabama. Dothan, to be exact. Dothan! He grew up in San Diego, and he is moving from Chicago, and to say that he is about to experience a little culture shock is like saying that giving birth might cause one to feel some discomfort and possibly pressure. I am compiling for him a DICTIONARY, because the poor boy does NOT speak Alabama.

This is what I have so far---please leave any Southernisms he absolutely needs to know to survive in the comments. PREESH!

It's blue tail cold. = It is very very cold indeed!

Bitty is a Briarpatch Whore. = Bitty is so loose you don't even have to rent a room. She'll happily jump behind the bushes with you, even if the bushes are thorny!

I'm going to cut your legs until the blood runs into your shoes. = Young man, you are getting a spanking!

I could shit and fall back in it. = I am certainly very surprised.

Bill can kiss my ass and then bark at the hole. = I am not interested in Bill’s opinion.

I'm going to vomit in my own shoes. = That disgusts me.

John would steal the nickels off a dead man’s eyes. = John is not trustworthy.

The big dog gonna get that baby. = The baby is not behaving well.

I’m dreckly moving to it = I will do that next.

I should just kill you and tell God you died. = No one has seen you for a long, long time.

I jumped his hump. = I gave him a stern lecture.

Larry would climb a telephone pole to tell a lie when he could stay on the ground and tell the truth = Larry is dishonest.

I’m going to shoot you til you fall down dead right there = I am going to shoot you many times.

Of course, if he hears that last one, he probably won’t be needing the other translations…

Posted by joshilyn at February 28, 2005 12:39 PM

Sorry I missed your birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Too bad for Johnny, but great for Cate! Yay Cate! DON'T YOU JUST LOVE CHARLIE KAUFMANN!?

More southernisms:

I feel like a grubworm with the shit slung out of me= I don't feel well

I'm sweating harder than a whore in church=I feel warm (He'll use that one a lot)

She (or He) don't have a piss pot or a door to throw it out of = She (He's) having a hard time with money.

She (He) couldn't squeeze two nickels together and get a dime=She (He) is bad with money.

You know that's for true=I agree with you

Don't shit where you eat= self explanatory?

(For this area of Alabama especially...) Dayz e bi' ole deh e yo bag yar=There's a large deer in your backyard.

Posted by: Waylon at February 28, 2005 1:05 PM

I'm from Dothan. Poor Geoffrey! I lived there until I escaped to college . . .

Posted by: KarenB at February 28, 2005 1:42 PM

Here's one I've always loved:

Well don't that just dunk your hat in the creek and fry your 'tater...translation: well, i'll be!! (which needs a translation of its own)...

Posted by: Danielle at February 28, 2005 5:11 PM

He/She is dead-dog ugly. = Pretty darn ugly.

If Geoffrey wants to be hooked up with some Holy Rollers to jump start his social life, let me know. My mom would be happy to oblige!

Posted by: KarenB at February 28, 2005 6:02 PM

As your grandmother G. would say, "Aw shucks,she's so ugly she could snag lightin'."

Posted by: Papa at February 28, 2005 6:48 PM

I'm gonna stomp a mud-puddle in your butt and walk it dry. = Yes, I'm MAD at YOU.

Fatter than a tick on a hound dog = Don't get in front of this person at the Sunday buffet.

He also needs to listen to every CD that Jeff Foxworthy, Larry the Cable Guy, and Tim Wilson ever made.

Posted by: Debra at February 28, 2005 8:34 PM

Mah Gawd, y'all. Them's some mighty heavy 'spreshions yer a'flingin' round thar. Y'alluns'r liable to scare the po' boy awf, y'reckin? B'sides, ya f'got one.

Run, Forest, RUN!

Posted by: David at February 28, 2005 8:59 PM

"dumber 'n a barrel a hair" Boy, that is really dumb!!

"footsteps upstairs, nobody ever comes down" Not the sharpest knife in the drawer, ie. dumb

"pure dee-(noun, usually an emotion)" "pure dee-rage," "pure-dee snit"

"fixin' ta" planning to do something

"tacky" The ultimate southern insult. We'll be ANYTHING but tacky.

Posted by: peggy spence at March 1, 2005 9:56 AM

How about these???

"I'd hit you in the head, but the roar would be deafening."--You're an airhead.

"S*** Fire and Save the Matches!"--Expression of suprise.

"I'd stretch a mile, if I didn't have to walk back"--I need to get up and move around.

"Bring me a coke"-- Used for bring me a Pepsi, Coke, Sprite, Moutain Dew, Kick etc...anything that fizzes..

"Bring me a cold drank"--See above.

"I'll slap you to sleep and slap you for sleeping"--I'm mad at you.

That's just a few of the popular, here in Tennessee.

Posted by: Cheryl at March 2, 2005 11:47 AM

"I might could" - Maybe, maybe not.

"Red-headed stepchild" - Unwanted, unloved, and left out of everything.

"Big 'ol" - Applied to anything large. He'll find himself saying this without even realizing he's picked it up and if it's pointed out to him he'll vehemently deny learning it the South, claiming he always used it.

Posted by: Jensgalore at March 2, 2005 3:40 PM

"A dingo ate my baby!"

Oh, wait. That's something else.

Posted by: Mir at March 2, 2005 6:49 PM