January 24, 2005

Not to be Endured

I have been bouncing around the house for QUITE SOME TIME now, bouncing and warbling and getting all up ons over Spain buying gods in Alabama. Scott would like it if you would write your congressperson, and ask that the following sentences become illegal to say in English:

Today I will be visiting gas station restrooms all over the South and leaving the following graffittis:
For a good time, call SPAIN!
Oh Spain, you're so fine! You're so fine you blow my mind, hey SPAIN!
Me + Spain, 2 people 2gether 4ever, except one of us is not a people, but more like a country. Even so, the point is, I dig Spain.

If you ever have to pee in rural Georgia, choose the second stall in and see if I haven't made good on the above. Also, in case the letter writing campaign goes well, how do you say "SPAIN IS THE NEW BLACK" in French?

Yes, I know I am being unendurable about Spain, butbutbut...and here, I would like to SHARE SOME WISDOM with you. Hehe. That's sort of an in-joke from me to me --- I knew this person once, a friend-or-relation that I shall describe here as "Friend-or-relation" or "IT" so that IT has NO DISTINGUISHING MARKS and it can never PROVE DEFINITIVELY that I meant IT when I was speaking about it right here. If you follow me.

Friend-or-relation has often, when I was in a bad patch, said to me, "I want to share with you some wisdom," and then it would begin talking straight out of its butt, offering me platitudes and truisms on the level of, "You should probably LOOK before you, you know, LEAP, hmmm?" AND! AND! NEVER ONCE! NEVER! ONCE! has it followed its own self-righteous, boring, straight-out-of-poor-richard's-almanac advice. Just between you, me, and the whole internet, Friend-or-relation's personal life is SUCH A HUGE TRAIN WRECK that the debris spans half a continent. I am cleverly not going to say WHICH continent because that would be a distinguishing mark, but I do not mean something like the NORTH POLE (which LOOKS like a continent but is really just a bunch of ICE), I mean a great big sprawly serious actual huge CONTINENT.

So whenever I offer to SHARE SOME WISDOM, there is probably a whole herd of visiting tongues in my cheek, although for the record, the herd of visiting tongues is PURELY METAPHORICAL. Although, if Friend-or-relation said it, the herd of visiting tongues would most assuredly be LITERAL, which is just one indication of how serious I am when I say you can still see the ACTUAL DEBRIS of its personal life from DEEPEST DARKEST SPACE.

SO for what it is worth, here comes my SHARING OF THE WISDOM, so brace yourself, Bridget:
Whatever it is, celebrate it until you pop. Celebrate it until your husband threatens to make talking about it ILLEGAL. Celebrate it like you are going to get your head kicked in by a bus tomorrow, because, well, you might. Screw half-full, I want my glass to have a meniscus, EVEN THOUGH I KNOW a toddler is about to march through my living room and knock said glass over, and the contents will be red wine which will no doubt spatter my very favorite faun-colored suede pumps.
I share this wisdom with you MOSTLY so that I can say --- SHAMELESSLY! AGAIN! WITH NO IRONY! AND NO PAUSE FOR BREATHING! ---

Spain hearts me I heart Spain yay Spain yay Spain yay.

The end.

Posted by joshilyn at January 24, 2005 7:53 AM

Spain is no doubt busy preening over your euphoria, and also admiring its gods in Alabama fridge magnet. ("Oh, that? That's just a magnet my friend JOSHILYN JACKSON THE NOVELIST sent to me. Yeah.")

Posted by: Mir at January 24, 2005 9:31 AM

I love your joy. It makes me grin.

Posted by: Heather at January 24, 2005 10:47 AM

Los corazones de España Joshilyn Jackson también. ¡Comprar a Dios en Alabama eran la mejor decisión nosotros hicimos desde que deshaciéndonos de ese bastardo de Franco! ¡Felicitaciones Joshilyn!

Posted by: Martha O'Connor at January 24, 2005 1:51 PM

Stop. You had me at "herd of visiting tongues".

Posted by: The Zero Boss at January 24, 2005 3:12 PM

You're talking about me AREN'T YOU! Well let me share some wisdom with you: what goes around comes around. Which means, if you catch me, if you listen carefully to me, that g-in-A is soon going to be buying Spain! Then we'll see. Shan't we. A HA.

With Warmest Regards,
Aunt P

Posted by: Aunty Pooper at January 24, 2005 3:17 PM

l'Espagne est le nouveau noir.

Posted by: jill at January 24, 2005 3:20 PM

And in Japanese, if your browser supperts it...スペインは新しい黒である

Posted by: jill at January 24, 2005 3:21 PM

Russian: Испания будет новой чернотой
Greek: η Ισπανία είναι ο νέος Μαύρος
Korean: 스페인은 새로운 검정 이다

Look at Traditional Chinese: 西班牙是新黑色 and Simplified Chinese: 西班牙是新黑色

I'm just saying.

Posted by: jill at January 24, 2005 3:27 PM

AMEN, sister!

Posted by: Amy at January 24, 2005 4:52 PM

Unendurable, huh? Well, I should certainly HOPE so. I mean, jeez, how many people can say they've gone INTERNATIONAL right out of the box with their FIRST NOVEL,huh?! You go, girl! Oh, and Scott, you might wanna tie a rope around her ankle so she doesn't float away on us. *grins*

Posted by: David at January 24, 2005 6:46 PM

Yay, Spain!
It sure SEEMS like a country with impeccable taste. At least now.

Posted by: Kira at January 25, 2005 12:33 AM

And in Swedish: Spanien är nya den svarta.

Yay Spain!

Posted by: lizardek at January 25, 2005 3:34 AM

Yeah about Spain!
I have been in quite a few rural Ga. bathrooms and have never been in one with more than one stall, and I was afraid to go in that one!! You must be going to the "high falutin'" bathrooms.

Posted by: carolyn at January 25, 2005 5:41 PM