January 7, 2005

Incredulous Staring

I am experiencing Incredulous Staring. Several things have come to my attention that are TRUE things, that are irrefutable, that are backed by scientific, physical evidence, and yet...my credulity is strained. My credulity is strained like the baby's peas. Which is to say, "My credulity is like unto a fine, green, easily digested yet tasteless paste," which is an image that strains credulity. And therefore RIGHT NOW you are sitting there boggling at this bizarre simile with your lip curled up, and you are thinking, "HOW ON EARTH is her FREAKING CREDULITY like STRAINED PEAS??? You can't MASH credulity. That CANNOT be true."

So. Now you know exactly how I feel.

Things that are straining said credulity:

1) There exists a NEW FITNESS PRGRAM called...no, really... YOGA BOOTY BALLET No. REALLY. Said program (which I am BUYING just as soon as ransacking the sofa cushions yields $69.95 in lost change) includes "signature moves" like "Bad Kitty." Bad Kitty is described thusly: "Think of this as a tiny, personal tantrum! Throw your arm down toward the floor like a kitty deftly and annoyedly shaking water off her paw, in a fit of regal cuteness." I NEED THIS TO BE HAPPY! I NEED THIS TO BE HAPPY! COME ON, SOFA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GIVE UP THE QUARTERS!

2) I am leaving on Sunday on the first leg of a four leg pre-sell tour for gods in Alabama. This is the West Coast portion. I will visit 5 cities in 5 days: L.A., San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, and Denver. This is TRUE. I have the itinerary. I see online that e-tickets have been booked for me. The playroom is AWASH in my PATHETIC WARDROBE as I dig around seeking things to pack that a) I feel moderately non-hideous in and b) GO WITH THE SAME PAIR OF SHOES.
(DIGRESSION: I have MORE SHOES THAN OUTFITS, so packing is like a RUBIK'S CUBE of impossibly puzzling elements that must be made to fit together under some UNIFIED SHOE THEORY. I am INCAPABLE of comprehending UNIFIED SHOE THEORY. CLEARLY every outfit needs at least two pairs of shoes and possibly back-up boots, and how can THE SAME shoes work for a black and red outfit my mother gave me and a pink and chocolate brown flippy dress I got from J. Jill ON SALE FOR EXCUSE ME $29.95 down from HELLO! 130 BUCKS. It can't be done. If you happen to be an astro-physicist who minored in fashionista, OR if you are JIMMY CHOO, can you please come by my house? THANKS! --End digression)

ANYWAY, all these signs point to an actual pre-sale book tour ACTUALLY happening to ACTUAL ME, which implies that I actually have a book coming out in April and all manner of other things SO improbable that Arther Dent and the Heart of Gold could get halfway across 19 Galaxies just by applying ONE of them.

It gets WEIRDER.

3) I see here on my ITINERARY for this completely fictional trip, that I am flying FIRST CLASS to L.A. Let's pause here and just GIGGLE. I have never been in a first class ANYTHING. Ever. I am an economy kinda girl. Ever since I saw that, I have been SLIGHTLY unbearable. I keep running up to Scott and saying, "I hear that in first class you get complimentary opium, and then JUDE LAW comes by to give you a foot rub! USING SCENTED OILS!" Because that seems JUST AS LIKELY as me flying to L.A. on Sunday to talk to folks about my book...(PS when I tried that line on Matt, he said, "NO, that's first class to EUROPE. In First Class to L.A., all you get is a hit of cocaine and a cell phone.)

4) The hotel I am staying at? In L.A.??? Has upon its website a list of amenities, AND I AM BEING DEADLY SERIOUS HERE, the list proclaims that each room comes with a bathroom scale. Like, it is trumpeting all the cool things that would make you pick that hotel, and it is seriously like this: FOUR STAR RESTAURANT! SAUNA! STUNNING VIEW! AND!!! A SCALE!!!!!!!!!!! I can only assume they list this in case I am a supermodel and need to make sure I didn't gain four ounces by eating the WHOLE olive for dinner, instead of just the pimento, because if I DID, OMG! I will not BE ABLE TO DO RUNWAY!

Which brings me back to my DESPERATE need for the COMPLETE GODDESS PACKAGE from YOGA BOOTY BALLET.

Me and my digi-cam will be blogging from the road, assuming I can figure out the NINE THOUSAND CORDS that came with my "WIRELESS" LAPTOP...so stay tuned. If Jude Law DOES give me a foot rub, I will ABSOLUTELY capture it on film. And if the above list is any indication, it seems like NOTHING is impossible.

Posted by joshilyn at January 7, 2005 7:42 AM

First class is exactly what you deserve, my friend...enjoy! And be sure to share all the details with those of us living vicariously through you!! :)

Posted by: Amy at January 7, 2005 10:44 AM

Now THAT sounds like Yoga I might actually do.

and this???

...(PS when I tried that line on Matt, he said, "NO, that's first class to EUROPE. In First Class to L.A., all you get is a hit of cocaine and a cell phone.)


Posted by: Heather at January 7, 2005 12:09 PM

Well, if it's just Jude Law, never mind. I'll only travel first class if I can get a foot rub from Harrison Ford. So there. Pbbttt!

Jensgalore, releasing my excess weight with intention, care, and attention to detail

Posted by: Jensgalore at January 7, 2005 12:15 PM

I LIVE IN DENVER! (or close enough)
Are you going to be at the Tattered Cover? Shoot, I just deleted their newsletter. GAH! Can I come look at your SHOES?
ps I LOVE LOVE LOVE the magnet and am making all guests to my house admire it. MWAH!!

Posted by: Kira at January 7, 2005 1:03 PM

Okay, I'm sold. Will be buying any and everything you write from now on.

Have also linked to you from my blog. Too funny. :-)


Posted by: Barb at January 7, 2005 2:14 PM

Wow. Major props for 'living the dream' of first-class airline travel. I have to admit, I'm more than a little jealous of riding in an airplane and being able to extend my legs beyond the 90-degree angle mark. That, and not getting looks of socio-economic disdain from the flight attendants. Congrats! :)

Posted by: Peter B. at January 7, 2005 3:49 PM

Have a WONDERFUL trip, darling! Can't wait to hear of all your adventures!

Posted by: Mir at January 7, 2005 3:52 PM

OMG! OMG! You must come to Elliott Bay Book Company.. just so you can go OH MY and gaze upon the coolest bookstore in Seattle. (Course don't say that to the other bookstores as they would most likely protest in a most unpleasant way and show you why Seattle got #1 in the fittest city in the nation for 2005) *flexes jelly belly*. EEEEE!! Seattle rules and you other cities drool!

Posted by: Klint at January 7, 2005 4:10 PM

You've hit the big time now, darlin'! I've never flown first class, although my husband lucked out on our honeymoon trip home and landed the only seat available whilst I sat next to the child from hell for three hours back in coach. Don't think that isn't a constant source of friction.
Anyway, I am so proud for you and jealous all at the same time. Give 'em hell, baby!

Posted by: Tish at January 7, 2005 5:28 PM

1st class is quite fun. They address you by you're Name! A sentence like "I'm sorry Mr. 37B, we seem to be out of ice" magically becomes "Would you like me to fluff your pillow Ms. Jackson?"

And this Matt character seems a little off to me. Probably some deep-seated emotional issues.

Posted by: Kwu at January 7, 2005 6:39 PM

Once you go 1st class going back to coach is down right painful...physically and psychologically! So you know, in 1st class you will have 'real siver ware' and real 'salt and pepper shakers' to season your 'real meal'. Your beverages...that's right, plural should you so desire, are never empty for more than a nano second. The restroom is ALWAYS available. Enjoy your wonderful flight to L.A. and knock em dead on your tour!

Posted by: Paula at January 8, 2005 10:23 AM

Have a safe and fun trip...looking forward to hearing about it.

Posted by: dee at January 8, 2005 12:08 PM

OMG! 1st class - as you take your seat on this UNBELIEVABLE trip - be aware - "this is the moment I enter a different plane of existence" from the rest of us peons - a life we only dream of (1st class, 4 stars, yada yada) YOU GO GIRL!!!!!

Posted by: Dana at January 8, 2005 1:58 PM