January 5, 2005

Enter Simon Michael

1) This is THE VERY LAST DAY to register for the drawing!

2) I have to type blog entires into WORD PAD now, instead of word, or I get all those weird ??? for quotation marks. I haven't opened word pad in probably 6 years...When Sam was very small, not even 2, he liked to be allowed type nonsense into wordpad using 72 point font. When I would sit down to open the program for him, he would crow, "STAWT! PWOGGAM! SUCCESORIES! WAR PAB! And now every time I open WAR PAB! to blog, I hear his long-gone baby voice cheering me as I wend my way through the menu.

3) We got a visitor. An EXCEPTIONALLY cute a furry darling dear precious delightful visitor with trembly whiskers and bright, black eyes and a roly-poly tear-drop of a body covered in sweet gray fuzz. Same body was, I assume, ALSO covered in Hanta Virus and Salmonella and no doubt he had racing stripes of bubonic plague decorating his diseased little tongue.

He was sitting in the middle of the KITCHEN waiting for a chance to LICK MY CHILDREN. When he saw us, the adults and the cat, he ran under the stove. We pulled the stove out and looked at him as he squatted adorably on his little fat haunches, licking viral death onto his teeny-fingered pink paws and then spreading it all over his ears.

SAM: Oh! His name is Simon Michael! Can we KEEP him??
Maisy: Lookit! It a MAW-ZEE! Dat Maw-zee! He like me!

So, obviously we couldn't kill him. I mean, he had a NAME. And the good sense to like Maisy. I am not sure I could have killed him ANYWAY, I mean...LOOK at him. Very adorable for a filthy plague ridden vermin:


Several things happened then, all at once.
Simon Michael ran out from under the stove.
The cat ran at Simon Michael.
I grabbed the cat from behind and...
Have you ever grabbed a cat that was not ready to be grabbed and surprised him? I mean REALLY, TRULY surprised him, down on the cellular level? Well, if so, then you know what I mean when I say that Schubert exploded. He just went BOOM. He leapt four feet up into the air and his eye bugged out and his four limbs and his tail all FLAILED around in completely unrelated directions and he screamed like an angry peacock and then ZOOM, Schubert fled the scene.
Simon Michael went RACING into the breakfast room.
Maisy just yelled, excited.
And Scott, THE AMAZING SCOTT, Scott who used to do close magic to charm his niece and nephew, Scott who has won pool tournaments, Scott who apparently traded HIS IMMORTAL SOUL for superhuman hand-eye coordination, picked up a plastic mixing bowl and THREW IT, threw it open side down as if it were a frisbee, sent it spinning in a perfect arc, five feet or more through the air, and Ladies and Gentlemen, as God is my witness, SCOTT RINGED THE MOUSE.

"Well then," said Scott, absolutely matter of fact, "Let me get a piece of cardboard."
"Okay," I said. "And then let's get chopsticks and you can pluck flies out of the air."
And Sam said, "REALLY?"

We slid a piece of cardboard under the bowl and then flipped it over, and there was Simon Michael, neatly trapped in tupperware. The kids fed him Honey Bunches of Oats and cornbread with butter and honey while we all got dressed. I went to check on poor Schubert and found him holed up in my office, still PUFFY and oddly large looking. He glared at me balefully and then went back to grooming, trying to get his electrified fur to go back down.

And then we drove MILES AND MILES out to this old horse trail where I used to ride, WAY FAR from the barn (and the barn cats) in this quiet portion that goes by a meadow and and a stream and where charming little birdies are contractually obligated warble, and into this Idyllic Woodland Heaven released him, far from buildings and humanity. Fare thee well, Simon Michael.

But! I do not believe in A MOUSE. There is NEVER "a" mouse. There are always...MICE. SO we have to do SOMETHING ---something like TRAPS or AN EXTERMINATOR since our one-eyed cat's morbid obesity and poor depth perception make him an EXTREMELY INEFFECTIVE mouser. So. That's problem ONE. Problem two is, the kids really want PET FANCY MICE now, the NON-PLAGUE BEARING kind. Seems SICK to actively SEEK TO ANNIHILATE some mice while putting OTHERS in a habitrail and feeding them on buttered cornbread...

PEE ESS! "Diseased little tongue" is a Kira-ism. You should go VOTE FOR HER BLOG, KIWORDS, over at the BoBs! Her blog is one I NEVER miss.

Posted by joshilyn at January 5, 2005 8:39 AM

Listen up, ladies and gentlemen...God forbid anything should ever happen to my fabulous friend Joshilyn, but if anything ever does...I CALL SCOTT.

Posted by: Amy at January 5, 2005 9:45 AM

Amy, I will totally fight you for him. I'm not even kidding.

Posted by: Mir at January 5, 2005 10:08 AM

Oh my goodness. I am trying to picture this and about to fall out of my chair. He RINGED the mouse. [ O H M Y G O O D N E S S ]

*sniffle* WAR PAB! How sweet!

Posted by: Heather at January 5, 2005 11:26 AM

What might be funny is if a parent of one of Sam's friend were to come by and say "Hi I'm here to pick up Simon Michael. Sam borrowed him for a few days." ;) - Anyhoo the part where Scot ringed the mouse, was way cool. Like the movie "The Rock" under the boiler cool. Except cooler cuz it happened when it needed to happen. :)

Posted by: Klint at January 5, 2005 1:01 PM

That's one talented Scott you have there!

My name is Shelley and I'm not lurking today. It's Delurking Day!

Posted by: Shelley at January 5, 2005 1:13 PM

As cute little Simon Michael tells the tale to his skeptical country cousins: "...and then I got abducted by this flying saucer. No, really."

Posted by: David at January 5, 2005 1:42 PM

My eyes are watering - my shoulders are spasming - I'm making little weird erk erk noises - I have ramen noodles in places they shouldn't go...

My co-workers are very concerned.

This is the last time I eat lunch at my desk and read your blog. OMG!

Posted by: Karry at January 5, 2005 2:13 PM

I've done that to a cat. It is quite a spectacle, no?

BTW...I'm Lisa and I greatly enjoy your blog. I'm celebrating De-Lurking Day and raising $$ for tsunami relief. Read all about it at my blog. :)

Posted by: Lisa at January 5, 2005 2:18 PM

Awwwww! Simon Michael is so cute! SO cute! so CUTE!!!

But I, too, detest uninvited mice in my home. In my old house, where they used to inhabit the walls, I had been known to sneak into the kitchen (their favorite walls), wait for one to make the scuffling noise inside the wall, and pound for all I was worth, as near the scuffling as I could get, hoping to at least scare one into a heart attack, and yell, "GET! OUT! OF! MY! HOUSE!"

Then I bought some rat poison, and threw it around under the house in the crawl space (it was about 1/5th basement, the rest was crawl space). The mice went away. But apparently, I was only feeding the neighborhood rats. They took up residence, and I got the hell out. Nasty neighbors!

Posted by: scorpy at January 5, 2005 3:34 PM

Another de-lurker here. Love your blog!

Posted by: Linda at January 5, 2005 7:24 PM

But now Simon Michael has been banished from your warm cozy house and when the temperatures drop (out there - in the idyllic WILDERNESS) he'll become a little, black, fuzzy, teardrop shaped popsicle. Go back! Find him and put him in a habitrail where he belongs - eating cereal and buttered cornbread. I've seen his cuteness - and my heart bleeds.

Posted by: Dana at January 5, 2005 9:34 PM

I love how the mouse had a NAME. And I am officially de-lurking because I adore your blog, and you as well!

Posted by: samantha at January 6, 2005 12:25 AM

Love you, dear! And now I may have to blog my mouse story (yes, another SINGULAR mouse here).

Posted by: Kira at January 6, 2005 1:50 AM

I am crying, I can't drink my coffee because everytime I try to take a sip I picture that bowl soaring across the room. OMG. That is absolutely the funniest thing I've read in quite a while. I'm throwing a link back to this from my blog. Everyone should get this kind of a belly-laugh.

And that Scott, he's a definite keeper.

Posted by: Debra at January 6, 2005 5:28 AM

1)Mice just don't come any cuter than Simon Michael. Of course, it doesn't hurt to have JJ&Family in charge of your photo and bio, either. ;)
2)Preen away, Scott!
3)De-lurking day? What's de-lurking day?

Posted by: David at January 6, 2005 7:49 AM

One more de-lurker here! Love, love, LOVE your blog and the Simon Michael is just over the top! Too funny that you got a pic of that adorable creature before Scott ringed him.

Posted by: Paula at January 6, 2005 10:49 AM

This is what I LOVE about children. They need no formal instructions to know exactly what an animal's name is and what his opinions are.


Posted by: Stephanie at January 6, 2005 10:54 AM

Ditto David. What is de-lurking day? Perhaps I should google, but that would be far too simple.

Posted by: Joe at January 6, 2005 3:37 PM

Lawsy. I am literally peeing myself.

Posted by: Sara at January 6, 2005 6:03 PM

Hi Kira sent me =)

Good thing I was forewarned about the possibility of snorking whilst reading this post otherwise my monitor would be sporting a fetching new juice theme.

As the owner of a totally neurotic Maine Coon I know the exploding cat thing only too well, what gets me is the filthy looks I get while I'm rolling on the floor wetting myself laughing while said cat tries to look all dignified and 'I meant to do that'-ish.

Love the blog, will be back

Posted by: Kitty at January 7, 2005 8:15 AM