December 29, 2004

Pre-emptive Resolution Meme

1) The DRAWING TO WIN AN ARCis still going, and all you have to do is register. But hurry, registration ends early NEXT YEAR!

2) The Internet Attack Worm is still BOTHERING ME and my site. FOR TWO DAYS I could not upload any new entries and comments WOULD NOT work which SUCKS because, well, I live for them. I feel a big PULE coming on if this doesn't RESOLVE soon. And they could cut out again any second because the worm is still NOSING AT ME.

3) Yesterday THAT RATFINK MIR came over and perniciously dumped an entire glass of PINOT GRIGIO into my keyboard, ruining it permanently. Oh no, wait. That was me. But Mir BLOGGED MY BUTT so the ratfink stands, which is more than I can say for my personal dignity. I TRIED to link to the butt blogging, but the link kept turning into a loop that brought clickers back here, so THE WORM does not WISH you to read about it. Weird Worm. I will try once more.

4) I need a good New Years Resolution Meme – seen any? Oh wait, you can't tell me, because COMMENTS are bound to stop working ANY SECOND! OH! THE SWELTERING IRONY!

5) As I resolute meme-lessly, it's getting out of HAND. I had a list started, and then I realized that all my resolutions were things I had ZERO control over.

SAMPLE: I resolved to get my beloved and yet obscenely overweight and neurotic cat to a) lose five pounds and b) stop plucking out his butt-fur. Um, yeah.

I took him in for his shots and my vet clucked sorrowfully at the cat's MASSIVE, PICKED, BALDING, SCABROUS buttocks and then turned to gaze at me with these cold, judgmental eyes. And all I could say was, "Well, he used to be so fat he couldn't reach around to pluck his tail-feathers out, so this is PROGRESS..."

The vet did not seem convinced. And I AM trying to help the cat, I AM I AM, and I had him on a STRICT diet, I pre-measured his daily food ration and then gave it to him a spoonful at a time ALL DAY LONG whenever he asked, and he lost some weight, but then inexplicably he began putting it back on. Later I discovered quite by accident that beautiful Maisy had been coming along behind me and dumping a GIANT SCOOP OF KIBBLE into his bowl whenever it struck her toddler fancy.

Now I have hidden the cat food from Maisy, so PERHAPS he will lose weight, but HOW can a person get a cat to stop plucking out his butt-fur? It is not MEDICAL. It's just...fun. He LIKES to. It SOOTHES him. What? I’m supposed to take the cat into THERAPY? Trust me, if we decide to shell out for therapy for someone in this house, it will NOT be THE CAT. And yet a healthy crop of feline back-end plumage was on the list of things I resolved to foster in 2005... I might as well set goals like, "Shift the Universe four inches left." I guess I will change this one to, "Get cat a butt-toupee before next vet visit."

I can't set any writing goals…I am not writing right now. I need to lie fallow for a few months and do the editorial revise on Between, Georgia. And I have no control over gods in Alabama at this point. It is it's own creature, more so even than the cat. All this pre-book release stuff is SWIRLING DRAMATICALLY...elsewhere.

SO what am I to resolve? Big NYC publishing is... BIG. My book and I are being toted along in the warm and cavernous maw of a giant machine. And YES YES, YES, it is FABULOUS, it is my dream come true to be thusly chewed. But. I am a CONTROL FREAK... and I have ZERO.

We interrupt this PULE to point out the obvious: PERHAPS GOD IS TRYING TO TEACH ME SOMETHING??? PERHAPS I SHOULD LEARN TO LET GO AND STOP WORRYING ABOUT THINGS I CANNOT CONTROL AND SIMPLY TRUST OTHER, WISER, MORE EXPERIENCED PEOPLE AND HAVE FAITH IN ALL THE HARD WORK UNMPTY HUNDREDS HAVE PUT INTO LAUNCHING THE BOOK AND TRUST MY OWN WORK AND ASSUME THAT IT WILL ALL BE FINE AND KNOW THAT I HAVE DONE ALL I COULD FROM THIS END AND NOW IS THE TIME TO SIMPLY... LET GO and ATTEMPT a MODICUM of, oh, I don't know, PERSONAL GROWTH AND FAITH???

... Nahhh. Can't be that.

Anyway BACK to puling... oh forget it.
Look ye upon the cat's butt, and despair.
backofcat.jpg

Posted by joshilyn at December 29, 2004 1:15 PM
Comments

As your resident ratfink, allow me to point out that in trying to link to my post about your BUTT, you linked back to your own blog.

At least, I think that's what happened. Then I passed out from dizziness/nausea over all those weird characters the worm is propogating all over your blog. Next time I will eat some dramamine before I visit.

Posted by: Mir at December 29, 2004 1:32 PM

I did a Mondo Beyondo instead of resolutions.

Posted by: Heather at December 29, 2004 3:00 PM

I resolve to move back to Atlanta so I can spend more time cracking up with you! My cat's BELLY is entirely bald. This is partly because it drags the floor, he is so fat. Resolve to accept how fabulous you are and leave your cat to his own devices! Do what I do. Make your loving husband take the cat to the vet. :)

Posted by: Amy at December 30, 2004 10:43 AM

P.S. I forgot!! My computer WILL NOT allow me to register for your drawing!! It is making me batcrap and because I have ZERO computer skills I can't figure it out!! PLEEEEASE willyou register me anyway?!? PLEEEEEEEEASE? I'll be your best friend...I'll clean your house...I'll feed you grapes...I want my shot at the ARC! (psst..hey, Sam! I'll bring Jack for a visit if you pick ME!)

Posted by: Amy at December 30, 2004 10:50 AM

What is a Mondo Beyondo? And can a guy do it? (legally without surgery?) - thanks in advance.

Posted by: Klint at December 30, 2004 10:57 AM

My cat does that too, Check her out.
http://dcool7.tripod.com/pics/index.album?i=3

Posted by: Debra at December 30, 2004 8:16 PM

I had a cat who chewed all of the fur off one side of his body. When he started to chew it off the other side, I asked the vet for advice (don't ask me why I hadn't asked earlier . . .) He said my cat was neurotic and lonely, and would probably stop chewing if I got another cat. I got a kitten, Jake stopped chewing, but then I had two cats - not sure if you are ready for such drastic measures!

Posted by: Liz at December 30, 2004 9:13 PM

Yes but...this cat violently HATES all other cats. In fact when we got him from the no-kill cat rescue he was only adoptable by a house that HAD no other cats, as his response to them is invariably violence. So. A kitten is not the answer. Another theory: Perhaps he has dry skin...we are trying fish oil capsules.

Posted by: joshilyn at December 30, 2004 9:25 PM

Our cat scratched and chewed for years, but had only lost hair in patches. When she started thinning all over her left side we talked to the vet (again). Appears she had some "recently discovered mite". Two injections later, no more scratching and biting. Perhaps your cat has the same mite?

Posted by: KarenB at December 31, 2004 8:47 AM