December 23, 2004

In Which I am Slightly Unreasonable

For days now I have NEEDED A LIST. I have fifteen THOUSAND projects going at once, not the least of which is CHRISTMAS, and I need a list, okay? I JUST DO. If everything is in LIST FORM then I can go through it scritching things off until I see NO WORDS, just pages and pages of scribbled out former things-to-do and it’s satisfying to see that, all that STUFF finished and the living personification of a well-earned nap exhorting me to lie on my face and drool for two hours.

So I have been saying to Scott, WE NEED A LIST. WE NEED A LIST! WE MUST SIT DOWN AND MAKE A LIST! But every time I have managed to corral him to make said list, something happens before I can even explain the list's nature and purpose and so we end up not making it and the day shoots by and escapes me and I get some things done but WHO KNOWS in what order or which of the fifteen thousand projects it belongs to or if I am close to completing ANY OF THEM. So yesterday, feeling panicky and list-less, I birthed live kittens.

I grabbed Scott and stapled him to a chair in my office and THRUST a pen at him and a pad of paper and screeched like a harpy, MAKE A LIST MAKE ONE MAKE ONE WE WILL DIE WITHOUT A LIST WE WILL BEGIN NOW A LIST WILL HAPPEN OR I WILL KILL YOU AND THEN I WILL KILL ALL THE WORLD YEA DOWN UNTO THE SEVENTH GENERATION!

Oooooooooooooooooookay, mental patient, said Scott. You have been going on about this list for days but you have yet to tell me what kind of list? Is this a grocery list?

And before I could explain that we needed a GIANT MASTER LIST that covered everything from groceries to errands to household chores to updating my work calendar and rolodex to inventorying my wardrobe to see what things are needed for my upcoming trip to final Christmassy needs to Salvation Army Pick-up objects and their garage sale value ETC ETC ON AND ON LIST WITHOUT END AMEN… the phone rang.

I said A Very Bad Word and wiped flecks of foamy spittle from my lips. I checked the caller ID. It was my friend Julie, who at that moment had physical possession of my boy-child (he was having a playdate with HER boy-child). In other words…I had to take the call.

MAKE THE LIST, I hissed at Scott, and picked up the phone. He was mouthing something at me, something about WHAT KIND OF LIST? And Julie was talking on the other end of the phone, telling me vital information about WHERE MY CHILD WOULD BE for the next three hours, so I rolled my eyes back into my head til only the whites showed and flattened my ears and shot a long, purple-black, forked tongue out of my mouth to poke him in the forehead and then I mouthed silently, MAKE A LIST MAKE A LIST while my head spun around backwards. When I finished channeling Linda Blair and looked up, I could see Scott had put pen to paper and was industriously list-making, so I sat down and worked out the logistics of getting Sam later etc etc.

When I hung up, Scott ripped the piece of paper off the tablet and presented it to me with a flourish. I hereby transcribe for you his master list:

3 Ducks
Robert Dinero
Candy Land
The Ability to Fly

There was a moment there where I seriously considered bashing his skull in with a rock, but before I could even FIND a rock, I dissolved into helpless giggles. I REALLY like him.
I said to him, How on earth do you put up with me.
And he said, Baby, I am never bored.

And now that I have had time to reflect, I've decided it’s a pretty good list. I have already checked off Robert Dinero, and am going now to assiduously apply myself to finishing up purple.

Posted by joshilyn at December 23, 2004 9:33 AM

I heart Scott.

Posted by: Mir at December 23, 2004 9:51 AM

You know what would help you get organized? A list. You should make a list!

*runs before she is tackled*

Posted by: Heather at December 23, 2004 10:46 AM

Hey, I have the same list! But, I haven't gotten past Candy Land as we are all stuck at home today due to the weather. Older kids, however, are upstairs working on the ability to fly. Perhaps I should go check on them.

Posted by: Busy Mom at December 23, 2004 10:54 AM

I love lists, and am a borderline obsessive list maker. Don't mean to brag, but my lists have actually inspired half my office to become list makers.

I find it particularly amusing that if you have list everyone thinks you're really organized and with it. But the whole reason I have a list is because I'm a forgetful scatterbrain.

Posted by: bonnie at December 23, 2004 11:11 AM

Top on my list is to make a list of things to do!

Happy Holidays.

Posted by: dee at December 23, 2004 12:19 PM

It's a very fine line between being the most adorable man around and being bludgeoned with a rock. It is in those moments of fearful anticipation that I am truely... alive!

Xtreme Husband

Posted by: Mr. Husband at December 23, 2004 12:43 PM

Holy crap. That list deserves some kind of nod from the Pulitzer Prize nominating committee.

That boy rocks, with real-live rocks. :)

Posted by: Peter B. at December 23, 2004 12:55 PM

A list? Who do you think you are? Santa Claus. A list! Ha, I scoff. HA!

Posted by: Natalie R. Collins at December 23, 2004 2:25 PM

Gee, I didn't even realize I was talking to Linda Blair incarnate.
P.S. Please don't bash my head in with a rock

Posted by: julie at December 23, 2004 7:59 PM

Scott, *shaking my head in amazement* you must be the coolest, most unflappable guy on the planet. Nerves of liquid nitrogen-refrigerated titanium, I swear. Rock on, dude. Oh, and before I forget, a very merry Christmas to you all.

Posted by: David at December 23, 2004 8:14 PM

Have I mentioned how I can't wait to read your books? :D

Posted by: AGK at December 24, 2004 8:02 AM

Huge ginormous hugs to Scott. J, can we clone him? I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. We are currently watching snow fall in NC. Not quite a white Christmas, but close.

Did you finish purple yet?

Posted by: Gabi at December 26, 2004 11:09 AM

Oh My GOD! You are my soul mate... I list everything. Lists make the world seem so much less out of control.

I'm a new reader checking out your archives, just wanted to say this post has tears rolling down my face from laughing.

Posted by: Mary Jo at January 12, 2005 2:42 AM