December 16, 2004

Sk8er Grrl UK!

I am better. I am less grumpy, anyway. Flu makes me MEAN and WHINY, even on paper. I apologize! I am back up and feeling perky and filled to the BRIM with the milky fluids of human kindness, which sounds pretty gross, but NOT as gross as mucus. HUZZAH! And I am all about Skating, even though I am, um, in my thirties and everyone else on the trail skating seems to be…14 and male and dressed in jean shreds and using SLANG I do not know. Fakey Ollie? Whatever. I am STILL all about Skating, even though I BOTTOMED OUT yesterday when an errant clump of pine straw wrapped itself around my wheels. I went hurtling off the bike path into the woods, tumbling down into the bracken and then skidding cheerfully on my face for about three feet.

I got up and said several words I oughtn’t even KNOW, much less say with my volume knob turned to eleven and the woods full of Impressionable Young Men on Wheels. It was VERY cold out and so there was no way to tell if the brown crumbly frozen substance streaked liberally down one leg of my pants was MUD or POO. A mile later, when the warmth of my skin through the lycra had permeated the smear-of-unknown-origin, the question was answered via fragrance, and I SKATED SO FAST that last mile, shrieking like the last little piggy if he got brained with a hammer and ended up with that disorder that makes you say everything backwards. “EW! EW! EW!” quoth I, all the way home.

I pretty much bathed in boiling water and bleach and STILL my leg tingles as if anthrax and hepatitis and all manner of worm larva were prancing up and down like the John Travoltas of contagion, strutting their stuff at the disease-disco.

IN OTHER NEWS! I got a letter from my UK editor. I have several responses to this. The main one is as follows:

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! I HAVE A UK EDITOR!!! Which means I now can say stuff like “Oh my US editor says…” and “When I talked to my UK editor…”

It’s the little things.

It was a good letter. Editors are FASCINATING creatures. My US editor (!!!) (PS she and I have agreed between us that she does NOT read this blog and if she does I do not wish to know of it) has this lovely controlled sweet-pitched voice that pours into my ears and coats my fevered brain like BALM. I talk to her and I begin to get this SENSE that she has everything under control and IT WILL ALL BE FINE. Which is WHOLLY foreign to me. I live my life predicated on the idea that it will NOT all be fine EVER. In the world according to me, it is ALWAYS poo, NEVER mud, and that way, the ONE TIME it DOES turn out to be mud, I can be all relieved and pleased for a moment. ANYWAY---My UK editor (!!!) has the SAME tone. She radiated the same unflustered, easy, on-top-of-it-ness … IN AN EMAIL.

It begs the question: Nature or nurture? Do you have to be able to DO that to become an editor, OR do you LEARN it because you get 150 authors on your desk and 149 of them are, to one degree or ‘nother, MENTALLY ILL.

(Digression) If you are a writer? And you are reading this and feeling offended and thinking, HEY! WE ARE NOT ALL MENTALLY ILL!!! Then EITHER you are the 150th OR ---far more likely--- you need to take a good hard look in the mirror. I submit to you that you are probably AS YOU READ THIS squatting naked on the carpet with your dead Aunt Gladys’s tattered wedding dress wrapped around your head like a turban and buttering the neighbor’s dog.
IN OTHER WORDS: It’s not that you aren’t mentally ill. It’s just that you are TOO FAR GONE TO BE AWARE OF IT. Please get help. (/digression)

ANYWAY the upshot is I found out I WILL have a different cover for the UK edition, and even though I am SO enamored of the US cover (Click the thumbnail! -- I already have it framed and hanging in my breakfast nook and although I will admit nothing concretely, the glass covering it is a little smeary and damp as if some un-named person had been unable to stop herself from kissing it) I have to admit I am excited that I will get a different one for the UK edition. Because, COME ON. That’s just cool. That’s like the VISUAL equivelent of being able to say “So my UK editor…” (!!!)

I am VIOLENTLY JEALOUS of my friend Fred Willard because one of his novels sold in JAPAN and he has a copies of it, this SMALL book, like a deck of cards almost, that opens BACKWARDS---righteous.

Okay dewds, must run and begin saying “Fakie Ollie” and hurtling into some poo before it is 2 L8 2 sk8!

Posted by joshilyn at December 16, 2004 8:55 AM

I hope your UK Editor has a UK accent. :) Though if they don't, no worries as they are still in the UK and 'officially' considered a UK Editor and 'officially' (and most importantly) -insert PREEN rights- your UK Editor. :)

Congrats on getting over the flu and p4wns0ring it by skating. :) OH and of course when you can you must be a dear and do share a glimpse of the cover of the UK Edition. It would be so utterly delightful. - Cheers and rock on.

Posted by: Klint at December 16, 2004 9:32 AM

In the same way you look forward to saying "my UK editor said..." I am looking forward to saying "my dear friend, the famous novelist..."

UR gr8, sk8er grrl!!

Posted by: Amy at December 16, 2004 9:55 AM

Are there writers out there that don't know all writers are nuts? That thought never occurred to me.

Posted by: Lani at December 16, 2004 10:28 AM

let's photoshop the cover!

Posted by: DLFP at December 16, 2004 10:36 AM

There is no other cover YET -- My UK Editor (!!!) told me they are doing one and they will send it to me as soon as they have created it-- I will OF COURSE! blog it.

Posted by: joshilyn at December 16, 2004 10:39 AM

I had something incredibly witty to say, but now I am consumed by the NEED to find a dog to butter. And that could take a while.

Posted by: Mir at December 16, 2004 5:35 PM

That line about the piggies was one of the funniest things I've ever read...ew, ew, ew, LOL!

Posted by: Janet at December 16, 2004 8:23 PM

Hi Ms. Jackson, Jill J tipped me that your your book is ready to be preordered at Amazon. I can't wait to receive it! Good luck! :)

(Sorry for barging in...I'm a fried of Jill's and she speaks very highly of you all the time)

Posted by: Rence at December 17, 2004 12:16 AM

I like the mud/poo dicotomy better than the empty/full dicotomy previously related to glasses of water and optimism/pessimism etc etc.

But I don't agree you always think it's poo. Sometimes you think it's mud. Point is you never think it's CANDY.

Posted by: Slartibartfast, Maryland at December 18, 2004 9:54 PM