December 8, 2004

From Beneath the Bed of Shame


If you KNEW what I was doing just MOMENTS ago, you would probably come over here with your dog and ask him to bite me. It’s UNENDURABLE.

I’m did it anyway…want to know what it iwas? I’ll tell you, but be advised that ADMITTING TO THIS is making my skin CRAWL OFF MY BODY and drape itself across my sofa as it tries to disguise itself as a throw. My skin does not wish to be associated with this behavior.

Okay here goes: I was practicing writing my name. That’s right. I was PRACTICING my signature, like every fourteen year old who ever JUST TOTALLY KNEW he would one day BE A BIG ROCK STAR and be asked to sign albums and autograph books and naked boobs.

This is not just a random flash of NAUSEATING BEHAVIOR. I am getting ready to sign an ARC and take it over to my local indie bookstore. And believe me, if you ever saw me sign a check, you probably wouldn’t fault me for practicing. In my regular signature, my first name looks like a drawing done by a three-year-old, titled “Three mountains as seen by a man on hallucinogens.” My last name looks like an ink-worm that died in convulsions. There is not a single thing in the whole signature that is REMOTELY recognizable as a LETTER OF THE ROMAN ALPHABET.

Yes, I generally speak in hyperbole. No, I am not doing so here.

So, I took a couple of practice runs at it before defacing the ARC, OKAY?
She said defensively.

I felt so dumb and FULL OF MYSELF doing it that after a couple of attempts that looked like someone wrote the letter J and then immediately had a seizure while still holding the pen to the paper, I gave up and began writing, “Mrs. J.E. Law … Joshilyn Law … Mrs. Jude Law … Joshilyn Jackson Law … Joshilyn Jackson Heart-Sparkle-Diamonds Jude Law 4ever!” AND if you assume that I will NOT continue to make the dots over the i’s look like little daisies (and trust me, this assumption is safe as houses), then I ended up with a legible, natural, easy-to-reproduce signature.

AND THEN I SIGNED THE ARC. Mission accomplished. I better go paste my skin on over my musculature and get on with the business of pretending this ENTIRE DAY never happened.

Posted by joshilyn at December 8, 2004 8:59 AM

Actually, the signature practice is a good thing for you occasionally. Mine gets pretty dreadful on a regular basis ;-)

In case you think you're alone in your ARC madness... my dear husband has been hoarding a photo of himself from the day of his commissioning (1995) for his first book jacket. It's a perfect book jacket author photo, but it doesn't look like him any more. No matter, he's gonna use it come hell or high water!

You writer-type people are odd ;-)

Posted by: Kestralyn at December 8, 2004 9:41 AM

If you need more practice, sign an ARC over and over and i will hide it ere at my house. *bats lashes innocently* No one will ever see it! Well, except me! And my husband. And everyong I have to brag to... Ok, so maybe my house isn't the best hiding place.

Posted by: Heather at December 8, 2004 11:40 AM

I tend to sign my name in ALL CAPITOL LETTERS. BLOCK LETTERS. Like an inordinately proud CHILD.
Another reason why YOU are the soon to be best selling author and I'm not going to be required of my signature any time soon.
Seriously, the other day my beloved Max asked me for my autograph (NOT MY JOB TO UNDERSTAND THEM), and when I signed his little sticky note? He looked at it and said, "Really, Mama? That's IT?"

Posted by: Kira at December 8, 2004 12:20 PM

Oh, and keep your hands off my boyfriend, Jude.

Posted by: Kira at December 8, 2004 12:20 PM

You owe me a new monitor. I got to the part about the "three mountains" and I spit my Orangina out.

Um, 'cause I was laughing. Just want to be clear.

I am newlywed, and I still don't like the way I sign my name. Mostly because everyone here only signs their last name, ever. And I don't like this. But, I have no choice, since the boxes for signing names are teeny-weeny. I really need to sit down and practice. Or something.

Oooh, I totally rambled, didnt I?

Posted by: ViVi at December 8, 2004 1:20 PM

And I thought I was the only one who ever did this. :D

Posted by: Stacey at December 8, 2004 1:42 PM

Aw, c'mon. How bad can it be? I've never seen sloppy penmanship from a girl in my life. There. That oughta stir things up a bit :)

Posted by: David at December 8, 2004 5:26 PM

You are entitled to practice that autograph a hundred times! Enjoy yourself. This is such an exciting time in your life.

Posted by: KarenB at December 8, 2004 6:27 PM

Better get used to it, babe. Everyone will want that autograph soon enough! And by the way, won't Mr. Depp be jealous if you start canoodling with Jude?

Posted by: Amy at December 8, 2004 6:27 PM

I was wondering if you would send me a copy of the new and improved signature. I have an autographed copy of "Screwing Lazarus" (I stood in the rain for hours waiting for that autograph). I'm sure that I'd be able to get lots more money for my copy on eBay if it had the practiced signature on it instead of the "hurried-to-sign so I can sign some naked boobage" it currently carries.

BTW...I LOVED the Christmas Pageant story!!

Posted by: Ron at December 8, 2004 8:07 PM

HOLY crap! Forsooth and Verily, HOW ON EARTH did you find your way here, Mr. Tarbox!! IT'S BEEN YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So NICE to see you again!

Posted by: joshilyn at December 8, 2004 8:51 PM