December 1, 2004

How Do You Spell “Hemorrhage?”

See above, and ps THANKS MICROSOFT WORD SPELL CHECK! You spell it just like that, when you mean BLOOD. When you mean MONEY, it is probably spelled in a different way, depending on your most beautiful secret avarices. I USUALLY spell it like this:
But this month I am spelling it:

Bah. Also Humbug. I am very bored with budgeting this month and want to go spend a BUNCH OF MONEY on a laptop. I just want to go out and PICK the laptop I want and put it on my pocket and leave. Instant gratification. BUT I WON’T. I will be prim and virtuous and work and save and be thrifty in my white apron and wimple. I will save up and comparison shop because I am fiscally responsible and debt-o-phobic BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I will ALSO buy a lotto ticket and hope the numbers fairy lands SPLAT on me with both feet.

I think most everyone has a PLACE in their head that is FINANCIALLY THE GOAL. It isn’t a number, really, it’s just an IDEA of a life-place. I have been SURVEYING people for their place, and women are all over with all these weird things, but men almost UNIVERSALLY say the same thing. They say they are “there” when they can afford a big screen plasma TV with TIVO. The few men I have asked that already HAVE that? Want some sort of car.

You want to know my place? I want to have ONSTAR. I don’t even care what the car is. I just want it to FIT all my children in and have ONSTAR. I want ONSTAR so bad I get weepy watching the commercials, even. Have you SEEN those commercials? The ones with the black screen and you just hear the VOICES of people in BAD CAR situations---run off the road or lost or hurt or locked out --- and this INCREDIBLY SOOTHING human on the other end of whatever ONSTAR is just MAGICALLY fixes it. I kind of suspect the ONSTAR people of being, you know, in thrall to Satan. They are too good to be true, and they seem to have such astounding earthly powers.

Unhappy Man: I’m locked out and its 400 degrees and the BABY IS IN THE CAR he is PUFFING UP and TURNING LOBSTER-RED.

Soothing OnStar-ian: Don’t worry. I am dragging a young goat with no blemish to the altar even as we speak…hold on sir…*Panicked bleating in the background*

No-Longer-Unhappy Man: It popped open! The lock just popped OPEN! How did you do that? And, um HOW did you EVEN HEAR ME since the ONSTAR thing is IN THE CAR with the BABY---How on earth did I even CONTACT YOU?

Soothing On-Star-ian: Don’t question the Dark Lord, sir. And have a nice day.

I almost don’t care if it IS run by the powers of evil. I SO NEED ONSTAR. I bet I would put them out of business, though, or at the very least I would drive everyone’s rates up. They would have to hire a special TEAM – “The 24 Hour Joshilyn Jackson Mobile Alert Chaos Prevention Team.” They would be an Elite Group of specialists gathered to help me get to Kroger. I would need Hannibal AND Face AND Murdock to get to the parking lot. Mr. T would get me safely home.

I have no sense of direction and I always lock my keys in (usually with the engine running) and if I am in the car I am probably lost. I am the kind of girl who can't get to the bathroom in my own house without a MAP, and, um, I CANNOT READ MAPS. Which means when I really need to go I have to hobble around in circles flinging open doors and hoping I will see a toilet and not the stinking coat closet again.

Okay, that's a VERY slight exaggeration. VERY SLIGHT. BAH. I have to go do seven impossible things before breakfast now, and ALL seven are “balance my checkbook.”

Oh well, perhaps Santa will bring me ONSTAR.
And a PONY!!!!

Posted by joshilyn at December 1, 2004 7:40 AM

Yes! I love those Onstar ads. I want it. My sister locked her keys in her car while she was gassing up one day. Her two children were inside and it was a hot day, so she called 911. The police officer who responded threatened to arrest her for letting the kids get locked in like that. She cried all the way home. I think of that everytime I hear the "child locked in car" ad. Onstar - saving you from total humiliation and arrest.

Posted by: Jensgalore at December 1, 2004 7:57 AM

My goal is a lofty one. I want to be at ZERO. Ahh, black. I can taste it!

Posted by: Em at December 1, 2004 11:02 AM

OMG!!!!!!!! That's HORRIBLE. I did that with Sam once--And I was in the deserted parking lot of a Baptist church. Sam was MAYBE 2, and we were driving along when suddenly he PUKED all over himself. I pulled into the lot and popped the trunk and walked around to get his diaper bag and the door closed and Sam was in there. He immediately began Re-Puking. With the engine running. Doors locked. Cell phone sitting in plain view on the dash.

I was looking around for a brick to SMASH MY WAY IN, thinking OH NO OH NO WHAT IF HE CHOKES and there was NOTHING. I mean NOTHING to bash a window in and I could not make myself run into the church for help. I would not have been able to SEE him. He finished puking and looked up and gave me a watery smile and waved at me through the glass. I was OFF THE CHAIN crazy, and there was NO ONE around.

I didn't know what else to do, so. I stood there and SCREAMED. I released great peeling waves of horrified screaming, I mean I SCREAMED. In between screams I would smile like a LUNATIC and say IT'S OKAY HONEY! HA HA, FUNNY MOMMY SURE IS LOUD. Then I would scream more. It was like I was a Banshee playing Carmen. Someone driving past HEARD ME FROM THE ROAD through her CLOSED car windows and pulled over. She called 911 for me.

The fire department came and got Sam out at once. They were VERY nice to me. SO nice. But perhaps it was because I was foaming at the mouth and howling for someone to bring me a brick.

Posted by: joshilyn at December 1, 2004 11:27 AM

Try and get a lappy 486. Finally a computer for your lap.

OK but ON*, I HATE those commercials. I don't watch TV, so maybe they are better there, but the ones on XM radio are annoying. The accents, my God, the accents. "Hay-ulp, mah momma's see-yuk. Ahm Fahv." *cringe*

Posted by: DLFP at December 1, 2004 11:30 AM

My place is where I am not adding up the grocery total in my head as I put items in the buggy and can run out to buy a nice gift for a birthday without worrying about the money.

Posted by: Heather at December 1, 2004 11:47 AM

OOOh, we have OnStar. It's really quite nifty. (Especially if you are lost in a some foreign city and your husband has the directional abilities of a 18-month-old.) Although, it can be a drag when I'm out and about (and have deliberately left my cell at home) and my NERD of a husband calls the car to find out WHERE HIS SOCKS ARE and OH can I have the last Krispy Kreme?
It would really be handy though if I happened to lock my keys in my Yukon, my children started to vomit and THERE WAS ONLY ONE KRISPY KREME LEFT.

Posted by: FabGirlie at December 1, 2004 12:10 PM

I also want ONSTAR. And I would acquire a Saab or a Saturn just to have it. Just thinking of ONSTAR reminds me of having a warm comfy blanket. And I want that warm comfy blanket.

Posted by: Klint at December 1, 2004 12:28 PM

I can't bear the Onstar commercials because I always PICTURE my CHILDREN in the scenarios on the radio. Then I'm forced to pull over to the side of the road and weep, with my head resting against the steering wheel.
I end up puffy eyed and with a steering wheel ridge in my forehead, and then they look at me oddly at Starbucks.

Posted by: Kira at December 1, 2004 1:29 PM

I am not lucky enough to have Onstar. BUT, I do have TIVO. And I am ashamed to admit that I would not trade. Car safety? Ok, it would be nice, but... the ability to fast forward commercials? Absolutely crucial! OMG I am so shallow...:)

Posted by: Amy at December 1, 2004 6:35 PM

u r a NUT.


Posted by: Russ at December 2, 2004 9:44 AM

Having followed Joss in a car around THE TOWN IN WHICH SHE LIVES I think that if any of us loved her enough, we would get together and buy her ON-STAR for the sake of her children.

She isn't kidding about her direction impairment.

Posted by: Judi at December 2, 2004 2:48 PM