November 17, 2004

Kimmi Meets Cananda

So, you know who KIMMI is.
And by now, if you cared, google would have told you who that DOG was.

Ah! The fecund virtual world of the 1990’s! BBS-es were hothothot, chat rooms were proliferating like rabbitses, the phrase “A/S/L???” was being invented and NO ONE TOLD THE TRUTH when they answered it. A fascinating time, and one that I chose to spend
1) Reading (things like) Artuad’s The Theater and Its Double,
2) Taking Myself Way Too Seriously
3) Drinking.

On a good day I could manage all three simultaneously.

Long about 2 am, when options one and two had become burdensome, Kimmi would wend her way to a chatroom. Here is a (heavily edited down to three people for the sake of clarity) ACTUAL LOG of KIMMI INFESTED CHAT I that I have apparently SAVED TO MY HARDDRIVE and MOVED from computer to computer in a pile of other files. I have moved this file through FOUR COMPUTERS NOW.

Kimmi: Is this a room to talk about Cananda?
BigRocket90: Want to go to Private?
Kimmi: Oh yes! I do! Is Private in Cananda?
JoeBlow: Canada.
Kimmi: I am not from Cananda though but I want to go to Cananda very bad it is my dream to go to Cananda I am saving for it but it is very hard to save enough the ticket will be thousands of dollars because I am all the way in Illinois.
JoeBlow: You could just drive.
Kimmi: No because the ocean.
JoeBlow: Do you mean…the lake?
BigRocket90: Want to go to private chat?
Kimmi: Yes I do! Do they speak French in Private Chat? Because the Chat part is French for cat! And last time I was here chatting about Cananda a Canandian man said they speak French in Canandia but I thought they spoke English with a funny accent like Crocodile Dundee who was really cute I thought but no because this Canandian man last time said they speak French in some Cananda places but I don’t speak French except for cat I can say in French. It’s “chat.”
JoeBloe: Hey. Moron. It’s spelled “Canada.”
BigRocket90: A/S/L??
Kimmi: I want to go to Cananda and see the dingos.

And so on. Usually DD would be in the same chatroom with one of her characters. Whoever could get the ENTIRE ROOM to put their character on IGNORE first, won.

BY THE WAY, are you wondering why I am blathering on and on about INSIGNIFICANT VIRTUAL events that happened more than ten years ago? And am threatening to continue to do so ALL THIS WEEK? I cannot TELL you why. But I can tell why it is NOT:

It is NOT because my agent has my new MS. It is NOT because he is POSSIBLY READING IT RIGHT THIS SECOND! It is not because I am having multiple nervous breakdowns ever since the package containing my new book was accepted by my agent at exactly 5:46 PM on Monday which I DO NOT know because I CERTAINLY NEVER checked the UPS tracking system 500 times a day until it was placed in his hands.

Want a more recent conversation? I have had this one about 900 times since yesterday.

Me: What if he hates it?
Scott: He won’t hate it.
Me: Do you think he is reading it right now?
Scott: No.
Me: So he finished already and he hates it and he is trying to think of a way to tell me gently that the first novel was a fluke and I should go get a different job.
Scott: He has had it less than 24 hours.
Me: I could become a pet embalmer.
Scott: No, you couldn’t.
Me: I bet it would be depressing. All those sad, dead cats! Lying so still! And glassy-eyed! Surrounded by weeping children! I would fall into black sorrow and get addicted to Atavan.
Scott: Then it is a good thing you don’t have to be a pet embalmer.
Me: I bet it would make my hair smell like formaldehyde ALL THE TIME, no matter how many times I washed it.
Scott: Would you like some Atavan right now?
Me: I bet he hates it. I bet he already read it and he hates it and that’s why he did not call. Who wouldn’t hate it?
Me: That’s like a textbook answer. I mean, PERFECT. How come you just ACED that without BLINKING and yet you can’t EVER seem to win, “Do these pants make my butt look big?”
Scott: There is no way to win that one.


Tomorrow I will write about KIMMI HEARTS GOATS and then see if I can dry swallow the new SUPER-SIZED Tic-Tacs! IT SHOULD BE A REALLY FUN DAY. Especially if you are Scott!

Posted by joshilyn at November 17, 2004 7:31 AM

1)They have dingos in Cananda? Really? *wide eyed blonde look* 2)Joshilyn, OMG, it's just hard to imagine someone as witty and savvy as you being so knee-knocking nervous. After all, this is your SECOND book of SOLD-NESS. Sakes, girl, you're scaring the bejeepers out of us iwannabeawriter types. 3)Scott, you da man. Thanks for keeping that live wire grounded (the better for us to read her stuff).

Posted by: David at November 17, 2004 8:35 AM

1) Yes, they do. Not the baby eating kind though. THANK THE LORD.

2) OMG HAHAHAHAHHA! I was BORN with 700 thousand extra nerve-endings and have grown a host more since then.

Yesterday my editor called while I was watching the Sopranos on DVD. She could hear it going in the background (It sounded something like: "f word this f word that bang bang death gargle f word.") She wanted to know what on earth I was doing and I think I said something like, "It's just The Beautiful TV. TV is my pretty, pretty friend that makes my brain stop talking."

I expect I will calm down about 15 minutes post-mortum.

3) Scott is SO the man.

Posted by: Joshilyn at November 17, 2004 9:39 AM

Oh dang. I am insanely tempted to play that game now.

Posted by: Heather at November 17, 2004 10:05 AM

I HEART Kimmmi! When I was a TEEN? A crazed TEEN? My parents let me sign the reciepts for the GAS CARD? And I would sign things like "BUBBLES" And "CINDI" (hearts for dots). But my FAVORITE was "Porche" and the guy behind the counter would look at it and say, "Um...your name is Porche?" And I would reply, straight faced, "It's pronounced PORTIA."
They never had an answer to that. I would have loved to play drunken chatroom irritating. Oh. *sigh*

Posted by: Kira at November 17, 2004 11:24 AM

From now on, any time I don't know the answer to something or don't want to say what's really on my mind, I am SO saying "I want to go to Cananda and see the dingos."

Thank you, Mental Illness Number Quite High Joshilyn.

Posted by: Mir at November 17, 2004 1:51 PM

EEEEEE!!! I love the Kimi/Goats poem! And I know I'm not alone! EEEE!!

Posted by: Klint at November 17, 2004 3:54 PM

Scott...I'm sorry. Hang in there.

Posted by: Amy at November 17, 2004 5:11 PM

Now that takes me all the way back to 1990.
There I was in a MUD having something to do with Vampires and I walk into a room on some impossibly large castle. MUD castles were like whole continents, or like the house in Evil Dead. Anyway, there I was wondering around... North, North, North, Open Door. When I come across a couple of people having very extremely graphic textual intimacies.
What fun was it to keep trying to interject myself. Not as the Type A or B guy you so describe, but as a person just trying to embarrass them for some reason. I was young, they were in a virtual world, and I had no pity.

Hmmm... I wonder if I would have pity now.
Probably so. Where else can you find a real non-alive vampiric dominatrix to take care of your need to 'belong'. The Internet is an amazing place.

Posted by: Shawn B. at November 17, 2004 9:39 PM