November 10, 2004

The Dog Ate It

I know I am SUCKING WIND, okay? You do not have to tell me. I am losing my regularly scheduled BLOGGING TIME this week because I am trying to get my MS in the mail by Friday. SO. I hope to suck less wind next week. I am CLOSE! I am to the PROOFREADING point.

By the way---- I hate proofreading. At this point it’s MOSTLY all about AVOIDING proofreading. DIGRESSION: I could proof from now until the fabled cows come home, marry, produce offspring, and die and I KNOW the MS is going to be a FESTIVAL of typos. You should have SEEN the copy-edited MS of gods in Alabama. The copy-editor used purple pencil and the MS looked like BARNEY had come by and personally EXPLODED into chunks and scriggly symbols and splashes and globules that stuck all over EVERY PAGE. So. KNOWING I’m going to DO A CRAPULENT JOB is probably a big part of my apathy.

I SHOULD be proofreading and printing out chapters or at LEAST blogging to keep the blood moving through the chunk of my brain that does the writing, but HERE is what I am doing instead:

1) Playing with Mr. PicassoHead (Which I found courtesy of my friend Jill)

2) Contemplating how I shall celebrate World Toilet Day! (November 19th! Do not let WORLD TOILET DAY! sneak up on you and pass you by! Mark your calendars and plan your celebration NOW!)

3) Making lists and searching baby sites for the name that I am going to give THE BABY we are going to adopt because I cannot ever be pregnant again and so am immediately having some sort of HORMONAL LUNACY episode that I fear will only be assuaged by something in a pink woolly blanket that has a sweet-smelling head and teeny, fat feet that look like pork chops. (Front running names: Magnolia, Prudence, Emmaline, Patience, Lisbet. Scott is pushing for Grendelina which shows he is NOT TAKING ME SERIOUSLY. He says MAGNOLIA proves that *I* am not taking me seriously either to which I reply, “If you think I wouldn’t slap Magnolia on a Birth Certificate faster than Miss Scarlett slapped Rhett, you are SERIOUSLY underestimating the strength of this little mental illness episode and you better get serious about combating it if you don’t want to GO TO CHINA.) Digression: In the first draft of Gone with the Wind, Scarlett was named PANSY. Can you imagine! Pansy O’Hara. PANSY just this SECOND entered my top 5, by the way. Too bad, Lisbet.)

4) Watching Season 2 of The Sopranos on DVD. HEY! BY THE WAY! Here is a CUTTING EDGE and EXCITING NEWSFLASH for those you who, like me, apparently entered a broom closet in 1998 in order to play Pictionary with granola-eating, HBO-less cultists while waiting for Hale-Bopp to SWING BACK AROUND:
The Sopranos is a REALLY good show!

5) Doubling up on my cardio and adding reps to my resistance so my abs can look JUST! LIKE! DREA! DE! MATTEO’s! (Actually, I would settle for abs that looked “just like Drea de Matteo’s if she had two C-sections and no personal trainer.” But even that doesn’t seem VERY LIKELY if I won’t stop sneaking into my son’s bedroom and pilfering whole crowds of mini Butterfingers from his pumpkin.)

Those are my excuses for sucking wind in the blogging department. But really they all boil down to this: I am not blogging much because I am very busy NOT proofreading.

Pathetic. Maybe I will go actually do some work.
You go play with Mr. Picassohead!

Posted by joshilyn at November 10, 2004 3:10 PM

I'm very familiar with the phenemenon of #3 there, but I bow to your higher mental illness number even so (Magnolia??)....

Posted by: Mir at November 10, 2004 5:01 PM

please, please don't name your child lisbet.

Posted by: dagmar at November 10, 2004 5:36 PM

1) Next time you see me, bring your Mr. Picassohead and I'll raise you one Wm. Shakespeare action figure!

2) DO NOT (sorry to YELL! but DO F***ING NOT) denigrate toilets nor the day in which their exaltation above all other mere modern conveniences is celebrated in your niggling satire! Try taking a dump in a hole. Then try doing it every day. Then everybody in your whole family. People I grew up with did and they don't have any teeth left!? Then there are the spiders...

3) If it's a girl: Flotilla. A boy: Colostomy. Those were our top two for our first.

4) Duh!!

5) I got p!ssed when I saw that she and Michael Imperioli (sp?) had end-tables and swinging-arm lamps just like the ones we read by at night. Go figure.

Love ya'
Jim H.

Posted by: jim h at November 11, 2004 1:55 AM

YES. Magnolia Ann. Or Magnolia Elizabeth.

Don't worry Dagmar, it's all about PANSY now and LISBETR is OUT. DAGMAR is itself creeping up the charts, however.

HEY JIM! You know what else is a good show? This new hot thing called DALLAS! It's a little SOAPY but man, this oil family sure gets up to some WACKY HIJINKS!

Posted by: joshilyn at November 11, 2004 7:45 AM

Ok, see what you have done? I have found Picasso head and I am hooked. And it is all. your. fault. :P So there.

Posted by: Jensgalroe at November 11, 2004 8:20 AM

Back Away from the ancient tv shows! If you are looking for creative ways to avoid work, CALL ME! And by the way, maybe we can go to China together. I might just be crazy enough to have 4 - and Lord knows it's the only way I'll ever get a girl. But not Magnolia. I actually like Grendelina better.

Posted by: Amy at November 11, 2004 8:35 AM

I don't see anything wrong with Magnolia. What - you can have Rose and Daisy and Violet and Buttercup (ok I know that's pushing it) and a venerable bouquet of names, but not Magnolia?

You name your imaginary forthcoming baby anything you want to, pookie. ;) :P

Posted by: ViVi at November 11, 2004 9:41 AM

My hubby's birthday is 19 Nov 2004. He works for our county's environmental services department a.k.a. water and SEWER. Coincidence? I don't think so...

Posted by: Kimberly at November 11, 2004 2:48 PM

Oh, hey, I WANT A BABY.
Never mind.
What were you saying again?

Posted by: Kira at November 11, 2004 5:39 PM

I have decided that you should be nominated the funniest blogger EVER. Not a visit passes here that I don't laugh out loud. Stop procrastinating, hurry up with that damn MS and get back here quick!

Posted by: Shelley at November 11, 2004 11:30 PM