November 8, 2004

More Great Big (Damp Nasty Germy) Love

Okay – this won’t make a lot of sense if you do not know about the GREAT! BIG! LOVE! So click already. Go on. Take the link. Double Dog Dare Ya.

The Great Big Love faded over the summer. They just didn’t SEE each other. But then – fall came, and our family and the family of beautiful Caroline went to the movies. So we get there and it’s PACKED and there are few places with seats for all us and Sam keeps us milling out in the aisle and won’t let us sit. We try to go in the aisle and he blocks us and foams rabidly and rearranges us all in terrible, nonsensical, yet ultra-casual ways until we figured out what he WANTED. Which was to sit by beautiful Caroline. And so, once we were all arranged THUSLY, he subsided and allowed us to troop in.

And Caroline was a great sport about it, really. She’s eleven and blooming and interested in lipgloss and he is a scabby-kneed creature who spends half his time as a ninja, slaughtering imaginary bug-people. So, it’s not like I see a big immediate FUTURE here. But if the kid wants to sit by her in the movies and moon, and if it does not mortify beautiful Caroline, then fine! Whatever.

Now, Caroline has very long hair. It’s streaky and pale and falls a good five inches below her shoulder blades. After the movie, the bottom half of her long luxurious locks were … wet. More than wet. Her hair was SOAKING. So her mom asks her what happened to her hair and she doesn’t want to say, and she doesn’t want to say. Until finally she cracks and says.

ALL THROUGH THE FILM, Sam was STEALNG little pieces of her hair and stuffing them surreptitiously into his mouth. He spent the ENTIRE FILM sucking covertly on the ends of her HAIR. And she would notice and take the piece of hair BACK, and then, a few minutes later, when she was rendered helpless and inattentive by a good action sequence, his little grubby paw would creep over and get another strand and tuck it into his mouth.

And I was thinking, LORD! BUT! MEN! ARE! WEIRD! Even in tiny BABY form they are just….weird. But then I reconsidered and OKAY, yes, that is BIZARRE. But maybe it isn’t men.

See, I remembered TODD. This boy in my elementary school. Who was moonfaced and stocky and towheaded and whenever I glanced at him indirectly his fledgling male beauty blinded me and sent me plummeting, dizzy and helpless, off of playground equipment. I was maybe eight. Todd was nine, so he was about as interested in girls as he was in International Politics or discovering a really good recipe for coq au vin. In fact, he actively thought of me as one of a tribe of disgusting foreign objects, riddled with cooties.

But OH how I loved him in my Fresh! Pink! Heart!

I used to take my LITTLE DEBBI SWISS CAKE ROLLS into the restroom and FRENCH KISS THEM, and then I'd sneak back into the lunchroom and offer them to TODD in this ultra-casual, I’m-just-not-hungry way. I would creep to the side and clutch the wall to stay upright, swooning as I watched him eat my spittle.

So. Maybe it isn’t men. It’s something though. EITHER it is LOVE, and LOVE IS WEIRD and makes you do bizarre things involving saliva, OR…it’s me. And I have poisoned my darling son with bizarro spit-fetish genes.

Tick tock tick tock… I am thinking.

I blame Love.

Posted by joshilyn at November 8, 2004 9:55 AM

*laughing so hard I'm having a hard time breathing* Beautiful Caroline is obviously as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside to not only put up with that, but to then try to protect him from embarrassment. Oh, how funny!

You know, years from now, he will realize you not only knew about this, but you wrote about it to the world, this thing that he thought was ultra-private and unknown, and he will die a million times over in sheer mortification. And then he will grow up some more and years after that he will laugh over it, too. :)

Posted by: Jensgalore at November 8, 2004 11:04 AM

Elise's boyfriend told her he "liked her 100%". Now he loves her 100%. He tells her he loves her every day. Sometimes she says it back. Sometimes she fires off something dismissive like, "I know". And I die a little inside, for all of the reasons you mentioned. I'm in awe of his innocent, uncomplicated affection for my girl.

His mom told me he fell asleep clutching Elise's headband to his chest with both hands not long ago.

Maybe it's not a saliva thing, maybe it's a hair thing?

Posted by: Dianna at November 8, 2004 11:12 AM

Oh that is so sweetly funny. So incredibly sweet that it makes me snort diet coke out my nose and smile about it.

I lub your blog, Joshilyn,....

Posted by: Heather McCutcheon at November 8, 2004 4:58 PM

That story is just too great! I can just see the little guy stuffing handfuls of hair in his mouth. *laughing out loud*

Posted by: CAD Monkey at November 8, 2004 10:40 PM

I'm so picturing this "scene" with all the fake movie theater light in a movie. I see the dark theater and the flickering light that only shows split second views of him sneaking her hair into his mouth. This needs to be in a movie.

Posted by: Brooks at November 9, 2004 2:21 AM

You realize that one day you will have to delete this entry. Pretty soon he and all his friends will be online and they will certainly know who you are and then OMG his life is OVER.

But what a tender romantic he is.

Posted by: jill at November 9, 2004 2:49 AM

Sounds like it's time to have That Talk... you know the one I mean... the one where you explain that if wants to continue to be the one "most like Christ" he can't be eating girls' hair.... ;)

Posted by: Mir at November 9, 2004 8:51 AM

Can!Not!Breathe! from laughing. But oh! How I miss him when you write about his adventures! And I SWEAR I will not tell Jack.

Posted by: Amy at November 9, 2004 2:45 PM

it's you. : )

Posted by: your brother at November 9, 2004 7:07 PM

So funny and so touching. Wow!

>> She’s eleven and blooming and interested in lipgloss and he is a scabby-kneed creature who spends half his time as a ninja, slaughtering imaginary bug-people. So, it’s not like I see a big immediate FUTURE here


And although love may be weird, men are very weird too. I am one, so I should know.

Posted by: Snobby at November 10, 2004 8:20 AM

Ok, I *knew* you were witty when we met. But I had no idea I'd have to keep a brown paper bag around while reading your blog! I nearly fell out of my chair from this post, laughing and snorting and hyperventilating.

And I'm laughing again right now, just from the visual.

I finally got a chance to come here this morning.
(Took me long enough, I know.)
Oh, I wish I had gotten here much sooner.

You have a gift. Thank you for sharing it with the rest of us. Can't wait until May 05!

Posted by: Monique at November 14, 2004 9:30 AM

Poisoned him with you genes - I love it.
I suppose there are worse traits that could be inherited. :)

Posted by: Keith of R.Electrons at November 15, 2004 7:51 PM

:dies laughing: Oh. Pray that TODD never finds this. Something tells me he'd be really turned on or really sick at this bit of knowledge.

I wonder if there's a proper term for people with Spit Fettishes. ;)

Posted by: Liberty at November 15, 2004 9:56 PM

94 Great posts.

Posted by: direct tv at December 3, 2004 8:33 AM