November 1, 2004

Touch Your What?!?!??

Julie came over and we took all four of our ratticake sugarhounds Trickertreating last night. A man was sitting out on his porch with a special treat for the kiddies. We approached the porch and he made the offer. Very baldly. It went something like this:

Man: Hey. Kids. Want to touch my piglet?

His exact words. LUCKILY he was clutching an actual alive piglet. So. He was NICE but he needed to rephrase. Badly. At any rate, I took him up on his offer and can now give you a bonafide piglet touching report.

Piglets have very damp, cool noses. Felt like a dog nose, but PREHENSILE. Tiny bit of creep factor there, imagine a long flat damp dognose the squirmed around. On the PLUS side, piglets are bristly LOOKING but softish feeling. This Piglet made very endearing snorky-snorky noises and pushed his head up into my hand. Either he liked being petted or he was an ITCHY piglet.

The touch-my-piglet man made TWO unsubstantiated claims.
1) He said it was a pot-bellied piglet but…it looked like a big old regular meat pig piglet to me. It was as big as a pot belly already and pink and fat and baby-faced and clearly preparing to explode into 40 – 60 pounds of hammy goodness. I think he was SAYING it was a potbellied piglet because they are classified as PETS and our neighborhood is not zoned for livestock. He BETTER NOT raise that piglet in his backyard like a neighborhood dog and then EAT IT.

2) He claimed the piglet was litterbox trained. He IMPLIED IT, actually.

Me: Is the piglet house trained?
Man: He HAS a litterbox.
Me: HAS or USES?
Man: Hey kid, you there, behind. Want to touch my piglet?


Two more things. Absolutely unrelated to, well, anything.

1) Yesterday c asked in Comments if gods in Alabama would be released in the UK. YES! YES IT WILL! And in AUSTRALIA! The rights sold at the big bookfair in Frankfurt. WHEEEEE! I am such a geek that all I can think is OMG!!! WILL IT HAVE A DIFFERENT COVER?!?!?

2) I have this friend I used to play Ultima Online with – really cool guy. He was going to make a new character, and if any of you GAME then you KNOW what a PAIN training a new character is. So, anyway, he made this character and he named him LION CLAW and he spent months working on him and building him up until the character was KICK BUTT and could, like, whup up on dragons and do all manner of quests and such. And then one day he realized that LO, all these many moons ago, he had MADE A TYPO. And his character he had spent hour upon hour developing was NOT NAMED LION CLAW AT ALL.

He was actually named….Loinclaw.

Which does NOT bear thinking about.
So. Anyone want to touch my piglet?

Posted by joshilyn at November 1, 2004 4:35 PM

Your blog is just too funny. My co-workers caught a laugh from it as well. How can anyone have so many funny experiences? Clearly I am not living enough. I am still laughing about LoinClaw.

Posted by: Joe at November 1, 2004 5:37 PM

Hey, I'll happily touch your piglet loooong before I want to have anything to do with a loinclaw.

Posted by: Kira at November 1, 2004 5:47 PM

My daddy games. Will have to share that story with him.

Posted by: Heather1 at November 1, 2004 6:14 PM

I don't want to touch your piglet, but I am oddly intrigued about touching a loinclaw. Oh my.

Posted by: Mir at November 1, 2004 6:57 PM

What was your blue point siamese like? This one was very indirect, but seemed to crave contact. I can't believe how beautiful it was.

No one ever had a piglet when I was a kid : (
I'm more than making up for that now, though

Posted by: amy at November 1, 2004 8:17 PM

OMG. so, first i'm hysterical with the Wanna Touch My Piglet story (i thought you were going to say touch my monkey, but that was a different story), THEN i read about LOINCLAW. oh dear me. i was trying to tell my dh the story and couldn't even TALK i was laughing so hard. rob said "well, i guess that's better than loinCLOTH"

Posted by: Kristen DeHaan at November 1, 2004 11:23 PM

I don't wanna touch no piglet. I hear, however, that pigs are actually quite intelligent, affectionate, and like to keep themselves as neat as cats do. This makes them good pets. The only reason they have the reputation they do is that farmers keep them in squalor where they're not able to show off their good side. Now cows, apparently, are really the dirty, stupid creatures.

What accent would a pig have if it spoke English?

What's Ultima Online (or offline, for that matter)?

Posted by: Surly at November 2, 2004 8:23 AM

Surly - It's an online game world made by Electronic Arts and if you do venture into it. I suggest the Sonoma server for general fun fun fun. From what I hear *looks innocent and sweet* top people of fine character come from that server.. for the most part..

As for Mr. Loinclaw.. fortunately he can pay to change his name. So he should look it up, least he get an invite from the Underpants guild.

Posted by: Klint at November 3, 2004 12:10 AM

NATICK, Mass. - One Massachusetts woman was a lot more generous to a Halloween trick-or-treater than she intended to be.

Seven-year-old Hunter Campbell’s candy haul included a 14-carat diamond engagement ring that slipped off a newlywed’s finger as she doled out treats in this town west of Boston.
14!!!! carat ring?

Posted by: Shawn B at November 3, 2004 11:17 AM

no. i don't want to touch your piglet.

Posted by: jack at November 3, 2004 2:09 PM

she must be one heckufa newlywed...

Didn't that young 'un who's always poppin outta her tops in concert tie the know recently? Brittney hilton or somethin?

Posted by: DLFP at November 3, 2004 6:06 PM be allowed to touch YOUR PIGLET!!! In a heartbeat......

I have got to tell Bane about Loinclaw..>TOOO Funny. We still miss you in game TONS! They have opened the new NINJA expansion pack...lots and lots of DECO pluffy.

OK, so about the cover.....was that NOT your idea and they just added that and if so, why???? I love battling dragons, but....anyway....

Klint, you and i need to talk thinks you might be one of those "hidden" GM's that's always coming around giving me smartass answers to my questions in game....

We miss ya Jos....and I hope that things are going well there.....did I miss a post on the job stuff for your hubby?????? .......

Ok...Gabi has to get back to work.....and writing....and making excuses NOT to write..and..and...and....HUGs!!!!!

Posted by: Gabi at November 4, 2004 12:04 PM

Loinclaw. I just lost my shit.

Posted by: Brooks at November 4, 2004 10:34 PM

7127 Great posts.

Posted by: direct tv at December 2, 2004 4:36 PM