October 22, 2004


The CONTEST TO WIN FREE THINGS is still going on. So. Enter. It will run all weekend while I am away at a retreat and when I return on Monday I will read all the entries and Announce the winner on, say, Tuesday? How does Tuesday work for you?

I am having an engorged, slug-colored, oozing, twitchy NERVE about the retreat. Mental illness number is ON THE MOVE. And it ain’t going DOWN. I am getting DECKLOADS of all new CRA-ZI-OH! cards. It’s like The CRA-ZI-OH! Women’s Retreat Expansion Pack.

Here is a TINY SAMPLE of all the cards I am taking with me…

1) Fear of not sleeping AT ALL. I am an insomniac from WAY BACK and being in a room with OTHER PEOPLE who are NOT MY HUSBAND and trying to sleep fills me with dread and loathing. So I packed Tylenol PM. Which brought on…

2) Fear of falling heavily into a drug-induced sleep while everyone else is still up chatting and so, all unbeknownst to me, I begin RELENTLESSLY TOOTING and TOOTING and TOOTING while everyone else in the room giggles and rolls their eyes at each other and the whole rest of the weekend there will be fart-jokes surging all around me, deadly fart-joke-ian currents under the calm surface of a peaceful looking sea, and everyone will get them but me, and snicker while I say "WHAT? WHAT?" and YEARS LATER people who go on this retreat will STILL be talking about the legendary farter that blasted a hole in bed nine.

3) NONE of my especial friends can make it to the retreat. Julie has to work, Jan has kid-stuffs she can’t miss, and Vicki is still nursing her youngest and so therefore her breasts can not leave the state. SO! Now I have Fear of being seated at lunch between two people who have their best friends on the other side of them who will each turn their backs to me while I sit in between their cruel spines picking at the leaves I am eating because I am horrified at being away from my aerobic step and my ankle weights so I KNOW I won’t eat anything, just LEAVES, moistened and salted only by my weeping.

PS – THREE has HAPPENED before. I went to a church luncheon once and was seated between two people’s backs. I NEVER SAW A HUMAN FACE. Not even a PROFILE. Oh , well I did see the profiles of the two people across from me as they spoke exclusively to each other and never looked across the table. And that was the last time we went to THAT church.

See, here’s the thing. NO ONE EVER BELIEVES ME WHEN I SAY THIS. NO ONE, EVER, except my husband who knows me to the bone. But here is the truth. I’m shy. When I say it out loud? People laugh and point. And snort and say, OH YEAH YOU ARE SHY. Because I am LOUD and I never SHUT UP. But secretly in my soft pink middle? I am deadly deadly shy and being around people I do not know well makes me frantic and nervous and lip chewy and terrorized. No one ever believes me because The Lord knows I give good Ramona. But I am. SO.

EXAMPLE: I have a new friend named Vicky. Vicky is teeny and God hit her upside the head VERY hard with the pretty stick. She’s like, TV pretty. When she first started hanging out with my little clot of especial friends I became convinced that she didn’t like me because I am tall and have a larger frame than she does and am a total klutz. I can trip over DUST MOTES. Now that was VERY unfair to her. Vicky is NOT shallow like that. But she is so TEENY and CUTE that I felt ogre-ish and outsize around her and I projected all this onto her and took me several weeks to resign myself to the fact that maybe I wasn’t this HORRID SHAMBLING MOUNTAIN OF BUMBLING OOZE and yes, she genuinely was trying to make friends with me instead of just putting up with me because she liked Jan and Julie.

Yes, that WAS a week when external forces had pushed my mental illness THROUGH THE ROOF, but HELLO, it’s up there this week too. BLAH! I better go pack. We who are about to alienate every potential future friend in the universe by Tylenol PM induced super-toots salute you.

Posted by joshilyn at October 22, 2004 10:21 AM

I regret to be the bearer of bad tidings, but this is not paranoia on your part. It is very likely that ALL THREE of those regrettable scenarios will occur.

Two of the three will most certainly happen, but the likelihood is greater that it will be all three.

A retreat? Even the word itself has negative connotations...

Posted by: #3 at October 22, 2004 10:40 AM

I believe you. Cause I am too. I used to be very outspoken and extroverted. Being a minister's wife and mommy changed me. I'm constantly worried I'll say somehting in jest and have it taken seriously or just generally embarrass myself and why would anyone like me anyway? Even I think I'm strange.

Posted by: Heather at October 22, 2004 11:40 AM

I like the name "Super Toots" over Tylenol PM. Downside is Super Toots is a name that would attract children as Super Toots is a way cool name than most candy names already out there. Also... coincidently Tylenol is doing these commecials pleading with people not to overdose on Tylenol and to go to a Doctor if the systoms keep on happening. Quite responsible of them I must say. Anyway.. if you are worried about Super Toots. Bring some beano and some tea that starts with C (sounds like Camo-meal but obviously my spelling is gown) and smells like hamster pee. And you should be okay. :) Have fun at the retreat! :) *yawn* <-- subtly will make you sleepy.

Posted by: Klint at October 22, 2004 5:55 PM

Hope the weekend went off without a hitch or toot ;)

Posted by: Linda Dupie at October 25, 2004 9:34 AM

For those of you who do not know this wonderful person, Joshilyn is what EVERY WOMAN quietly wishes she could be. She is beautiful, charming, witty, intellegent and genuine. She has this incredible way of always having the most perfect thing to say in every situation. And best of all, she is a wonderful mother! To know her is to love her and to be a better person for it.
(PS) Thanks for the oh-so-sweet things you said about me.

Posted by: Vicky at October 25, 2004 12:00 PM