October 17, 2004

Riddled by Disclaimers

I have to make a couple of disclaimers before I can even speak on the topic of the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.

DISCLAIMER 1: I readily acknowledge my complete and total failure as a housewife. I am untidy and dreadful and as long as the mold colonies that have established subdivisions and exclusive country clubs in my toilets aren't LOFTING SIGNS at each other that say "HELP! BUBONIC PLAGUE JUST MOVED IN AND THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD, DO NOT LET HIM USE THE TENNIS COURTS," then I think cleaning the bathroom can probably wait another day.

DISCLAIMER 2: I am married to a real man who eats quiche and does windows. He does at LEAST his share. And I whenever I can REMOTELY afford it, even if we have to EAT BEANS, I employ a maid service. SO what do I know about most cleaning products? NOT MUCH.

DISCLAIMER 3: I hate the animated character of Mr. Clean. The whole idea of him...the HATEFUL subtext...and especially The SONG. Oh, the song drives me up a tree. Let's sing it though. Let's sing it TOGETHER, since TALKING ABOUT IT has put it INEXORABLY in my head for the next NINE HUNDRED YEARS. But hey I KNOW! Let's rewrite the lyrics so it is honest.

Sing to the tune of the Mr. Clean song:

My husband is such a jerk
he will not help me with my housework
but my special cleaning product
has a big, gay friend to help me!
Mr. Cle--ee-eean!!!!!

Because a girl needs a clean floor or she will be UNFULFILLED AS A WOMAN. And STRAIGHT men, obviously, can not mop. It would wither their sperms. And if your cleaning product came with a straight man, your withery-spermed husband would be threatened. But HEY, the GAY guy doesn't have anything better to do. He might as well pop in a utilitarian housework earring and come by YOUR place so y'all can do the FLOORS. Because as a DUMB GIRL you are incapable of doing the floors without a BIG MANLY (but unthreateningly gay) MOP PUSHER, and as a dumb girl, if the floors aren't clean you might as well OFF YOURSELF NOW BEFORE YOU BREED MORE UNWOMANLY MUTANTS.

It's CONTRADICTORY. It's OFFENSIVE. And the jingly little tune drives me UP! A! TREE!

But, taking all the above as givens. I still have to say...

THE MR. CLEAN MAGIC ERASER IS THE VERY BEST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO THE WORLD OF CLEANING PRODUCTS AND IT WILL TAKE ENTIRE CRAYON MURALS RIGHT OFF THE WALL LIKE MAGIC, LIKE MAGIC I TELL YOU, GENTLY AND WITHOUT HARMING YOUR PAINT ERADICATING THE MASSIVE MULTI-COLORED VOMITORIOUS MESS OF WOBBLY SCRIBBLE SCRABBLE THAT THE BABY SWEARS IS A DOG. *pant pant*

Come home, Mr. Clean. All is forgiven.

Posted by joshilyn at October 17, 2004 6:51 AM
Comments

Do you realize who will find this blog entry and give you all sorts of unfriendly spam? Very funny, but I pitty your poor eyes. Thanks always for the entertainment.

Posted by: joe at October 17, 2004 10:35 AM

How much caffeine did you have before this post? Woah.

Magic Erasers also take the scuffs off of little kid dress shoes. And grass stains off of sneakers. And the grey streaks my son's Medic Alert bracelet makes along every. single. wall.

In short, we heart the Magic Eraser.

Posted by: Mir at October 17, 2004 12:49 PM

OK, I think you spend WAY too much time analyzing advertising jingles (did you take a college course 'cuz I haven't seen that much analyzation of a commercial since one of my college classes years ago, although yours was much funnier), but I have to agree, I LOVE the Magic Erasers too. It truly is magic.

Posted by: Linda Sherwood at October 17, 2004 2:32 PM

*snort*

Posted by: Heather at October 17, 2004 4:13 PM

It gets out permanent green marker. Of course, then everyone was mad at me for getting out the green marker, but it was gone! And I was glad! For a few minutes until it was made known to me that I had destroyed precious childhood memories.

Boy, I love this new house. And the Magic Eraser that helps me keep from losing our security deposit.

Posted by: Jensgalore at October 17, 2004 10:48 PM

It will also take off linseed oil, danish oil, motor oil, and accumulated sawdust stuck to said oil, plus random scary black marks left on the door leading into the house from the woodhop...

Posted by: Christina at October 18, 2004 11:18 AM