October 8, 2004

JCO and the Crapulence

My friend D-Jay Linketty-Link has been trolling the web again, this time to prove that there IS such a thing as a pointy headed nose viper. THANKS, JAY! YOU’RE COOL, JAY ! I WILL NEVER ASLEEP AGAIN! JAY!

I feel like I could have gone my WHOLE LIFE without seeing that and been PERFECTLY FINE. So of course I had to share it with you. If only to ask…what is THAT GUY’S mental illness number, huh? I don’t think I can COUNT that high. Guys like him do make me feel pretty good about ME, even as I am giving the entire neighborhood colon-blasting cookies and having a sudden and uncontrollable urge to LEARN MACRAME so I can inflict HANGING PLANT BASKETS or every hapless relative I possess. Compared to NOSE VIPER GUY, I’m like the poster child for brain-wellness.

OKAY, now the crapulence. It is squatting on my house like Joyce Carol Oates if she was NOT a well-respected and famously prolific author. More like if she was a crop-blight. More like if Joyce Carol Oates could split herself into seven hundred THOUSAND tiny pieces and each one was a starving locust. (DIGRESSION: I kind of suspect that Joyce Carol Oates CAN split herself into seven hundred thousand pieces, but if I am correct, if she can? In her defense, let me say that none of the pieces have scissoring, cruel mandibles that they use to ravage the crops of peaceful villagers. JCO’s pieces are ALL much too busy WRITING NOVELS. Seriously. That woman can turn out a novel – and usually a darn GOOD novel – in less time than your speediest Granny can knit an afgan. Even if the granny was hopped up on crank, just ONE tiny slice of JCO could KICK HER BUTT.)

OH! Another digression --- This is BAD SCIENCE (sorry, Kim) but oh well. I have here used SQUATTING and JOYCE CAROL OATES in this entry without any of the other trouble words. I am going to watch this entry to see what manner of foul spam it attracts! Which will prove…NOTHING. Because I have no control post with JUST squatting and another with just JCO, but it WILL entertain me and MAYBE even keep me out of bars.

Okay the bad crapulence is this: Remember the whole thing about we JUST MOVED and I am in my DREAM HOUSE and I am happy as whole crowds of clams? Yeah. Well. Three weeks later, the company decides to shut down its Atlanta office. Heh.

If Scott wants to stay in his industry, we have to do A BAD THING that starts with M and rhymes with Prove and I am SO VIOLENTLY AGAINST IT I won’t even say it out loud. But we would have to go to one of four places:

1) Earthquake Central.
Pros: My good friend Jill lives there! HI JILL.
Cons: SO far from my family, HUGE cost of living increase, FILLED with grain-and-nutburgers who will encourage my inner food lunatic until I am living on macrobiotic tofutti-creamcicles.

2) Murder Capitol USA
Pros: Close to Family. Still the South. Julietta is there if she can stop macking on her new hot architect for fifteen minutes and remember she's my friend.

3) Nip/Tuckleyworld
Pros: Near Disneyworld, a chance to FINALLY really become bi-lingual or at least raise kids who are (it’s shameful NOT to speak at least two languages) and also, Christian Troy MIGHT REALLY EXIST!!!!
Cons: Far from family, Roaches as big as your head, and Christian Troy

Pros: The only Pros in the CESS PIT are the hookers. I am not going. I HATE it there. I would sooner pick the rinds of bologna from the TRASH of my NEIGHBORS than go live in this hateful hateful crapulent place.
Cons: Who cares, I am not stinking moving there the end.

So. I have NO IDEA what will happen next. And I hate that because I DO SO enjoy the illusion of control. But oh well. Tra La La!

Look!!! This appears to be me, rolling with it.

Posted by joshilyn at October 8, 2004 6:32 AM

Yes, that sounds like extreme crapulance, alright. Yuck. Thank goodness you have a nice clean colon with which to face it.

(Oh, and hang in there.)

Posted by: Mir at October 8, 2004 10:43 AM

I had no clue the book your writing is to be released December 31, 1969. Says so right here


Posted by: Dan at October 8, 2004 12:11 PM

Yes, Mir, a tidy colon and an amazon entry apparently!

PS shhhhh Dan you big SPOILER -- A Google-master, you are, because that JUST showed up this morning post-today's entry! I am blogging about that tomorrow. *grin*


Posted by: joshilyn at October 8, 2004 12:21 PM

I am so sorry to hear about the crapulence. :( But, "Murder capital of the USA"? Which murder capital? There are so many to choose from! Washington, Detroit, Odessa, Chicago, LA, Gary, Miami ... ;)

Posted by: Jensgalore at October 8, 2004 4:21 PM


It wasn't Washington, even though that city's mayor offered up one of my all time favorite quotes, "If you don't count the murders, Washington DC has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."

That never fails to give me the chuckles.

Posted by: Mr. Husband at October 8, 2004 4:43 PM

OMG. :( I am so sorry to hear about the crapulance. ESPECIALLY after finding and not only fining.. BUT GETTING.. an awesome home. To bad you can't take it with you. Well maybe you can.. plan wise. :) But still. OUCH. :(

Anyway on #3.. on the roaches. They can fly. I use to live in St. Petersburg. And well they fly. Other than that.. though my cousin calls Orlando "Bore"lando.. I hear it's a pretty interesting place. OH and they have these things they call love bugs. That bite. And they are really really bad. It's like this 1 inch puss/zit that forms where they bite you. But other than that Florida pretty interesting.

By the way whats the "Cess Pit"?

Posted by: Klint at October 8, 2004 6:13 PM

ROTFL at the Washington quote.

BTW - gods in Alabama is already on my Amazon wish list!

Posted by: Jensgalore at October 8, 2004 8:32 PM

Do. Not. Move. Unless it's to Kansas City! There you have my (admittedly biased and somewhat selfish) advice. But don't. I don't think Julie could stand it. :)

Posted by: Amy at October 9, 2004 9:29 AM