October 3, 2004

Virtue Cookies

Thanks to the BIG CRAPULANCE that is squatting on my house, I am having conflicting desires.
1) I desire to eat BEAUTIFUL COMFORTING SUGAR. I would like to walk around lapping up great granulated mouthfuls of the stuff, straight. I could put it in a nosebag and attach it to my face.
2) I desire to drop 5 - 7 pounds over the next six weeks in preparation for the Holiday Food Orgy that is fast approaching.

There has to be a happy medium between EATING ALL THE COOKIES THAT CURRENTLY EXIST IN NORTH AMERICA and not having cookies at all. But if I MAKE or BUY cookies. I will eat them all. Immediately.

Solution? Make TERRIBLE cookies. Make AWFUL gritty disgusting cookies chock full of VIRTUE and NUTRITION. Then when desperate I can choke a couple down. SO! I had a mission!

I went to Publix and started looking for possible ingredients that
a) Sound/smell/look like nothing a human would want to ingest
b) Are so fibrous they say “ONE TABLESPOON KEEPS YOU REGULAR! FOREVER!” on the label
c) Can even so probably be made into cookies. Preferably somewhat edible cookies.

AND I WON! I found my key ingredient! I came home VERY pleased and prepped for an experimental Bake-A-Thon while my husband skeptically watched me unpack my wholesome groceries.

Me: Publix is carrying Flaxseed meal now!
Him: And Birkenstocks? One assumes?
Me: Shut up! I am going to INVENT HEALTHY COOKIES!
Him: And grow out your leg hair?

I hit the web and found a SHOCKING number of cookie recipes with flaxseed meal in them. And not just COOKIES! People are VOLUNTARILY putting this crap in EVERYTHING! I found recipes for TUNA NOODLE FLAXSEED CASSEROLE. Fancy!

After a few DREADFUL FAILED PROBLEMS, I came up with a combination of about three existing flaxseed meal cookie recipes and threw in a few ideas of my own to up the FIBER count further. And INVENTED WORKING COOKIES. I was going to name them "Virtue Cookies," or possibly "Certifiable Loon Cookies" but then I called my friend Lily to tell HER about them and together we came up with a MUCH better name for when we market our entire product line of WING-NUTTY FOODS (now with Horse Medicine!) and become Billionaires. So, I proudly present to you:

Mrs. Colon’s Butterscotch Scrubber-Dubbers

1/2 c. butter, softened
1/2 c. packed brown sugar
1/3 c. granulated sugar
1 vegetarian free-range Omega-3 Boosted hen egg
1 tsp. vanilla
1/2 c. flour
½ c. whole wheat flour
3/4 cup old fashioned oats (NOT quick cooking or instant, Use REAL oats!)
2/3 c. flaxseed meal
1 tsp. baking soda
¼ c. skim milk
1 c. Butterscotch Chips (optional, but you are on crack if you do not put these in. These are the GOOD part.)

Walnuts with or raisins instead of Butterscotch chips might not go amiss, if you like that sort of thing.

Preheat oven to 350
In bowl 1, Cream butter, refined sugar, and brown sugar. Beat the egg and vanilla into the mixture. In bowl 2, Mix flour, wheat flour, oats, flaxseed meal and baking soda together.
Combine contents of both bowls, add milk and stir 'till soft dough forms. Mix in Butterscotch chips and/or walnuts.
Drop by level tablespoons, 2" apart on ungreased cookie sheets. Makes about 3 1/2 dozen, unless you eat a bunch of dough and get salmonella from the raw egg.

Bake for 4 - 5 minutes on the top rack of the oven, then move the pan to the bottom rack and cook for 4 - 5 more minutes. IF YOU DO NOT DO IT THIS WAY THEY WILL BURN UP AND BE GROSSER THAN THEY ALREADY ARE FROM HAVING FLAXSEED MEAL IN THEM. Let them cool and then eat them. No, really. Eat them. Do not be afraid! They keep you regular! And they ALMOST TASTE GOOD!

No, no, they DO taste good. SCOTT ate them. Of course, he had to march around the house singing “She can bring home the Country Morning bacon-shaped soy strips, fry them up in a pan…” etc etc, while he did it. And he calls them “Digestive Biscuits.” BUT HE IS EATING MORE OF THEM EVEN AS I TYPE.

If you do not trust his jaded palate (and the man has after all been married to me for ten years and has therefore endured QUITE A FEW culinary shenanigans), consider THIS:
My KIDS ate them. AND the neighborhood kids ate them. ALL OF THEM asked for more and MANY of them recognized the objects they were hoovering up as cookies.

Posted by joshilyn at October 3, 2004 5:53 AM

Oh, honey. No. No no no NO. Everyone who ate of those and asked for more? Is going to be up all night pooping. I am mother to the world's most constipated child and I am telling you that flaxseed is nasty business for those who don't suffer from intestinal cement formation. Be afraid.

Posted by: Mir at October 3, 2004 1:57 PM

Yes, you are very virtuous. Imagine if you were even more virtuous, like, say, me, and invented a flaxseed cookie recipe sweetened with honey and not sugar. Because sugar is BAD, KILL KILL. Plz pass the chocolate kthx.

Actually, your virtue is really more virtuous than mine could ever be because you shared your motility-inducing cookies with the world, and I am still squatting over mine.

PS Chocolate-covered raisins are a good, if slighty sugary, addition.

Posted by: jill at October 3, 2004 10:35 PM


Posted by: AGK at October 5, 2004 9:07 AM

I can't take the suspense. What is the big fat crapulance? You've only told us the little ones.

Posted by: Bonnie at October 5, 2004 10:56 AM

Interesting. I have just begun adding flax seed oil to my diet. I'll have to look over these recipes closer.

Posted by: Mrs Darling at October 5, 2004 11:11 AM