October 1, 2004

Dear House, I heart you. Love, Joss

I have decided I am all about hiring cleaning service again if I can find the money....I had to fire my GOOD CHEAP ONE because they were making me CRAZY by showing up either 4 hours late or 4 hours early, WHATEVER IT TOOK to speed up or delay their arrival so they could arrive on the EXACT day at the EXACT hour I had arranged childcare so I could write.

This happened like, SIX TIMES IN A ROW. It got SILLY.
I would say YES PLEASE my house is a STY please come but it HAS to be done before NOON because at noon the baby is going to my friend Julie’s and I have to work and you know I work from home.
They would say OKAY! SEE YOU AT EIGHT AM! Then they would take ginsu knives to their own tires or go all Munchausen’s and force their children to projectile vomit or get lost in a swamp or just sit outside in my bushes GIGGLING and waiting until they saw the baby leave. And THEN they would ring the doorbell.

Which might not have been that big a deal EXCEPT this was in the old house. My dining room with 2 HUGE OPEN DOORWAYS was my office. It was open to the entire downstairs. In they would come, rattling their cheerful buckets, ready to make my life better, prepared to be greeted with smiles and diet cokes and my usual SLAVERING gratitude that I feel is the RIGHTFUL DUE of any human being willing to take responsibility for scrubbing out my plague soaked evil toilets.

But instead of my usual Pavlovian delighted prancing, they would be met with a glare and a terse HI. YOU ARE FOUR HOURS LATE AGAIN AND I AM WORKING. I HAVE A DEADLINE. AND THIS IS THE FIRST 10 MINUTES OF THE ONLY TWO HOURS THIS WHOLE FREAKIN WEEK I DON’T HAVE THE BABY HERE. PS HI.

Then they'd say SORRY and troop in and they would tiptoe around PALPABLY being QUIET and pecking at the fixtures with soft and silent dustrags and HUNCHING UP their backs to CREEP past each doorway and asking PERMISSION for each part of the cleaning process... "Is it okay to vacuum while you work? Is it okay to run the water? Is the squeak of the mop TROUBLING YOU?" and so on and suchforth until I KILLED THEM AND STUFFED THEIR BODIES IN THE PANTRY where they are to this day, one assumes, smelling up the new owner's soup can labels.

But now that we are moved I have AN ACTUAL OFFICE with doors THAT SHUT. So even if they came RIGHT during my working hours, I could shut the doors and then not have to commit mayhem and bodily harm on women that I always used to greet with palm fronds and parades through the kitchen on the back of donkeys because HEY WHY NOT, the floor was just about to meet it’s long-lost friend, the mop, anyway.

I love this house.

Posted by joshilyn at October 1, 2004 10:03 AM

"I killed them and stuffed their bodies in the pantry" made me spray coffee out of my nose. But it was worth it.

Posted by: Amy at October 1, 2004 10:35 AM

Lady you are just hilarious! I would give anything to have a housecleaning service come in. But then I suppose it would be a waste of money since I'm a stay at home mom. But a woman can dream can't they!

Posted by: Mrs Darling at October 1, 2004 9:18 PM

It's too bad you had to kill them, but sometimes that's the way it goes. Here's hoping the new cleaners are stunning, and timely.

Posted by: Mir at October 2, 2004 9:29 AM

I used to clean houses for a living. I loved it. Best job I've ever had. Women would cry for joy as they stuffed dollar bills in my mop bucket. What other kind of job gives you that kind of appreciation?

Posted by: Jensgalore at October 5, 2004 12:23 AM