August 28, 2004

blind with the tireds

The bad news: Everythign I own (except this computer) is in a box

The good news: All the boxes are in MY NEW HOUSE.

SO I am being quiet because of moving, but hey, how about a movie review!
Why thanks, you say, Don't mind if I do so Cut me a small piece of movie review and do not stint on the frosting.

OKAY I say because as it happens I saw one. On nights when I am physically and mentally blown, I have to have TV to go to sleep…and last night I was SO blown. And there we were in a new house with NO CABLE YET, so I went out and rented a movie to rock myself to slumber land. WELL, it is a weekend so NO new releases were in… DIGRESSION: THIS IS WHY I HEART NETFLIX but oops with mail forwarding and all, I did not get my netflix today. SO. I rented an OLDY --- A movie called City of Angels, starring Nicholas Cage after he quit shaving his chest hair into the shape of an eagle and Meg Ryan before she had half her butt-fat injected into her lips.

You think you want to see this movie too? Missed it the first time around? Hmm. Okay then. Go take an IQ test. Then have your bowl of Cheerios take it. If you score significantly lower than your bowl of Cheerios, rush right out and buy the special edition DVD. You'll really, really like it. As for the rest of you, RENT SOMETHING ELSE.

If you STILL want to rent it, then quit reading this blog right now because I am about to spoil it, if it is possible to spoil a movie that is made entirely out of Velveeta cheese. (HINT: It is impossible to spoil Velveeta. After the third world war that wipes humanity from the place of the planet, Velveeta will rise up and compete with bees and roaches to become the next sentient life forms. PS I am rooting for bees.)

THE SPOILER: Meg Ryan dies. UGH UGH. She is too stinkin’ cute to die. She shouldn't even attempt it. This is SO HEAVILY FORESHADOWED that you ought to know this ten minutes into the film, but then you think to yourself, "Oh, surely not. Oh, surely they wouldn't telegraph her death so broadly if she was really, really, actually going to DIE. RIGHT??? RIGHT??"

Wrong. She dies. And it isn't even like I hated the movie because she died so tragically and I wept and OH THE HUMANITY. It's an irky stupid death that involves a LOGGING TRUCK. A LOGGING TRUCK? You say. SURELY NOT. But Alas, I sorrow to tell you, it is so.

In my head I kept hearing, "I'm a lumberjack and I'm ok, I kill Meg Ryan and I sleep all day." Clunky, terrible plot device. It's actually not a completely bad movie up until Meg Ryan bites it and Nicholas Cage starts spouting IMPOSSIBLY sentimental lines like, "I would rather have picked one booger from her nose and then watched a logging truck smash her than spend eternity with out her." UGH UGH.

THE GOOD PART: the angels are so placid. They stand around and perch on things and move v.e.r.y. s.l.o.w.l.y. We don't have to watch the tired, old oooooh they walk through walls sort of special effect that has been done to beyond-death ever since Ghost reared it's stupid "Demi-cries-on-cue" head 20 years ago. They simply are where they need to be next with no fanfare or popping around. This could have been 800% more fascinating though, if PEOPLE hadn't been so EQUALLY placid in this movie.

I wish the director had thought to himself, "Hmmm, chaos versus order....Hmmm What about THAT?" Instead it is just placid order versus MORE placid order. Not very exciting. Angels can hear people's thoughts in this film, and if people had been wildly chaotic, unorganized systems that babbled and sang and flip floppied all over themselves and wept and screamed and bubbled and foamed, AND IF MEG RYAN HADN'T SMASHED HERSELF UP UNDER A STUPID LOGGING TRUCK, this could have been a very nice film. Instead, the inside of humanity's collected heads is a nice but sleepy place where people think to themselves. “I think after supper, I shall kill myself, Or make tea, Whatever….” in the same ordered, polite language in which they ask someone to please pass the donuts.

As a final note, as a methodist – and not just ANY methodist, but one who was raised in the wilderness by untamed honey-and-locust eating fundamentalists (HI DAD!) I HATED how angels in the movies get to earth and IMMEDIATELY rush on out and break 3 or 4 commandments. It seems like they would know better, having been angels and all. It seems like EX-ANGELS wouldn’t so NONCHALANT about MORTAL SIN. At any rate, If you do rent this ancient problem-child- And you have been warned - but if you WANT IT and NO ONE CAN STOP YOU, then flip off the tv and go for Brusters Cones right after Meg Ryan says, "Mr. and Mrs. Plate." Up until that point, it's at least bearable.

Posted by joshilyn at August 28, 2004 7:06 PM
Comments

YES! One of the worst movie endings since what's-her-face dumps Ducky in Pretty In Pink (which I know you also hate). On the plus side, it's impressive that you were able to stay awake to even SEE the end, considering the move and all. BTW, CONGRATULATIONS!!! Happy new house!

Posted by: Amy at August 28, 2004 9:36 PM

I saw that movie on my very first date, and I loved the song, "Iris" by goo goo dolls. You are so right about the ending though.

Posted by: Heather at August 28, 2004 10:18 PM

I always thought the video from that movie (is it for the Goo Goo Dolls song?) was pretty much as much of the movie as anyone needed to see. Sorry to hear your first movie in the new place was such a letdown.

Posted by: Mir at August 28, 2004 11:44 PM

Really, if you want angels in your movie rent Prophesy. It has a definite creepy-side bent to it, but a thoroughly enjoyable film with no logging trucks to be seen, much less to smash into your ingénue.

Posted by: Mr. Husband at August 29, 2004 11:03 AM

Thanks for the ending update. It didn't spoil a thing. I have horrible impulse control. I have moviepoopers.com on my favorites list. I look at the last page of a book to see if my favorite characters are still alive. I even pooped the olympics since they are 8-9 hours ahead. My family is very ashamed of my nasty little habit! I hint for a new movie...open water is not exactly a big pick me up.

Posted by: allison at August 29, 2004 11:49 PM