August 16, 2004

Mr. and Mrs. Weirdo Pervert

In the new house we are having a here-to-fore UNHEARD OF LUXERY. A guest bedroom! No more will the hapless souls who visit our domicile be forced to flip and toss on the Back Pain Futon of Unkind Humpi-Lumps while listening to my youngest child snork her noisy way through toddler dreamland.

Guests will be greeted with their own room, complete with a ceiling fan and a lovely view of the driveway and in the center they shall find….an ACTUAL BED. Comforter, dust ruffle, four posts, head and foot boards, real feather pillows and a BRAND NEW firm Sealy pillow top mattress. Heck, SCOTT AND I don’t even have a bed. We just have a metal frame holding our mattress a few inches above the squalor. SO! It’s luxurious. And the guest bedroom furniture is ALL FREE, which is the main thing. THANKS MOM AND DAD! (They are gifting us with my bedroom set from when I was a munchkin)

The only thing we have to buy is the mattress, which we did, today. Found a GREAT deal on it too. Scott and I were taking turns lying down on it to test the firmness when my 7 year old son. Sam, came up to us.

Sam: MOM! Can we get a TEMPER PENIS?
Me: Um what?
Sam: A TEMPER PENIS. Let’s get that! It has a remote control!

The little saleslady with her flippy mod hair cut and I googled at him openmouthed, both of us envisioning enraged male genitalia. Enraged robotic genitalia. With a remote, no less.

Me: Maybe you better show me this thing, eh?

He did, and then we spent a moment on phonics and exactly how to say temperPEDIC. PEDDDDDDDDDDIC. PED D D D D IC. (Let me say, the irony of telling your seven year old, “Do not say Penis, say PEE – DIC, hon” is not lost on me. I am just trying to take the high road here, folks.)

We get that straightened out, and I explain, no, we can NOT get the temperPEDIC with space foam body melding technology and remote control level adjusters for easy TV watching and even easier direct pressure and elevation if you happen to be bleeding out. WHY? Because I am not spending more on a guest bedroom mattress than I spent on my CAR. SO. We head back across the store toward the mattress I actually want to buy, and on the way we pass some furniture for sale. Including a bed.

It was a SERIOUS bed. It had a canopy frame about nine feet high and all manner of mosquito netting and romantic sheer draperies swooping all over enveloping it in a misty haze, so it looked like it had a Stephanie Powers/Hart to Hart style close-up contract and could only legally be filmed through cheesecloth.

Me; Yeah, that’s some bed.
Sam: Is that a privacy marriage bed?
Me: (to mod-hair saleslady) I swear we are not weirdo perverts. He just read pedic wrong and as for the bed, um. I dunno. Your guess is as good as mine. But we are not weirdo perverts. I swear.
Her: (very! overly! brightly!) Okay! Why don’t we just ring you up then!

Posted by joshilyn at August 16, 2004 5:46 AM

How did I manage to laugh before I read this blog?

Posted by: Heather at August 16, 2004 9:12 AM

Privacy marriage bed...oh, can't breathe...temperPENIS...wait, wait *gasp*...
This is just SO MUCH MORE funny since it's not my kid!
And don't worry, it could have been worse. He could have looked at the bed and declared it a "Happy fun party bed for mommy and her man friend."
That would be worse.

Posted by: Kira at August 16, 2004 2:45 PM

OH lord, I was snorting with laughter. Teehee

Posted by: Tiff at August 16, 2004 6:53 PM

Not penis pee-dic. Are you sure you want to take the high road?!?!. You are oh so more grown up than I am.

Posted by: allison at August 16, 2004 11:38 PM

ROFLOL!! Oh, I love how kids can make us feel like we must be crazy. :-D

Posted by: Stacey at August 17, 2004 7:17 AM

Reading this was ALMOST as good as being with you in person - but not quite. No fair making the preggo pee herself from laughter!

Posted by: Amy Wilson at August 17, 2004 9:29 AM

Seriously. I totally LOVE YOU!!! hahahahaha. You had me ROLLING with the "envisioning enraged male genitalia. Enraged robotic genitalia. With a remote, no less." bit.... *wipes tears* Ohhhhmigoodness. It's just too much.

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