August 10, 2004

CRA-ZI-OH!

TODAY I VANQUISH the recalcitrant chapter 13. I will update before 2 PM unless I do NOT make my goal in which case I will slink away in shame and not mention it and pretend I never publicly vowed a mighty vow.

MEANWHILE, I am back on South Beach Phase 2 recovering from my vacation, and while I am taking the last 2 pounds of my vacation weight off, I decided to try and lose another 5. In the deepest pink folds of my ridiculous heart I think that if I could ONLY get seven pounds off, I would suddenly become an incredibly valuable human being. I would be sort of like Gandhi, if his main contribution to humanity had been "wearing a size 8."

My mental illness number is apparently on the rise (THANKS, DEADLINE! THANKS! THANKS A LOT! LOVE YA, DEADLINE! JUST BE YOU! NEVER CHANGE!), so I INVENTED A GAME. It's based on YU-GI-OH. Anyone with boy children between 5 and 15 probably knows YU-GI-OH. It is a card game and you have monsters with levels and points and you play your cards, engaging your friends' monsters in battles etc etc.

Anyway, my son recently acquired a YU-GI-OH battle wrist card-dueler thing. It Velcros to your forearm and opens out into a big FAN and you can lay your YU-GI-OH cards out on the fan part and start a YUGI WAR with another 7 year old boy who has one strapped to HIS wrist. It SNAPS shut with a pinching clatter so it is a forbidden toy for babies named Maisy who are two and who are mine. It looks like the cruel device the Inquisition would have come up with if they had the technology to make plastic and wanted to torture little sisters.

Anyway. I want to get YU-GI-OH-style wrist battle-fans for all my friends, but ours would be PINK and we will make up our own cards. This is the titular CRA-ZI-OH! CRA-ZI-OH cards have your own personal quirks and weirdnesses on them and you battle it out to see who is most frighteningly bizarre in their brain parts.

My cards, for example, would include "having to be prescription level sedated before I can SIT in a dentists chair" and "Only cooking on the two back burners of the stove because I am afraid hot food on the front burners will LEAP down and scald the faces of my passing children. Or my children 2 rooms away in the den. Or my children visiting their grandmother in another state." Boiling food can apparently leap for HUNDREDS OF MILES if you are foolish enough to put it on a front burner. And of course I would have my "No matter what I weigh I want to weigh 7 pounds less" card. *sigh*

I KNOW rationally even if I became a walking bone with a scrap of fatless skin-flesh stretched tightly over it, I would still not be happy with my body because 1) I am an American Female and 2) I have a near terminal case of White Girl Butt. My butt is naturally about as wide and flat as Kansas. And of course White Girl Butt shaves a full two inches away from your soul, making you somewhat less than a worthy human being.

Oh wait! Look! Another card! BEAT THAT ONE!

Posted by joshilyn at August 10, 2004 8:44 AM
Comments

I DEFEAT your White Girl Butt card with my SEVEN MILLION EXCUSES FOR NOT DATING CARD.
You cannot defeat that one, as you have only one excuse - the whole married thing.
THEN I follow up that blistering defeat with the swift parry of my Whatever I Say Or Do Somehow Causes My Sons Permanent Damage card.
I SMOKE at Cra-Zi-Oh!

Posted by: Kira at August 10, 2004 10:42 AM

lol... followed you here from a momwriters post you made. *snort* I have found a new regular read. :o)

Posted by: Heather at August 10, 2004 2:21 PM

I have seen your butt and I have seen Kansas And the two have NOTHING in common whatsoever. And yes, you can take that as a compliment because you certainly know how I feel about Kansas.

Posted by: Amy Wilson at August 17, 2004 9:40 AM