August 5, 2004

Sandmen

All fetuses are girls. Then at some point, some cell or organ or brain-switch gets toggled, and either the baby stays a girl or it gets inundated with male sex hormones and grows itself some little male apparatuses and oh my friends, once your sweet and gentle fetus gets that testosterone bath, it’s all over. It may look like a brine shrimp, but what you have there, plotting world domination from inside your uterus, is a teeny tiny man.

On vacation, my seven year old son, Sam, chased a BEACH BUG out of the weeds. It was green and gold and SHINY. It had long bendy legs and was exceptionally pretty. Sam is, however, a seven year old manling. SO. His immediate response was to try and remove it from the earth via sand bomb. I said, NO NO, HE IS PRETTY, LEAVE HIM ALONE. GO PLAY IN THE WAVES. He scampered off, thwarted, and I watched this bug pant and hug the earth all flat and nervous.

The bug was just starting to toddle away, shaken but whole, when my 13 year old nephew came along. He followed my line of sight, saw the bug and ... sand bombed it. He had better aim than Sam and pegged it. I said NO NO, HE IS PRETTY, LEAVE HIM ALONE. GO PLAY IN THE WAVES. So he went down to join Sam and I dug the bug out. It seemed fine, but it was panting and hugging the earth all flat and nervous again.

It was just starting to toddle off AGAIN when I see another sand bomb land on top of it, a HUGE one, burying it deep enough to cause bug-smotheration, assuming it was not instantly crushed. QUIT IT! I shrieked, digging the bug out, and looked up to see my 63 year old FATHER readying another Bug Annihilator.

GODD GRIEF DO YOU PEOPLE NEVER CHANGE? I hollered, making my hands into a protective tent over the now eternally psychologically scarred buglet.

What people? Asked my father, mildly, packing sand into an efficient weapon.

MEN, YOU MEN PEOPLE, I said, keeping the bug in the tent. I JUST SAVED THAT BUG FROM SAM, THEN DANIEL, NOW YOU. DO YOU NEVER CHANGE???

Not really, said Daddy, and he kissed my head and went off to play in the waves.

Posted by joshilyn at August 5, 2004 9:08 AM
Comments

Wow. How do you make a sand bomb?

*pause*

*crickets in the background*

*scampers off to play in the waves (www.noaa.gov)*

Posted by: Klint at August 5, 2004 12:07 PM

Ah yes, the sand bomb. It's part of the upgrade we men folk get in the womb. It's a nice package that comes with the requisite plumbling, perceived indestructability, and a penchant for chasing after pretty girls.

Really, would you want us any other way?

Posted by: Mr. Husband at August 5, 2004 12:59 PM

So...
who finally killed the bug?

Posted by: Dark Lord Fancy Pants at August 5, 2004 4:07 PM

.........the bug was one of 10,000,000 squared. Not only that, he lived. He really NEEDED that second bomb. (Does this sound defensive??)

Posted by: The Father at August 6, 2004 3:02 PM

Sheesh...men ;)

Posted by: AGK at August 7, 2004 6:21 AM

I am so glad to hear that Mr. Husband did not kill the bug. I tried so hard to teach him "kind and gentle" in spite of the testosterone!!!

Posted by: Jane at August 7, 2004 8:09 PM

Good Read

Posted by: Andrew L at November 5, 2004 8:38 PM