July 9, 2004

Poisoned Pens

I have sun poisoning in spite of frequent application of 45 sunblock.... So lily is my whiteness that I am going to have to get a BIG FLOPPY HAT and a 1920's throat to ankles bathing costume to survive my upcoming family week at the beach.

I have been entertaining myself in my red, peeling, blotchy, poisoned suffering by surfing around look at writing contests.

THE BEST ONE: The Wergle Flomp Poetry Contest

It won't make sense to you unless you know about the SCUMBAGGERY perpetrated by poetry.com. You can catch up on that little scam over at Wocky Jivvy.

Once you are up on the latest way to bilk unsuspecting and hopeful fledgling poets, you should go pen some scrutiating bad verse and win $817.70 from the WERGLE FLOMP.

If you, like me, have a federal injunction that prohibits you from even attempting to perpetrate poetry, you can always go win the BULWER-LYTTON. This is a contest that rewards the worst possible opening sentence for a novel...Ah the joys of bad prose!

Without the BULWER-LYTTON, I would never have shot a goodly portion of my liver out of my left nostril because I was laughing so hard. Blame the following sentence:

"His priest-blessed sword was forged in the boiling feces of the Damned."

Another internal organ-rupturing favorite is this Grand Prize Winning entry by STEVE GARMON, a guy from my hometown. He went to my high school but was 4 years ahead of me, so I did not know him well enough to consider it a real brush with infamy. But!!! I once made out with his little brother in the dim hallway behind the school auditorium. SO! Does that count? Anyway -- here is the entry:

The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarous tribe now stacking wood at her nubile feet, when the strong, clear voice of the poetic and heroic Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my steel through your last meal."

Double HA!

Posted by joshilyn at July 9, 2004 9:28 AM

*mental note*
Don't read this blog at work. You may start hysterically laughing and all of your co-workers will look over the cubicle walls at you wondering why you find swords forged in boiling feces so funny.

Posted by: Joe at July 9, 2004 10:19 AM