July 1, 2004

Un Bee Lee Va Bull

ALL THREE THINGS that needed to come to fruition have magically, amazingly, astoundingly fruitted. In other words *DRUMROLL* We are under contract to sell our baby house on the 27th of August and on the 30th of August we shall go to live forever in THE DREAM HOUSE. Due no doubt to fervent prayer and Tiff's good juju.

So everything here is fabulous except the bacon.

See, I have to make Fat Casserole to take over to a pot luck supper at my friend Theresa's house tonight. Fat Casserole is VERY VERY VERY GREAT. As my son used to say "It's nice to eat it in your mouth." I would say "As opposed to....?" and he would look blankly at me because he was three and did not know what "As opposed to?" meant. BUT I DIGRESS.

Fat Casserole has half a pound of butter in it, a pound of cheese, 3 cups of crumbled lard patties (aka Ritz Crackers) a pound of bacon, and a buncha eggs to make it all stick together. After you get all that in there, if there is room left in your mixing bowl, you can sprinkle in a little squash and maybe some onion. And that is what we in the south call "a vegetable."

BUT. I accidentally bought LOWER SODIUM BACON.


Lower Sodium Bacon means "Has less sodium than a block of pure sodium, but still more sodium than all of Guam, and PS doesn't taste as good."
See also: turkey bacon

I mean "doesn't taste as good as real bacon"
Not "doesn't taste as good as Guam"
I quite frankly have never tasted Guam.
It's not that my mother did not try ("Oh come on, Baby, just give Guam a little lick!") it is more that I was picky.

Can you tell I am beyond giddy over this house thing? THE DREAM HOUSE has an OFFICE. The OFFICE has doors on it. Speaking as a person who is currently trying to write a novel to deadline in the middle of a completely open floor plan in a house with 1380 square feet of living space and TWO OF THE LOUDEST HUMAN CHILDREN ON THE PLANET who are apparently ON A MISSION FROM GOD to perfectly approximate the shrieks of the damned any time they both want the same toy which is EVERY MINUTE THEY HAVE BREATH IN THEIR TINY BODIES, allow me to say LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LALALALALALALA!LA!LA!LA!

Oh lovely August 30th, come soon! La!

Posted by joshilyn at July 1, 2004 2:50 PM

Finaly, low-sodium bacon get's the cyber-ink it so richly deserves. :) Try drizzling a little bit of Guam on it, and it's all good.

Congrats on the new home!

Posted by: Dark Lord Fancy Pants at July 1, 2004 3:57 PM

But when will Low Sodium Bacon get the "burning eternally in the sulpherous fires of hell for the sin of tasting like crap" that it ALSO richly deserves?

Posted by: Joshilyn at July 1, 2004 4:31 PM

Yay for YOU! Dear heart, you deserve every bit of your good fortune and what-not.

Posted by: jill at July 1, 2004 10:57 PM

YAY!!! Congrats to you and the whole family!! :)

Posted by: Klint at July 2, 2004 12:07 AM

Please refrain from describing 1400sq feet of home space as 'confining'. Some of us live in cardboard boxes compared to your current living space, not even considering what you about to move into. Do you want us all to feel real estate-ly challenged? Cruel, so cruel.

Posted by: Shawn B. at July 3, 2004 6:45 AM

Actually, Shawn, when my family was the size of your family, we lived in a 2 beroom, 1 bath apartment Chicago -- like maybe 800 square feet? And we were fine there. But when you have four people's living space and one person's working space in 1400 square feet -- it's pretty freaking CLOSE UP ON EACH OTHER.

When we had the apartment, it felt less crowded than this house feels now. Seriously. It's the working from home that is making the walls close in. I mean, I always worked from home after I had kids, but not with this kind of deadline. Or any deadline.

It's that "not allowed to have problems" thing again -- the thing I talk about in this entry:

Posted by: joshilyn at July 3, 2004 7:22 AM

Lived on Guam for 4 1/2 long years. It is really quite spicy. When one wants to impress the locals, ones wanders into the "boonies" on a "Boonie Stomp" in search of "Boonie Peppers". They are cute, red, disarming little things that grow on an even cuter, tiny green bush. (Fortunately for me, they were easily spotted from the 16th hole of the golf course. 'Nother Story.) The locals use these peppers to kill any bacteria that linger when they either: leave their food out all day for a fiesta on a table littered with flies, or just neglect to cook it because "Dose lee-mons juices cook it good like dis- you see???" The chemical composition of the peppers remains a mystery.

They are very effective in preventing you from scratching your nose or anything else when you have a handful. You will scratch an itch only once with residue on your hands. After a ten gallon eyewash and many tubes of ointment, you will learn never to touch anything with skin after picking Boonie peppers. They are just that hot! Ever had a Habanero? Pshaw! Tis nothing compared to a boonie!

Anywhoo! Said all that to say that not only is Guam tasty, but if you ever try eating Guam, you will discover that it has a flavor that you'll forever pine for when you have to move away.

Way to go on the house!

Posted by: xhanthia at July 8, 2004 7:54 AM

You are allowed to have whatever joy or sorrow that comes your way. Confining is a relative term, and to each their own. I just have house envy and was being facetious in regards to my own needs.

Posted by: Shawn B at July 14, 2004 11:32 AM