June 27, 2004

Babies Make You Fat

If you aren't a girl, go away. Today is female biology blog as I stress about the DREAMHOUSE and eat my body weight in chocolate.

SO, let us begin with BABIES MAKE YOU FAT. They just do. And PS WHY are girls so DUMB I mean WHO CARES what you weigh if you are healthy????
Answer: me. Violently and passionately. A two pound difference on the almighty scale is the difference between a REPUGNANT surfeit of self-love and an equally repugnant spasm of self-pity.

Sam made me fat, and I lost MOST (but not all) of that except then Maisy came and made me fatter. Then while beautiful Maisy was a little wee nurse-shark of a baby, I could not fix it. I can't diet while nursing. Period. The beautiful nursing hormones make me peaceful and happy in my fat.

SO after she weaned, I started the SBD and the hardcore I-want-to-be-Julie-and-Jan style workouts, and I was sensible and slow and it took me a year to get to where I wanted to be. The sad thing is I had Lily make the website before I was finished shedding, so I am a size 12 on the old picture I used for the splash, and now I violently HATE that page and am of course TOTALLY incompetent at web design and can't fix it and put in a picture where I am not so chubbly and SHE won't because she says I am A MORON for caring. And she is probably correct.

ANYWAY The other day I went and got a new swimsuit (SIZE 8 THANKS MUCH) and I was standing and glaring at myself in the mirror and Scott came up behind me and before I could say anything he said, "NO! YOU DO NOT LOOK FAT, GOOD LORD WOMAN, YOU CAN NOT POSSIBLY LOOK FAT BECAUSE HELLO! YOU ARE NOT FAT."

And he had busted me because of COURSE I was about to ask. So I said, "I know. I am very thin and amazing--and do you know the best part about being in a size 8 swimsuit?"
And he said, "No what?"
And I said, "I am FINALLY valuable as a HUMAN BEING!"

Then we both got the giggles and fell over and I hurt my knee. THE END.

Posted by joshilyn at June 27, 2004 8:54 PM