June 22, 2004

Why I Got No Sleep Last Night

1) I couldn't fall asleep until midnight because I was having anxiety about selling my baby house and buying my dream house. I felt like my whole body was full of bees. I could not relax until I had made Scott go through all the possible ways this could play out and delineate our plan of action 500 times.

2) Once I DID fall asleep, the cat came in. This is the cat who was too fat to groom his own butt, so the vet put him on a strict diet. He came to sit on my head and mention that no one had come by to pour a half gallon of creamed herring into his food dish, and BY THE WAY, could someone get up and turn on the bathroom faucet so he could loudly laplaplap a FRESH drink, his bowl of water seemed a little tired. We hurled pillows at him until he left.

3) An hour later I had a dream in which I ran into Lee Smith at the Kroger, in the produce section. She said to me, "Oh, hey, I read your book, It was....um...fine. I just wondered as I was reading, 'Why so many adjectives?' I mean, you used a million of them, adjectivesadjectivesadjectives, always with the describing. Whats wrong with verbs? Or try some proper nouns or even a good article." Then she walked away. Woke up in a cold lather of sweat.

4) Cat came back about three to notice an ENEMY CAT had come into our bedroom and secreted himself INSIDE OUR FLOOR LENGTH MIRROR. He rightfully defended us against the intruder, hurling his enormous bloated body at the Bad Cat again and again. It sounded like the mirror was getting slapped with the meaty side of a Walrus. We hurled pillows at him until he left.

5) About 3:30, uncomfortable and forming a serious crick in my neck, I got up to go retrieve all our pillows.

6) At five, the cat came back and began having a LONG LUXURIOUS BUTT GROOMING on the foot of our bed. He was so EARNEST and INTENT on his important project that the SOUNDS of it woke us both up.

Scott: Hand me the pillow.
Me: Honey! He can groom his butt! The Diet is WORKING!
Scott: Let's kill him while he is thin. Hand me a pillow.
Me: You can't throw pillows at him for grooming.
Scott: Do you HEAR that. Whatever he is doing to his butt, it shouldn't be legal.
Me: He is chewing his butt like gum. He must have really missed grooming his butt, and this is a tender heartfelt reunion. Now I think I will go back to having anxiety about selling our baby house and buying the dream house! Want to go through the whole scenario and formulate our plan of action again?
Scott: Okay, just let me go down to the kitchen and shoot myself. I mean, make coffee.

Posted by joshilyn at June 22, 2004 12:33 PM