June 19, 2004

Toddler PC

Beautiful Maisy is barely two, and she has a white tiger doll named Siegfried. He was named before the Eaten Magician Incident of 2003. I am sure a white tiger doll named Siegfried is already NOT pc. But there it is. We have one. He is Siegfried and any attempts to call him "Tiger" instead are met with a blank stare and a refusal to understand who that is.

That is not even the problem. The problem is, beautiful Maisy can not SAY Siegfried. She used to call him a word that sounded like Swfog. But today, in the Wal-Mart, she very loudly found a new way to incorrectly pronounce Siegfried. She says it so it sounds EXACTLY -- DEAD BANG EXACTLY --- like....faggot. Yes. You heard me. Faggot. Clear as a bell.

And this is the girl who has such a high, loud, carrying voice that she sets off the WHISTLE BEEPER my friend Jan uses to locate her keys every time she gets within a city block of the thing. In fact, Jan gave me a WHISTLE BEEPER because I am ALWAYS losing my keys, and it went off every time Maisy spoke, and Maisy NEVER stops speaking. EVEN when I shoved my keys UNDER THE SOFA CUSHIONS in the living room, Maisy could SET THEM OFF from upstairs. PS Did I mention the WHISTLE BEEPER has no off button???? I eventually took it into the backyard and beat it to death with a brick. 'Nother story. ANYWAY....

Sentences Maisy shrieked cheerfully at 500 decibels as she danced through the Wal-Mart:
---Where my Faggot?
---I love Faggot!
---Bye Bye, Faggot!
---I Broke it, Faggot
And then she held up her monkey in one hand and Siegfried in another and IRREPRESSIBLY chanted FAGGOT MONKEY FAGGOT MONKEY FAGGOT MONKEY for 2 aisles.

Right now she's running through the house yelling FAGGOT! FAGGOT! WHEE Ahhh YOU! as he has gone missing. He has gone missing because we have more errands to run, and Faggot is not coming with us, thanks. Monkey must go alone. We will not go barrelling through the Publix piping out cheerful little derogatives in a high-pitched peeping voice thgat carries for miles. NOT ON MY WATCH.

Posted by joshilyn at June 19, 2004 5:49 PM

At least it's not on purpose. LOL! Must think of a word that is very similar so you can repeat loudly next time she does it. Oh yes, Froggit or whatever word you come up with, is sweet, honey. Teehee

Posted by: Tiff at June 19, 2004 11:00 PM

Yeah -- I think Faggot is going to have to be a HOUSE FRIEND until we can get her weaned off his new moniker. I wanted to push for a permanent name change to TIGER so I worked on it all night. Went like this:

Me: Maisy! Can you say TIGER?
Maisy: Yes!
Me: Say TIGER Maisy!
Maisy: No fanks you.
Me: Please! Say TIGER....Maisy? Maisy Jane? Maisy? Look at Mommy! Maisy? Looka! Looka Mommy! Can you say TIGER???
Maisy: Yes.
Me: Maisy, please say Tiger.
Five minutes later she comes up to me with Faggot, lofts him to the sky as if he was baby Kunta Kinte and she was asking him to behold the only thing greater than himself, and says, "Mommy! Dis Dyker. Rar Rar!"

Hey. At least the kid has defamation symmetry.

Posted by: Joshilyn at June 20, 2004 6:04 AM

Shoulda named him Roy.

Posted by: jill at June 21, 2004 12:28 AM

Oh, Dear Lord, please don't change his name! I am probably too late. But, I nearly split my sides laughing so hard as I read this! There are tears rolling down my cheeks and my abs hurt! There are a lot of really great things about little people this age. One is the inevitable hilarity as they learn to master their mother tongue. Maisy just made my whole rainy Monday! Thank you, Maisy Jane! Don't ever change!

Posted by: xhanthia at June 21, 2004 3:24 PM