June 11, 2004

Mr. Dick Crook

20+ hours of copy editing in the last 4 days has sucked the life out of me, and yet here I am VALIENTLY blogging! Pet my hair! I demand it! I am only blogging because I am getting complaining emails from BUTTHEADS who NEVER COMMENT but who still feel entitled to EMAIL me and fuss if I skip a day. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, BUTTHEADS! And yet I feel incapable of being even REMOTELY amusing due to EXTREME copy editing brain deadness. If I was a copy editor, if that was my ACTUAL JOB I had to do forever and ever every day world without end amen, I would pull my eyes out and dandle them from their stalks after about 15 minutes. I want to go find my copy editor and KISS HER ON THE LIPS and say THANK YOU THANK YOU MY LORD THANK YOU. She found every comma splice there IS.

My house still has not sold. BAH! Over at my friend Kira’s blog, she is yapping today about a real estate agent who is actually out loud named MR. DICK CROOK.

OH, speaking of Mr. Crook, except without the Mr. or the Crook part, IF YOU FOLLOW, maybe I can blog about the marriage enrichment Bible class my husband and I are attending on Thursday nights.

Now you have to understand, my husband is a great big smarty. Double smart. Thinks deep thoughts. He is smarter than me, but I do not mind. Much. Especially since he does not have to back up his smartness by feeling a lot of deep feelings. I do not like men who FEEL things and write poetry about it and experience weldt angst. I like GREAT BIG TALL DARK HAIRED MEN who understand plumbing and like to eat meat and speak mostly in grunts and clicks and never NEVER navel gaze. But SMART is good.

My husband not only READS Stephen Jay Gould, he UNDERDSTANDS him. k? Not only does he understand him, he ENJOYS him, k? So the revelatory tone of most simply-pimply OMG SO PATRONIZING self help books makes him dizzy. HE IS DOING A GOOD JOB IN THIS CLASS. So far he has read the book and avoided going psycho critical reader and eviscerating it in the middle of class.

I said to him very sincerely before we began, "Please baby be NICE, this is for fun because our friends are taking it, so enjoy hanging out and enjoy the VERY GOOD discussions and the very sincere wisdom of the teachers who have been married for like 65 years and do not let the BOOK make you homocidal." And he is doing it. It's very amusing to watch him valiently try to look serious and interested as he reads that he should write down lists of positive AFFIRMATIONS he can read to me at the end of the day.

SAGE ADVICE: Did she cook a good dinner? TELL HER!

His idea is to pair up specific AFFIRMATIONS with specific sexual favors, like "HONEY! FABULOUS CHIPPED BEEF!" ought to earn an under the table grope.

LAST THING: I lost my mind from all the copy editing and wrote 5 page hand written letters to lee smith and michael chabon today -- if I could PICK ONLY 3 people to ask to blurb my book-- oh lord thats hard -- I am a voracious reader and I tell you of the 35 I listed, they all FREAKING ROCK, but if I could ONLY pick three... I would say Smith for sure then Chabon or John Irving or Christina Schwarz ALL OF WHOM make me DIE OF LOVE book by book every time. Or maybe Anne Patchett? ANNE LAMOTT. Alice Seabold. See, too hard. But ANYWAY, even under the pernicious influence of copy-editing I was too intimidated to even query Irving. So. I only managed to write to smith and chabon because I know people who know them so could say "HI remember your dear friend _____? Well (s)he gave me your address SO BY THE WAY HI PLEASE READ MY BOOK I LOVE YOU."


Posted by joshilyn at June 11, 2004 8:22 PM

Congrats on finishing the copy editing! I think that anyone who had to look over every "error" in a novel over the space of four days would be clinically insane when all was said and done. So judging by the fact that you are still alive blogging, and that you managed to write something humorous today, you must up to your normal level insanity.

It is sad when you skip a day, but I think that we, your adoring fans can handle it. You wouldn't leave us in a lurch without a good reason! Oh, and to those who wrote letters of complaint, indeed they must be buttheads!

Posted by: Joe at June 12, 2004 2:12 AM

ARG but I did not! Finish, I mean. I made it through the MS one time. I have to go through again. Because this is THE LAST chance to make changes before they typeset it. After that, every change costs 5 million dollars and doing it makes people cranky.

WEIRD: Typeset day is June 22 -- my mom's birthday!

*grin* I am actually rather fond of the buttheads. Two of them are my friends and one is my relation. I shall leave them mercifully nameless here...but...YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

Posted by: Joshilyn at June 12, 2004 5:25 AM

Hooray! Thanks for blogging in the midst of all the chaos.

Posted by: Butt Headress at June 12, 2004 3:20 PM

Copy Editors must be made of the same stuff as CPA's. My friend Natasha is a CPA and she crunches numbers all day long. All day, numbers.
Does 154678 + 765423 = 920101? YES! (next)
is 920101 an allowable expense? YES! (next)

Thank the higher powers that be that there are people out there to cross our t's, add our numbers, and pump our gas. Leaving me to do something utterly amazing, I just have to discover it.

Posted by: Shawn B. at June 15, 2004 10:18 AM