June 3, 2004

In Which I Visibly Deteriorate

OKAY. If you read this blog semi-regularly, you may be coming to the conclusion that I am a bit of a HIGH STRESS individual. Not really a take-it-easy, go-with-the-flow, serenity-now kinda girl. In fact, you would not be surprised to learn my high school classmates voted me "Most Likely to Stroke Out Before 40."

Right now, several things are conspiring to make me crave medication, and at first they may not seem connected, BUT OH YES THEY ARE TOO. Here are the things:

1) My house is on the market.

2) MY BELOVED ONE-EYED WRETCHED PILE OF CRAP (aka Schubert the cat) went to the vet because he has Butt Dandruff. The vet said, "The reason the cat has butt dandruff is that you have allowed him to become SO VERY EXTREMELY AMAZINGLY FAT that he can not groom his HINDPARTS." (My vet, a curmudgeonly old country Georgia type that crashes around in boots yanking out baby cows and spitting brown juices, actually did not say "hindparts." He said "ass." But my 13 year old nephew sometimes reads this blog, so I am going to pretend he said "hindparts.")

WELL, my vet gave me a very stern talking to about CATS and WILLPOWER (they do not have any) and said if the cat is fat, he is NOT a bad cat. Rather, I am a bad person.

SO I put the cat on a diet. Now my vet is pleased with me, but the CAT thinks I SUCK.

The cat has decided to show his displeasure by running ahead of me every time I go into the kitchen, and as soon as he ascertains that I am not on a mission of kibble-bowl-filling, he stands up and RAKES HIS CLAWS DOWN MY KITCHEN CABINETS. LEAVING LONG HIDEOUS GAPING WOUNDS. Which (Remember number 1? Because here is where it all comes together.) I would just ignore except, MY HOUSE IS ON THE MARKET. (See! TOLD YA!) No house hunter puts "Gaping wounds in the kitchen cabinets" on the PRO side of a pro and con list. *sigh*

SO in order to DISCOURAGE the cat (without beating him), I have taken to throwing water at him every time he stands to rake his front claws down the kitchen cabinets. In fact, I try to remember to CARRY a little cup of water with me INTO THE KITCHEN every time I am going in there to NOT feed him, so I am all PREPARED.

WELL the other day I was having my 35TH Nervous Breakdown over these blurb letters--my editor's assistant e-mailed and I needed write several MORE after I thought I was done.

SO I call my friend Jill and weep copious stress tears, and am toting a little cup of water around bcause I know in a moment I am going to go in the kitchen and eat 14 pounds of dark chocolate. So I am talking to Jill, WEEP WEEP, and trying not to stroke out, and trying to pick up toys because someone is coming later to see the house, and I am having a hard time managing the weeping and the water cup and the phone and the toy-picking-up because I only have 2 hands and 4 working braincells to devote to each task.

So I am talking to Jill, WEEP WEEP, and I think, "I need to get rid of one thing so I can pick up toys, can't be phone, talking on phone, better get rid of this water cup, why am I carryingf a water cup? Oh, right, it is to dump on the cat!" So I am talking to Jill, WEEP WEEP, and not thinking very clearly and I clock the cat sleeping peacefully on the sofa and WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT IT dump the water cup on him, because THAT IS WHAT THE WATER CUP WAS FOR.

Needless to say, the cat was not best pleased. Also needless to say I felt like the MEANEST GRINCH LIVING because there he is BLAMELESSLY sleeping and I...oh my. It does not bear further examination. Or rather, I can't bear any. SO.

Posted by joshilyn at June 3, 2004 10:37 AM

LOL! Have you ever not realized what you were doing and spit on the floor before? Not that I have...just wondering.

Posted by: AGK at June 3, 2004 1:40 PM

*deadpan* No, of course not. That would be crazy.


Posted by: Joshilyn at June 3, 2004 3:09 PM

ROTFLOL I have had cats. I know how they are. Believe me, Joshilyn, it is GOOD for cats to get water dumped on them out of the blue, because it keeps them from getting too carried away with the arrogance that is their natural state. :)

Posted by: Jensgalore at June 4, 2004 8:51 AM

Yeah...me neither...

Posted by: AGK at June 6, 2004 12:49 PM

Yeah...me neither...

Posted by: AGK at June 6, 2004 12:49 PM