June 1, 2004

The Secret Fight

Before any of this makes sense, you should know I am in a secret friend program....or I WAS. AND if you ARE my secret friend, you should not have a hurt feeling just because I am locked in mortal combat with you for most of this blog. Because really, yes, I understand this is an internal drama mostly between me and me. You may put on a nametag that says "Catalyst" and go get a soda from the icebox.


I had a secret snit fit and got secretly angry with my secret friend and am now secretly not speaking to her. AND I DO NOT EVEN KNOW WHO IT IS THAT I AM NOT SPEAKING TO because....say it with me...she is SECRET.

QUERY: On a scale of 1 - 10, how mentally ill is this?

She did NOTHING wrong, really, she just has SUCH bad timing. I was handwriting all these letters to AUTHORS I ADORE asking for blurbs-- and to say it was not going well is an understatement. To say I was a BARE moment away from TOTAL BRAIN IMPLOSION is STILL understatement.

I wrote every author an individual letter, based on WHY I liked their work etc etc -- BUT -- ONE THING I put in EVERY LETTER was a variation on "I know you have 10 million things on your plate and a deadline, but it would mean so much to me if you could just find a moment to read my novel and, if you enjoy it, say a few kind words." SO I am essentially asking my SUPERHEROES for a moment of their invaluable time, and WHILE I am flogging myself through letter 18 or so, I get an email from Secret Friend saying blithely "OH OOPS I GUESS I HAVE BEEN NEGLECTING YOU THIS WEEK BUT MY GOODNESS I AM SO BUSY I HAVE NOT HAD TIME FOR YOU."

At which point I fell on the floor and wept and bit at the carpet and writhed and wailed "OH OH OH MY OWN SECRET FRIEND IS TOO BUSY FOR ME WHAT MAKES ME THINK ANNE TYLER HAS TIME???"

It is a good thing she remained secret, because my husband is the one who had to peel me off the floor where I lay foaming and weeping and he had to ply me with wine and hot baths and juju fruits until I was no longer in immediate danger of spontaneous combustion, and he REALLY does not need to know who she is.


1) Does the explanation make my mental illness score HIGHER or LOWER? What is it now?

2) I SO wanted to blog the SECRET FIGHT, but WHAT IF SHE SECRETLY READS MY BLOG? Now that the cat has eviscerated the bag and scampered joyously away up the street, I ask you, Should I have blogged it??!? or not??!?

Posted by joshilyn at June 1, 2004 2:45 PM

I love to read your blog, it makes me laugh hysterically. Thank you so much for sharing your unique view of this world with us. Your thoughtful quips really make my day. I can't wait until I get to read your novel!

>1) Does the explanation make my mental illness >score HIGHER or LOWER? What is it now?

Higher I think.


I guess you will have to wait until you get your next letter.

Posted by: Joe at June 1, 2004 9:45 PM

Well now. As far as the mental illness score, does a higher score make you MORE crazy or LESS crazy?
Not that it matters. You're perfect. Pick your own score.
Secondly, NO you should not have blogged the secret fight! What WERE YOU THINKING? GOOD GRAVY, WOMAN!
Kidding! Yes, this is bloggable. (Blogworthy? Blogfodder? Blodder?) If she has time to secretly read your blog yet not time to secretly be a friend, she deserves far worse than the title "Catalyst" And more importantly, YOU MADE ME LAUGH.

Posted by: Kira at June 1, 2004 11:15 PM

Joe says the explanation makes my mental illness score HIGHER, so let us assume that HIGHER means "less crazy." Then we can all be happy.

Except the people whose houses did not sell.

Oh wait, that's me.

Posted by: Joshilyn at June 2, 2004 9:08 AM

You know, years ago, I lovingly involved you in some sort of "secret friend" plot, with only the best intentions and the finest motives. As I recall, you practically took out a sword and severed my small, hopeful, brave head, and choking with rage you expounded on how you absolutely hate secret friends, cannot imagine ever enjoying one even a tiny bit, are filled with the highest scorn and contempt for the very idea, and would rather be boiled than have one of these *hold nose* secret friends. I believe my ears are still ringing from it. And here you are, cantering around with your secret friends, here's one and there's another, they're gathering in piles under your furniture, and you couldn't be more pleased. ODD.

Posted by: spanky at June 2, 2004 8:07 PM

1)When I said all those things to you about the vile creeptitude of secret friends, I did not know YOU were being mine because you PRETENDED TO BE A MAN.

2) SECRET FRIENDS who present themselves as MALE and who appear when you have NOT SIGNED UP for a secret friends program are not so much "secret friends" as they are "stalkers."

3) Our personal SECRET FRIEND DEBACLE came on the heels of the CYANIDE COOKIES lunatic stalker boy incident, when I was NOTABLY JUMPY about weird internet men.

4) But whatever helps you sleep at night. Beloved poodle.

Posted by: Joshilyn at June 2, 2004 8:44 PM

I cannot read your blog without my children running over to see what I am laughing so loudly about. And I NEVER drink anything while I am reading your blog. :)

Posted by: Jensgalore at June 3, 2004 9:56 AM

Great blog, enjoyed browsing through the site

Posted by: movie playmate at November 1, 2004 8:08 PM