April 21, 2004


Beautiful Maisy is barely two, and she is very beautiful, and she is puking. All over EVERYTHING. Every 30 minutes. All night long, ALL NIGHT, I tried to hold a bowl for her, and she screamed NO!NO!NO! And pushed it away with her feet. I am considering going out and lying in the street until a truck comes and runs mercifully over my head.

Scott is out of town for another week. My house is on the market and must be kept immaculate if I actually expect someone to buy it. It currently smells like a puke-abbatoir, like the legendary puke graveyard where all ancient pukes instinctively go to die.

She has puked THROUGH layers and layers of old towels to get puke into 4 sets of sheets and two matresses and I am on the last set of king size sheets. This last time I FINALLY convinced her the bowl was her friend, the bowl was there to help...I think with enough spin put on it, I can MAYBE work the whole "this time she puked in a bowl" thing up to be a reason not to kill myself.

I feel sorry for her and BUT -- I also have this DREADFUL RAGE AT FATE because after WELL OVER 3 WEEKS of NOTHING WORKING and STUCK BOGGED HORROR in the new novel, I finally have chaps 6 and 7 shining in my head like water bubbles, fragile and gleaming with ephemeral perfection and I had childcare set up for the next several days to write them and I got 17 pages done yesterday, 17 EXCUSE ME VERY GOOD PAGES, a MONSTROUSLY good day and a wonderful omen of the kind of week it would be--BUT! OH LORDY BUT! It will fade if I don't GET IT OUT NOW and I can not WRITE. All can do is pat a sad baby and hope to catch her vomit in a bowl because all my sheets are in the drier still, and I am all alone, with no Scott, and Scott is my good right hand and my heart and my SPINE.

Welcome to the long dark puke-filled tea time of the soul.

PS. yes I realize I am a DREADFUL HATEFUL EGOMANIAC who has a GORGEOUS WONDERFUL BRIGHT LOVELY PERFECT ADORABLE ADORED BABY, and this baby has SAD SAD blue eyes and is MISERABLE, puking every half hour and then saying "I'M OKAY! I'M OKAY!" right after each puke in this PITIFUL BRAVE REASSURING LITTLE voice, and WHO DO I FEEL SORRY FOR?

Me. Because I can't WRITE.

Freaking stupid worthless artists! EGOMANIACAL, we all are. We ought to be drowned, every one of us, we should be taken out and drowned like too many kittens.

Posted by joshilyn at April 21, 2004 4:14 PM