Joshilyn Jackson

So I was wrapping presents last night, and Netflix suggested that I watch a “Holiday Classic” movie while I was at it. SOUNDS FUN, right?They presented me with a string of choices, including Love, Actually. Which I recalled seeing in theatres when I was fetus…and I remembered thinking it was cute and sweet. SO. I hit play.

Ya’ll.

It is so CREEPY. Did you remember it was THIS CREEPY?

It is mostly much older men humping young women WHO WORK FOR THEM. Hugh Grant is so attracted to the catering fetus that he TAKES HER JOB AWAY, which is not so o much romantic as the basis of a great lawsuit. Let’s not even discuss President Slingblade feeling her up against her will, AND SHE APOLOGIZES TO HUGH GRANT FOR THIS LATER.

Meanwhile, Mr.Darcy marries his house-keeper fetus and Hot Snape cheats on the incomparable Emma with a secretarial fetus.

ALL the women are either sex objects or shafted. Laura Linney’s crush acts like if she has a difficult brother she is not worth pursuing. REALLY? This is a film where a goofball guy stumbles into sex with 3 or maybe 4 American supermodels, and GORGEOUS LAURA LINNEY CANNOT FIND A GUY WHO WILL NOT WAIT A COUPLE HOURS TO MAKE SEX WITH HER? Only in THIS lunatic movie can a dork have a GROSS and grossly improbably 4 way with three world class hotties INCLUDING BETTY DRAPER while an extremely attractive woman cannot get a one night stand!

Dear Love Actually,
Have you ever met an actual man? In real life, Laura Linney could say WAIT HERE! BE BACK SOON FOR A LOT OF SEX! and gone to see her brother and come back 4 hours later and IF SHE HAD PROMISED SEX, the guy would still be there, waiting, streaming Mad Max or reading a book or sleeping, and the second she appeared and said SEX NOW? he would have shut Mad Max off or closed his book or woken up and happily had all the sex she wanted.
Love, Joshilyn

I love Chiwetel Ejiofor, but he is almost a decade older that Keira Knightly, who looks about 15. Oh well, at least she isn’t his nurse or his dog walker.

I love Liam, but he is a terrible, terrible step father with NO boundaries who convinces his Orphaned step son to commit felonies that will land the child in Gitmo.

Only Dr. Bilbo Watson and Joanna Page are age appropriate, and WHAT IS THEIR JOB? Do jobs where you naked fake-hump-for-light-levels for WEEKS AND WEEKS even EXIST? Is this a legit career path? NO, it is not a career path, Love Actually, you just want to show Joanna Page’s creamy-skinned, perky li’l boobies. A lot.

Irony: This gets called a chick flick? Endless gratuitous boobies, old men humping their foxy employees and geeky men humping whole crowds of ladies and beautiful women unable to get sex if they inconvenience their dates by being decent human beings with lives and interests and families…

Merry Christmas UGH I hate this movie. Do you like it? WHY DO YOU LIKE IT? Defend it and yourself, if you can.

Also, I am not done wrapping because I had to much Rage, Actually. What should I Netflix tonight as I finish?

Today, driving toward Alabama in the darkness of early morning, we saw a yard where a giant hot air balloon was lifting some little penguins into the sky.

The BALLOON part was…Santa. It was SANTA. The penguins had murdered him and made him into a grisly tableaux ala True Detective Season 1 or the movie Seven.They hollowed out his body and over-inflated it to make the arms and legs jut out all helpless and undersized. His dead, dead eyes pointed in random directions. Look at the blank cheery faces of those penguins! They are sociopaths with shiny, black, impenetrable beads as the only windows to their soulless cores.

You can buy it on ebay. If there is something really, really wrong with you, I mean.

Now that I have made sleep impossible for you for days to come, I invite you do one of two things. Or both, as it pleases you.

1) You can come to my Facebook page and talk to me about Paula Vauss. I am desperate to talk about Paula Vauss. Top post. Pinned. EASY TO FIND. watch full movie The Fault in Our Stars 2014 online

Just PAULA, no spoilers please, as the post is part of a Facebook(club) Readalong Event, and a lot of the folks posting have not read SELS before.

2) Tell me, what’s the worst yard art you have seen perpetrated this season? BONUS POINTS if it is in your neighborhood. Triple bonus if you were so horrified you snapped a picture and can share it.

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So, the site got a makeover. I kinda love it. What do you think?

If you own a signed book of mine, you will recognize my actual signature. My site designer made it into font, which I think is artsy fartsy and cool and also very helpful if you are an identity thief. YOU ARE WELCOME, ALLA YA’LL IDENTITY THIEFS.

If you don’t own a signed book of mine…well. We can fix that. THE VIRTUAL BOOK TOUR IS COMING BACK. Stay tuned.

PS Scariest Santa ever, yes? Needs a makeover?